Grading Session for Week 25

[K3]

The grading groups and their graders are currently as follows:

[Ca] Castus - Raph

Cheese
Freckles
Lambo
Nella
Tetsu​

[Oc] Occultus - Finny

Bob
Moon
Shade
Sparx
Zerieth​

[Be] Bellator - Will

Berri
Bish
Dys
Kaze
Rob​

[Se] Serpens - Hiren

Bunz
Doc
Loko
Minj
Puppet
Regulus​

[Aq] Aquila - Sev

Dil
Resh
Thana
Val
Vin
Hare​

The Rotation for the month of February 2015 is:

[Ca] -> [Be] -> [Se] -> [Oc] -> [Aq] -> [Ca]​

Please post your thread titles beginning with your grading group, then the week number, like follows:

[Ca] Week 01: Let It Begin, Let It Begin​

Grades are due by 11:59 PM EST on Tuesday, 02/03/15.

 

[K3]

Freckles:

Nada​

Lambo:

Zip​

Cheese:

I'M ALL OUTTA LOVE​

Nella:

I'M SO LOST WITHOUT YOU​

Tetsu:

I KNOW YOU WERE RIGHT​

Guest Grader: Will:

John Madden.​

Raph's Links

Right Place, Wrong Time​

 

[Redfin]

Pls, Sparx, pls.

Moon + 75 bouns
Prelim: 119
I am liking this organization you've created, especially with all the titles and stuff going around. Princeps, quaestor, stuff like that. I don't know what they mean exactly, but they still evoke certain feelings just from what words they look like.

And I really enjoyed the list made my Laermont. It reminded me about a recent Sherlock Holmes game I made, where he made thoughts in his mind with two different possible outcomes and then connected them together to form conclusions.

Nothing like a good old investigation to get my interests up.

---

Thread
What Lies Within: 112
The content seems alright, but strange. Why invite a random guy to a bunch of kids? If that sounded familiar, it's because I copied that from my app review. The changes you made between the first edition of the chapter and where it's at now does make it read better, though. The chapter has sort of a surreal feel to it with the interspersing of old memories/dreams along with the odd invite.

Two Laicar: 180
I would suggest putting who the participants are at the start of the collab.

”Not really... I've hunted a few of these before,” Athreos claimed while still focusing on gearing up, ”Although never in such low light conditions as these so it might be a bit complicated,” the pugilist explained his feelings about the in-coming fight with the beasts, as he could already hear them nearby.

You would want to split this up into two sentence, as such:
”Not really... I've hunted a few of these before,” Athreos claimed while still focusing on gearing up. ”Although never in such low light conditions as these so it might be a bit complicated,” the pugilist explained his feelings about the in-coming fight with the beasts, as he could already hear them nearby.

This, too, should be two sentences.

The darkness was really getting to him, tch, guess I have to use some magic here, I was really hoping to not show everything I am capable of to Kincaid, the pugilist mused within as the verse began to flow from his lips quietly.

The darkness was really getting to him. Tch, guess I have to use some magic here, I was really hoping to not show everything I am capable of to Kincaid, the pugilist mused within as the verse began to flow from his lips quietly.

”Now, thats a lot better!” He exclaimed happily as he began his counterattack.

Recall that this is one sentence, thus the 'he exclaimed' part should not be capitalized. Also, you forgot an apostrophe for that's.

”Now, that's a lot better!” he exclaimed happily as he began his counterattack.

”Trained.” Athreos muttered laying down on the ground.

Same deal with this.

”Yeah. I have always wanted a basilisk of my own anyway,” Athreos grinned.

Grinning would not be a synonym of said, so Athreos grinned would be its own sentence.

”Yeah. I have always wanted a basilisk of my own anyway.” Athreos grinned.

When did you guys start this collab, anyways? Just wondering.

Anyway, basilisk hunting, eh? That went about as well as expected, and the pack off them is still roaming around attacking stuff. I was surprised when this turned out to be a taming collab. I hope to see you go more into the actual taming part of the basilisk. You should read the codex for information on how they are normally tamed.

 

[Nargles]

Pup:
Right Place Wrong Time [325/360]

Way to break it hero. Pinning Izumi down and letting Annora get away LOL.

Outside of that there’s a few things we need to go over from this collab. Firstly, there were some errors in your turns from missing words or capitalizations. There was also a broken tag once in a while that you need to pay more attention to when posting in collabs. It’s jarring to suddenly see [FONT=] midway through a turn.

The main issue was a lack of clarity or contextual awareness in your turns. First off, I have absolutely no clue why Aisha was intimidated by Izumi. She spent most of the collab wearing floral clothes, holding umbrellas, and drinking girly drinks. While Songen is known for bounty hunting, the reputation isn’t one that dangerous. There was little to no in game rationale as to why Aisha would act so... reserved and scared.

Secondly, your turns need to be a bit more specific in what you’re responding to. In the part, for example, when Aisha comments on Izumi’s drink buying, you wrote about the ‘jingling of exa’. While Izumi did in fact pay for the drink, she didn’t even tip so it felt weird when you were mentioning the sound of money. I interpreted it as being Aisha’s money and she was trying to flat out bribe. This was one example, but when responding to other people’s turns, while you shouldn’t flat out restate what they did, you should provide enough context as to what you’re responding to. It makes it easier for a fellow writer to figure out what’s going on and to craft a response.

Finally, be proactive! Most of this collab was Aisha just tagging along with Izumi and following whatever she did. Izumi has her way of getting information, but there were other avenues open and other people to talk to. Just because one writer chooses a path to write, doesn’t mean your character has to follow. You can take initiative to craft the story like you want. It gives your character a more defined role, because outside of the droid fire Aisha could have been removed from the collab and the same events could have occurred.

As PMs go ahead, remember that while it’s an overarching plot for the RP, you always have the chance to make your character shine. Take it!

To Grader: http://www.postterminus.com/showthread.php?598-Plot-Open-Week-Right-Place-Wrong-Time

 

[Several Zombies]

Hare: 180 + 75 Div

Two Laicars in the Night

Overall this was a good collab. Your turns were up to snuff as usual. The pacing felt a little wonky at first but seemed to even out as you guys hit your stride. The ending seemed a little hurried, though. Not much else to say here. Kincaid continues to entertain me. Kudos.


Rob: 100

Resident No Longer

Decent read. I liked your use of the rollovers for translation. It was a neat touch. Onto the meat of the matter, I've noticed something with the way you write dialogue that kind of grates on me, and is particularly prevalent in this chapter. It's a lot of "A said, B said.", with these jarring back-and-forths strung together with a single verb (like "...he said, she retorted" etc). I find dialogue flows better and feels more organic if you use these interludes to set the scene or offer little moments or characterization. Rather than saying "she said", talk about what actions she's taking, or what she's feeling, or seeing. Literally anything is better than just saying "she spoke". Maybe it's a stylistic gripe, maybe not. One way or the other, I've definitely seen better from you.


Raph: 440

Right Place, Wrong Time

I feel like this didn't go as planned for our aspiring bounty hunters. The intro turns were good, and I was pretty fond of the cloak and dagger style of writing here, though it did drag on a bit. Things picked up once Annora herself arrived but I do find it strange that you basically ignored Izumi's disguise. Its fair to say "Larus wouldn't leave his bar" or whatever, but it felt a little metagame-y while reading. The quick battle that followed was pretty much up to your usual standard. Pup really managed to cock things up, in the best way possible for Annora. Overall it was a decent read, though the pacing could use a bit of work. The start dragged on, while the end felt rushed. The slow-burn intro into fast-paced fighting was a bit jarring, and while combat usually picks things up a fair bit, I feel the second half could have been spaced out a little bit more.