Grading Session for Week 267

[Nargles]

Group 3 -> Group 1 -> Group 2 -> Group 4 -> Group 5 -> Group 3


Group 1 (Will): 1st/5th/7th Divisions
Group 2 (Lil): 10th/8th Divisions
Group 3 (Rob): 3rd/12th Divisions
Group 4 (Wayne): 4th/11th Divisions
Group 5 (Hiren): AHs/Vizards/Quincies​

Grades are due March 12, 2013 @ 11:59 PM EST​

​

 

[Rob]

Ketch - ???

You a captain yet? Also, I’ve got to ask this but when Alexia asked “Penny for your thoughts,” I had hoped... seriously hoped that you would touch upon that. Even if it were in thought and not to her. Really, that’s where you could’ve made this collab go from a good collab, to a pretty damn interesting one.

But you didn’t, so I’ll ask you right here, right now: Nana asked Alexia to draw on her, penny for Manzou’s thoughts? =]

Anyway, nothing serious here and your writing was good, take full points and 50 division bonus as well as 75 kan for being a good sport.

Mits – 68

I’m going to just refer you to what Raph wrote and then say it was me who wrote that! No, but in all honesty, Raph pretty much summed up what I thought of your part of the collaboration as well. So, I’m not going to add any more to this than that.

I’ll let Wayne handle kan distribution because holy shit am I out of the kan business loop.

Take 50 division bonus, and 100 vc bonus for helping me grade.


Mits is grading Cad and Sene.

 

[K3]

Group Five Grading
PM me anything I missed.​

Hiren: + 25 Division Bonus

[93/97]Jehovah-jireh
Started strong, but you lost some momentum towards the end.

You started in this great - you set a tone, kept it up, and managed to give us some real insight as to how it was affecting Ciro. However, it was about halfway through this that I noticed you had completely cut out Ciro's reactions until the final parts. Since this is something that is affecting him so deeply, keeping that introspection (thoughts, reactions, emotions) running strong is vital.

Onto something more positive, props to you for your scene-setting. Your descriptives are definitely clear, and reasonably interesting. If I had any suggestions to make, it would be to try and lead with visceral details, and as before, remember to break up these descriptive segments with introspection or action. The fact that you kept the same pace and tone the entire time removed a lot of the tension in this, especially towards the end. In general, I'm giving the same piece of advice I give to everyone who makes these high-intensity, high-stakes pieces of writing: sell it. Sell it harder than cheap liquor. Good writing will let a reader know what the character feels like. Great writing will make a reader feel what the character is.

[???/239]Shibboleth
I feel like we missed something...

There was a lot that went right here - the pacing, the content, the flow, the characterization...

I think we need to work on our dynamic a bit more, Arun. I don't mean in the sense of how Ciro and Arano interact. I mean you and I, and how our writing styles affect each other's. There's a lot of conflict in the writing style particularly as the fight starts, and I have to wonder how we fix that sort of thing. My blunt, more direct writing style for battles was definitely put off by your flowing, more verbose way of doing descriptives. In the future, I think we'll need to work on setting up that style according to the content of the collab. For instance, since Ciro's demeanour was very erratic and unpredictable, you may have wanted to cut back a bit on the lengthy descriptives.

Still, it was pretty fun, wasn't it? You'll get what I get for a grade, I'm afraid.

Moony: + 25 Division Bonus

[123/125]Banishing the Darkness
Ohoho, Moony's flexing his combat writing.

Alright, so a few tips out the starting gate: Try not to start a piece of writing with a full paragraph. Generally start it with something that's one to three sentences long, and sets a good pace for the rest. Covering Zakki's robotic movements as he drove with a bit more detail for instance. Second, your descriptives are getting a lot better in combat. The motion and weight of Zakki's actions are a lot easier to feel and understand. That being said, you need to work on separating those heavy actions from the menial stuff.

Positioning your character, describing their movements and posture before the attack - that's the stuff you put into a longer paragraph, it sets you up for the punchline so to speak. Then start another paragraph, and use that to describe the attack itself. Placing the new narrative in its own section draws the eye, stops it from being glazed over or dismissed. That being said, good to see you trying new things and making an effort to throw Zakki's weight around a little. Keep it up.

[68/70]A Day by the Seaside
I...why is Alexia in the lifeguard chair? Never mind, moving on.

This...this was a weird one. First, I'mma give you a little something to chew on. Then I'll cover a bit of Mits and Vinny to see if I can't give them a little feedback as well.

So, Moony: Good work altogether man. Seeing Yusuke's powers at work is a cool thing to see, and again I get to see you cover more of your combat writing. You're really trying to bridge this gap, and it shows. Your descriptives are heavy, but you again struggle a bit with the separation of the set-up to actions. Remember: Large paragraphs for menial work, and separate for the actions themselves.

Mits, Vinny, I'mma make this brief since your own grader can handle you two. Mits, work on your action descriptives. I was left pretty disappointed with some of the sequences you did - the choice of action was great but the way you ended up writing some of them was bland, and a little tasteless. Vinny, first that's not how shunpo works. It's not a teleport. It's you running from one spot to another really fucking fast. This makes it near-instantaneous movement, but it's not a teleport. Also, work on your narrative a bit - I noticed you being a bit lacklustre with your responses. Try and give us a window into Alexia's mind - make us empathetic.

Tom: + 100 Division Bonus

[83/83]The Deaf Ears of Insanity
Good, good chapter.

Bringing Ewan back into centre-stage is a good move, and in general I enjoyed the interaction here. The fact that you make the dialogue and interaction between Hideki, Taichi and Ewan so interesting is a testament to how interesting each character is. Even without being privy to a larger knowledge of each character, their demeanour's definitely came across, which is a big positive. Altogether, I don't have any real criticism for this - take full points and keep up the good work.

Doc:

[83/85]Friend/Foe, Man/Monster
A little meh, I have to say.

There was a lot that could've been done here, and I feel like you two only covered a small portion of it. On Gorou's part in particular, there's this very thin outline we get of the hollow's effect on his psyche. A brief nod of doubt before it's gone entirely. For a Vizard with an untamed hollow, he's playing this very nonchalantly.

Moreover, try and work on the way you bring across Gorou's emotions. There's a lot of emotion running in this, but it's a lot of tell without any show. You can tell us that having a smoke brings relief to his face, or you can tell us how as he takes a drag, the creases in his forehead ease and the sharpness of his eyes dims, bringing a certain hope to blahblahblah you get what I'm saying. A lot of people are experimenting with their character's emotions, and that's a good thing - but you really gotta think about how that shows in a person. Posture, speech, actions, all of this can help show a reader what the character is feeling.

[90/97]Atatatatata!
Training collab is training.

I was a little annoyed by this, actually. People throw Vizardification out like it doesn't mean anything. Satoru hardly even reacts to it, and proceeds to ask the potentially volatile Vizard for training. The training that Satoru proceeds to learn without any actual tension or problems. He DBZs the ability, learns it without a hitch, and almost makes mockery of the idea that it's a Trained Feat.

Doc, as someone who is capable of teaching a technique to someone else, you need to be presenting a larger challenge than this. The very purpose of these collabs isn't to just give an excuse to write, it's to see if the aspiring practitioner has what it takes. Bish, you need to present a much, much larger challenge out of this. Learning a Trained Feat isn't easy, and it isn't meant to be easy. The fact that you crammed the actual learning Fruit of Labor into more or less five rounds and only really repeated the same action twice doesn't sit well. Training Collabs are all about challenge, perseverance, creativity and success only after putting the whole of your effort into it. I'm sorry to say this was really lacklustre.

Guest Grader: Rob:

[131/131]Noble Conflictions
Wow...just wow.

I mean that in a good way, of course. This was a heavy collab, and bravo to you for it. The amount of depth you pulled out of Nana in this was amazing. The way she interacted with Haresuno, took note of and reacted to the environment and circumstances, and built onto the collab with those reactions was great. It read beautifully, it was compelling, and this is the strongest characterization I've seen from you yet.

Great work Rob, I loved this. Keep it up

[40/44]Through the Eyes of an Out of Control Storm
Didn't really feel all that...trial...y...

Yeah the fact that Tits writes so little in combination with the unsatisfying payoff at the end kind of threw the pacing under the bus. Content was great, the judges were great, and even Tits pulled together some good characterization but...it just ended on a sour note.

Guest Grader x2 Combo!! Will:

[117/117]Little Fish Pt. 2
Bold text. You can remove it. We have the technology.

No you don't get away with it because you didn't post it, Mr Admin.

Moving onto the actual content, this was a fairly fun read. Theo's brooding impatience played well off Sayis' attempts to instruct or guide him. It struck me as a petulant child refusing to be shown the right answer because they want to work it out for themselves. Sayis himself had that reliable, introspective air about him that we've all come to know, but being able to see his frustration and doubt in Theo made this for me. All in all, good work - but next time try to make sure that what gets posted isn't lost in editor garble.

[150/150]Bright
So let's get right to it.

I feel like I had a bit of a revelation with this collab. A lot of the time, I don't see much of Sayis' personal opinions or commentary on the people or events around him. He tends to be reactionary in nature, but this shut me right up. The fact that Sayis' emotions towards Ilsa are shown in his actions rather than mere thought is frankly amazing. The fact that I don't have to see him think about how proud he is to know he is proud of her alone speaks volumes of how you can project his emotions into action rather than narrative.

That being said - try and move outside of Sayis' comfort zone a bit more. This was another great reminder that Sayis cares greatly for his subordinates, but we've still yet to see his perspective on particularly awkward or uncomfortable subjects. I guess what I'm saying is: when you give that brief window into Sayis' mind about him remembering Kaede dead, don't let that sink into the background. Doubt and hesitancy are no longer core to Sayis' character, but he is still subject to them.

Raph's Links for Week 267:
Shibboleth

 

[Wayne]

Grades will be up soon.

In the mean time: http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showt...h-Week-267-Do-You-Really-Want-to-Live-Forever

 

[swaswj]

Running a little behind on grading, but it'll be finished up after work.

Division Bonus will be handed out after I finish grading.

Lin - 150/150

This collab went really well, I believe. It's refreshing to have a break from the uber-seriousness of PMs. Ilsa is adorable in this, with the awkward struggle between her physical form and her actual age. The moment where she is crying from frustration really hit me. You have a real strength for portraying the upbeat persona of Ilsa, despite her worries and frustrations, able to show her exuberance over learning something new and yet struggling and working to get it right. Even though the collab itself went quickly, the writing makes it clear that it was not an instant success, that Ilsa spent a long time making sure she got it right, and there was still a lot left for her to practice.

Congratulations on learning Shouaku Jukutatsu!

+50 Div Bonus

Bright (6000) 150/150
​

Fin - 185/188

I don't know if you've ever done actual welding or soldering, but reading this, I'd almost believe you have. The only thing that leaves me unsure is that you never mention the acrid, stinging smell of burning metal. Still, the description of the precision, the tension, and the discomfort from welding is all right on the money and really kind of brings this chapter together for me. The project itself is quite interesting and perfectly in theme with her character. There were only two awkward spots -- the 'wheelchair bound shinigami' sentence and a missing word from IMINT: Typically, the I use is

In the Little Fish collab, Picca took to the test pretty well. I enjoyed the light teasing as well as the puzzles/tests she came up with, and was amused by how she put forth something simple only to have both Sayis and Theo overthink them. There's not actually much more I can say here. What errors there were aren't that serious, just a matter of proofreading before posting.

+50 Div Bonus

Bay Ray (1428) 70/71
Little Fish pt 2 (7031) 115/117
​

Theo - 105/117

Not sure where you vanished to. Hopefully you'll come back, read this, and we can finally get that signature put in place.

I enjoy reading Theo as a character. He's a broody yet arrogant little twerp, and that makes him really refreshing to read -- it's different, it's not as cliché. In the writing itself, one thing I'm seeing a lot of is run-on sentences with too many commas. It doesn't kill the collab, but it definitely sticks out. One other thing to work on is to avoid repeating previous turns. Keep the collab moving forward -- if you want to go back and respond to something, just slip it into the earlier turn where you would have responded.

Now get back here!

Little Fish pt 2 (7031) 105/117
​

Hare - 128/131

This collab with Nana was actually pretty enjoyable. I may have mentioned previously that it often felt like I was reading the same collab when the two of them get together, but this time, it was actually unique, it felt like there was progression in their relationships with one another. Haresuno was hilariously out of his element, both in trying to graciously accept his gift and in trying to comfort a woman he actually know little about. All together, it comes off very genuine despite -- or even because -- they're both keeping up some of their walls.

Watch for typos, though!

+50 Div Bonus

Noble Conflictions (5250) 128/131
​

Lil - 325/333

What is this? An attempt at payback? You fool! You're 2k short!

Clever Tactics first: I admit to a little confusion mid-collab, after the Animagus. I had read up to that point assuming it was evening/night-time, so I was going to comment on how there aren't really thermals at night, but when I checked back over it... I really can't tell if the time of day was ever established. There was some naughtiness like using Control Doll as a Kagebunshin, too -- you don't switch places with Control Doll, that's what Energy Clone does! Control Doll is meant for setting traps, not to be a get-out-of-punch-free card. The collab as a whole felt disjointed. One minute it's a spar, then they're discussing his feat and then there's an enormous promotion and talk about researching Fukushin. It's not that any of it was bad, just that the transitions between each segment of the collab seemed jarring.

Price of Revelations, on the other hand, was downright excellent. A lot of that was Katie's doing, but you deserve credit for playing Isogu quite well, and taking what little I told you -- if you have explained what you were doing, I probably would've given you more details! -- to create a surprisingly faithful recreation of him. Just the "let them rot in Hell" part was off, because Isogu would probably write them off rather than swear vengeance. The fact that you acknowledged potential friction from the collab and expressed Lilith's displeasure also tied everything together for me. This wasn't an easy out, it was a means to an end that came with consequences. Great job on both of your parts.

And then there's this. Oh, where to begin... The hardest thing here is to grade this based on the narrative quality, and not let my feelings toward fidelity itself color the grade. In that sense, this was very well-done. The emotions on Evie's side were... downright depressing actually, because they're so earnest and innocent, while really there is no happy ending for her. On one hand, this woman she idolizes may just be using her to relieve some pent up tension, on another, she may have to deal with the trainwreck of a crumbling Adelaide if Brooke finds out in a bad way, and also have to deal with the fact that in a sense, Addie was cheating on her, too. I don't know if I'm just too serious to enjoy a bit of fluff or maybe just too old to see anything except the future consequences. None of it is a knock against the writing, though, and I have to say that Adelaide, at least, played straight to just how wrong it was.

So... putting aside the fidelity aspect... Evie was pretty adorable, actually. Perhaps a little too into Adelaide, and thus making it too easy to get taken advantage of, but it's charming in its own way. You played her hesitation when suggesting more risque things rather well, as well as her excitement and elation. I wonder what the spirits will say to Lilith, though?

Clever Tactics (4056) 95/101
Price of Revelations (6630) 165/166
Where all Fidelities are Undermined (2626) 65/66
​

---

My writing:

Little Fish pt 2 (7031)
Bright (6000)
​

 

[Kago]

Note: All 8^th/10^th! Check PM box for SDB info! Also, Lil has the rest of you!


Pho

Anger Management

Grade: 71/74 (no SDB added)
Comments:

I got your note about not reading last week’s grading comments before writing this chapter, so I’m just going to remind you to reread those comments because they especially apply to this chapter.

Only one other thing I would add would be for you to make sure you recall what you’ve previously written and know the definition/meaning of the words you write.

Example:

On bathroom duty the next day, the strongman was trying his darndest to scrub mould off above the shower without destroying the brush, but his self-control didn't quite cut it. As he precariously balanced on a ledge to reach as high as possible, the brush gave way with a resounding crack. Keisuke almost flipped, but steeled himself and held it in. Getting down from this perfectly balanced position, and getting back up again, was just too much effort, so he requested someone pass him a new brush. The convict didn't want to see the look on the face of whoever he had summoned, so he kept his eyes forward and returned to work.​

While I understand that you meant he had found a balanced position after almost falling, the rest of your sentences allude to him not being perfectly balanced. If anything, make it feel more like a temporary balance; ‘perfectly balanced’ makes it feel more permanent.


It’s Only a Bankai Moon

Grade: 89/91 (no SDB added)
Comments:

I’m assuming this is a collab that you two have been working on for a while now. As such, I will attempt to tailor my comments like this is the case.

Not terrible all around, but not exactly solid. I wasn’t sure where exactly this collab took place in Udo’s timeline. He seemed to be researching the time/space hollows, but it wasn’t clear that this was before or after he went through time. Also, Udo didn’t really come across science-y in the beginning of the collab and then he’s overtly science-y in the second half – once you reach SRDI.

One other piece that bugged me was Charon’s Road. This could be my misunderstanding, but I thought only current members of ninth and captains could use it. It’s not a stretch for an old member to use it, but the authority to call for it wasn’t there. Maybe a GM could enlighten us?

Take +25 div bonus for writing the most for the 8th this week.



Zerieth

Learning How to Flow

Grade: 63/64 (no SDB added)
Comments:

Not as bad as I was expecting from your comments. The writing was a bit 'matter-of-fact':Zerieth did this; Kaito did that. Don't try to fluff your writing up, but aim to give a bit more detail to the scene. As a writer, it's your responsibility to paint a clear enough picture for the reader to envision the scene, but leaving out enough detail to allow the reader to use some of his/her imagination.

I thought you did you a better job with proof-reading and not internalizing every thought. You had less typos/grammatical mistakes and I never got lost hearing each and every thought Zerieth thought. Try to continue this path of showing, not telling.

Take +25 div bonus for solid work this week.


Wayne

Do You Really Want to Live Forever?

Grade: 144/145 (SDB doesn’t apply to you; sorry)
Comments:

Ok, I’m sorry for doing this, Wayne, but you’ve left me no choice other than take this paragraph out of context:

“That’s a start. Keep at it as long and hard as you can. Surely someone as strong as you can produce something hotter, though it’ll drain you eventually. It just comes down to who can last the longest... you and the stress, or your opponent and the heat.”

​

Talk about BROmance between Kyuketsu and Zakeriah! Hahahaha! :3

Ahem, *clears throat*, anyway...

I thought Kyuketsu did a nice job of training Zak without going against his nature. He taught the basics and left the rest up to his subordinate to hone and figure out. Survival of the fittest without intending to kill his trainee. Very appropriate.

The only problem I had with the collab was the getting drinks at the end. With their wounds, I’d expect a ‘let’s get patched up first’; however, they are fearless duelists/masters in the art of badassery so I guess it’s plausible.

 

[mitsuhito]

Cad – 66 + 10DB

[66/76] Blood in The Water

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s Cadaman.

First, omg what have I done. Had I known beforehand, that you would take my advice... I still would have said it. A beard-grooming chapter, hilarious!

So not much to say about the chapter itself, other than tons of more or less interesting facts, some of which I heard the first time off (oh, and the word hyoid, never would have looked the English word up if not for this text^^). The whole text was written a little differently than you would normally write chapters, what happened to be a good stylistic device. For a little twist you thought about the division and stuff too.

I specifically liked this sentence:

All killers should know the importance of separating the living from the dead, dear reader.

WTF, comparing killing people to killing hair^^.

Error wise, there were a few ones, but nothing big. The only thing I could mention would be ‘Adam’s apple’. The second word won’t start capitalized. Well that’s about all though.

I need to quote you here:

Cadolf
because im going to get like 60% credit on it

Well if you want to, I can deduct some points for this (I think 10 will be more than enough^^). Finally, take 10DB.


Sene – 66 + 25DB

[66/66] Another Fallen Warrior

So, heiya Sene, nice to read something from you again^^.

The chapter itself was interesting, to say the least. I don’t know if that fight you two talked about was already written out (or will be), or if it was a fight you two did but never wrote about.

Nevertheless, from this piece of writing alone, I found out what happened in Rukongai and why Sene now uses a wheelchair to move around. But, you two didn’t only tell about it in one or two sentences, you managed to give the reader small chunks of the previous fight throughout the collab, until one could grasp the magnitude of what had happened.

I can’t wait to read the next c46 trial (is it just me, or do those old geezers get busier judging our decisions more often recently?)

There were just a few mistakes in here, maybe enough to get one turn of, but I believe that was cause you didn’t write in a while? Anyway, will look away this time^^, take the full points. Additionally rawb allowed me to hand out some div bonuses, and cause the things you two did were division and captain relevant take 25 div points.

 

[lilmangoseed]

Announcement:
I'm not actually sure of what Kago is doing with his SDB. Check your PMs and help decide if whether or not he should use it this week or next.​

Katie – 435 + 25 Div

So... between us, a legitimate collab and a softcore porn. Quite a week.

Well, let’s go with legit first . I liked it. I appreciated Adelaide’s honesty and her ability to pull information out from Isogu as necessary. Without actually knowing much about Isogu, you were able to ask the right questions in order to gain the most information from a single meeting in a semi-surreptitious manner. This collab made me realize that perhaps Will’s right – Adelaide might make a very good Jane Bond-y type spy.

Now softcore porn. I was turned on and felt very very lessie after this. ‘nuff said.

As for your collab with Alexia... It started off swell. But then it got pretty disorganized and rather sloppy toward the end. The random kiss. Alexia reading Adelaide’s mind about ‘eating Italian.’ It stopped feeling like a playful, semi-flirtatious excursion to something a little more awkward and nonsensical. Anyway, props to you for helping Alexia come out of her shell. That’s a big step, and it’s important to help with character development at every possibly venue in the RP. Ah, and one last thing, contrary to the name ‘White Zinfandel,’ zinfandel is actually a red grape that makes red wine or a fruity rose wine. (Alcoholic Lil drinks a lot of this).

The one with Pho was neat. I like how much time you spent trying to make the mechanical aspects of the item work out, and the realism of being unable to find successful utiity in it at all. This is an old collab, and after checking to make sure I read your note, it's actually a very successful collab, especially with Adelaide still in the 8th. Great job.

Revelations – 166/166
Softcore Porno – 66/66
Exceptional Acceptance – 114/118
Bankai Moon – 91/91 ​

Bish – 191 + 50 Div

Nice job on this one. I really like how we communicated here to come up with appropriate effects and actions that made up a believable collab. To be completely honest, going into this, I expected to give Satoru Seventh Seat. However, after sucessfully finding ways to impress Lilith on multiple levels, you really showed why Satoru deserved a higher seat. Well done.

The collab with Doc was... fun but inaccurate unfortunately. Shortly after Lilith taught Gorou FoL, staff changed the training requirements in order to learn the technique. It is now the following (which can be found in the Feat Revamp thread or the Feat Repository):
​

Training: In order to learn the Fruit of Labor, it is necessary to fully exhaust the Hakuda threshold in open combat on at least two occasions. After that, the user may do a training chapter or collab where they exhaust their hakuda threshold again, and continue pushing their body until it surpasses its normal limits.​

Unfortunately, this means that you’ll need to exhaust your hakuda threshold twice more in order to learn the tech.

Also, another important specific of the collab was that whole “Satoru finds out that Gorou is actually a vizard” section. That seemed highly unbelievable to me. Learning that a shinigami became a vizard is a pretty big piece of information to find out – especially for someone as inquisitive as Satoru. Rather than play out the scene according to character, it felt more like, “Let’s just briefly skim over this major, dangerous, life-changing detail and focus on learning that random tech I saw you use before.”

Clever Tactics – 101/101
Atatata – 90/97 ​

​

Kago - 64 + 100 VC

So I have... mixed feelings with the finale of this arc. From your end of the conversation, Kago was much more interesting than what I’ve seen before. He stands up for what he believes in, establishes himself as a man, and defends his actions. The sudden change in attitude at the end sort of came from left field to me though. Considering how the conversation went, it seemed weird for Kago to just leave with a casual and rather deferent goodbye. But on a greater scheme, well, let’s just say that I could relate very well to Kago’s early feelings in the collab.

Another Fallen Warrior – 64/66​

​

 

[Wayne]

Al – Do You Really Want to Live Forever?

Ours was a pretty lengthy collab wasn’t it? Either way, I found this training/teaching session to be rather insightful in how Zakeriah views the Eleventh’s methodology and aesthetics. He’s eager to learn and grow, which as Kyuketsu pointed out, a definite asset that would help him greatly. You gave just the right amount of struggle and finesse necessary of a third seat, especially when learning Die Standing. Zak didn’t come off knowing the skills right off the bat, and struggled with them in the right ways, so props to that. One gripe I had were some of the grammatical errors here and there, though nothing stood out too much.

Also, I’m buying Collab Bonus

Grade: 143

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Crys – Odds and Ends

Oho, look at you—four chapters in a week.

Needless to say, this started off not the way I was expecting. The little inserts at the beginning of the first two chapters added some ambience and shall I say, foreboding to the entire piece. The suspicion and disconnection felt by Grigoriy was justified, although I’ll have to give it to ol’ Tetsuo to remain so modest and humble despite the insane power gap he has with the rest of the gang. Everything else went about normally, and then you hit me with a fastball out of nowhere.

Tetsuo obliged.

That line right there. That seriously made me lean back against my chair and laugh out of utter surprise and amusement. That’s some M. Night Shyamalan-level trolling/twist right there. As a reader, you reeled me in making me think the guy Kotori was talking to was some important undisclosed character, and then, with flawless precision, the revelation just comes out in a really simple, yet effective fashion. Bra-fucking-vo. The rest showcased a more insider perspective on how Tetsuo acts while not under the scrutiny of the Gotei, and I gotta say: he’s one scary fucker. You brought tension and emotion, particularly from Kotori herself as she reacted to Tetsuo’s actions. And the fact that the writing is so fleshed out and smooth made it a worthwhile read despite the length. Stellar work for this one.

Grade: 316 + 150 Division Bonus because goddamn.

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Vin – Fearmonger // Exceptional Acceptance // Day by the Seaside

Starting with Fearmonger. It’s funny to point out how Alexia was all against ‘barbarism’ when she first joined Eleventh, but now suddenly whips her sword out at Manzou while at another squad’s barracks. It seems like growth to me, so I’d say that’s a good thing. The back and forth you had with Manny was somewhat enjoyable and enlightening in regards to Alexia’s view of Gorou, and while some parts came off as awkward, all in all, this was a real solid chapter.

As for Seaside and Lezceptance, thing’s kind of got haywired a little bit. If you read some of the other comments with your partners, you’ll see it reflected on my grading. The one with Katie started off pretty fun. It was building up to a relationship that mixed in a little bit of comic relief and solid camaraderie. The lightness and implied lez-humor was there, and though it worked, you kinda went overboard a little bit. Too much of a good thing will inevitably fuck you in the long run. As for Seaside, my question I chat still goes: how come no one can see your zanpakutou and why is Alexia suddenly a lifeguard? The fight itself was alright in terms of action and pacing, although your narrative and inner thoughts could need some more work done. All in all, these two were okay, but way beneath Fearmonger.

Grade: 98 (Fearmonger) + 114 (Acceptance) + 67 (Seaside)
Bounty: 75 Kan

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Raph – Shibboleth

Holy titty-loving Christ. It’s literally over 9000. Fuck you.

Reading your comments on Arun, I’d say you’re taking it too hard on yourself. This was a neat and dare I say, epic, work despite its god-awful length. Your writing style and Hiren’s, though contrasting in some ways, kind of complement one another. It’s kind of like a couple who finishes each other’s sentences when talking—it’s as if the both of you already know what the other is about to put down so each one writes in a way that would elevate the emphasis and dynamic for the next turn. Some parts came off as needlessly lengthy to me though, in the sense that the main idea was overstuffed with additives and grammatical fluff. Not bagging on it, just... laylow on that a little bit. To me personally, as much as there seemed to be a balance of ‘presence’ on the surface, I got the gut feeling that it was Ciro who dominated the entire time in terms of said presence, though still fantastic on your end.

Grade: 238