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Grading Session for Week 270

Rob

Rob

Pew Pew Pew
Latens
11,698✦
Exa
⏆5,260
Bounty
⏈0
Dahlitium (⏆50 per)
0⌯
Bigatium (⏆100 per)
0⍨
Auritium (⏆300 per)
0⍫
Vitatium (⏆1200 per)
0⌭
Caelitium (⏆6000 per)
0⌬
Group 3 -> Group 1 -> Group 2 -> Group 4 -> Group 5 -> Group 3

Group 1 (Will): 1st/5th/7th Divisions
Group 2 (Lil): 10th/8th Divisions
Group 3 (Rob): 3rd/12th Divisions
Group 4 (Wayne): 4th/9th/11th Divisions
Group 5 (Hiren): AHs/Vizards/Quincies​

Grades are due April 2, 2013 @ 11:59 PM EST​
 
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Man, looks like PM fatigue setting in? On the off-chance I missed something, PM me. And you, Eighth, haven't been around in quite some time. Where you at?

Dys
Congrats on learning Soshi. Take 150 Division Bonus this week, and remember I bought us a collab bonus for Tomorrow so double the score when adding it to your stats.

All the Promise of Tomorrow
It's been a long time since someone made me write like that. You had a lot of solid fundamentals, and I really liked Adele's characterization. The only thing I noticed was that Adele called Adelaide "Captain" at the end of the colab; Adelaide's title is either Vice-Captain (fukutaichou) or Lieutenant. I enjoyed teaching Soshi this time almost as much as I enjoyed it last time, and I'm really excited to see you becoming a strong part of the Tenth. I really hope you write more often, because this was a thoroughly enjoyable experience. I look forward to our next collab!
137/138


Wayne
Eagerly looking forward to the next part of Zero Valhalla.

Real Monsters
So, the only note here that's anything but anything is a grammatical one. If you end one paragraph with dialogue and open the next with dialogue, the first paragraph doesn't have a close-quote at the end of it. Take a look at some of Will's massive writing blocks, I see him do this pretty often properly. Anyway, I like the idea that "Do you really wanna live forever?" is the Eleventh's motto. I've said before that Kyu seems like a pretty good leader of barbarians - I mean soldiers! And this brought a new level to that, showing the added dimension of a former apprentice's brother.
74/75
 
Hiren

Hello Sweetie - 93

Well what can I say? We have cosplay of the Doctor. We have great character interaction. We have tensions and divisions. I think you did an excellent job on this collab with KT and you deserve full points so there you go. Good work, sir!

Here is my link for whoever's grading me: http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?37438-Week-270-Can-t-You-See
 
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Beaks – 82 – 75 Division Bonus

Beaks. Ahhhh, yes, Beaks. It’s good to see you writing chapters somewhat regularly again, or just seeing you write in general. I’ve always been fascinated with your writing style as it is quite in contrast with my own, I feel. Your words do what mine often times don’t, and that is speak louder than pictures themselves.

And I don’t mean that in an overly descriptive way, I mean it in an action-packed Die Hard-before-the-sequels-tore-it-a-new-asshole type of way.

It is certainly a nice change of pace from my own writing.

I could probably go on and on, but there really wasn’t a whole lot on the grammatical or spelling-side of things for me to comment on, it was a solid piece of writing. The only thing I did wonder about, but I wondered about this before though, is whether Tsubaki is really just depressed as fuck thinking everyone is out there to get her.

Or if it’s just a select few people she’s referring to every time, because as I’m sure I pointed out before, Nana is not exactly like that.

Anyway, maybe I’m just looking too much into something that should be seen as awesomeness!

Keep up the good work, man.

Lin – 88 – 75 Division Bonus

First time for everything, right? I don’t think I’ve ever had the pleasure of grading you, but if I have... well, I suppose I am sorry for not remembering. Anyhow, on to the matter at hand: your writing. I have always liked your writing, it’s refreshing.

I wish I could offer you something better than what I am giving you now, though. I have not read enough of Ilsa to know whether you remained true to her character or not. I’d like to believe you did, as I hope every does really, but I can’t really tell since I hardly ever read any of your writing as is.

I liked what little I did catch a glimpse of though. Your writing style is very solid, and there are few – if at all any – faults.

I’ll admit, though, that I thought the collab felt a wee bit forced at certain junctions, and while I understand it was some post-PM-Akio-lost-his-arm-so-he-needs-a-replacement kind of collab, I really think you guys could’ve done so much more with it.

Not that it was bad, far from, it just felt a bit incomplete at times.

The characters and their interactions with each other were good though, very well done.

I really do hope to read more of your writing in the future, and perhaps even get a collaboration out of you one day, but we shall see!
 
[COLOR="#00000"]Al – Swarm

Hit a wall for your current arc, eh? No worries, it happens to all of us. This ‘filler’ chapter, for the most part, started off pretty standard. I will say though, it was quite nice of you to add some shock factor with Zak going against some infant-looking Hollow. The fight in itself was quick and seamless, flowing nicely from beginning to end. I was kinda iffy with the cliffhanger though, as I felt that it kind of abruptly just ended the whole chapter out of the blue. That aside, I’m looking forward to seeing this mini-arc’s next installment.

Grade: 127 + 15 Division Bonus[/COLOR]​


Vin – Mild Trouble in Little China

Man, Gorou was being tsundere as fuck in this one, wasn’t he? Poor Alexia though, having to see her mentor just brush her off like that. Her pleas for him to come back to SS were interesting thing to see, actually. She’s definitely grown mentally in some parts, but it’s a good thing to see (character-wise) that she’s still pretty innocuous and childishly sincere when it comes to some topics. The naiveté she displayed concerning the case of vizards and the Gotei gave a more realistic sense into her way of thinking. She still possesses traces of that black-and-white outlook of the world, and here’s a perfect example of where it can be seen. All in all, this was a touching chapter seeing her struggle to keep a friend.

Grade: 60 + 15 Division Bonus​


Trio – Transitions // Things Lost // Test of Mettle // Real Monsters

Goddamn, you’re just all over the place with characters this week. Initially, I was able to follow Akio and Takashi’s storylines, but the third one—Chizuru, kinda got me lost a little bit on who the hell she was. Either way, starting with Transition, I figured you were going for less dialogue on this one and focusing more on the narration, but a few more speaking lines here and there couldn’t hurt. Even if it’s not out loud, a couple more internal thoughts could have made the ambiance of this piece become picture perfect. For you other two works, they were a lot more lighthearted in nature, particularly the one with Lin. Akio showed a noticeable change in persona while with his peers compared to when he’s in fight-mode, and your collab with Nel certainly added some more character development for your NPC.

Lastly, for our own collab, I honestly kind of got the feeling that Takashi was trying a little too hard to impress Kyuketsu. His lengthy answers to his questions weren’t exactly bad, but kinda misplaced on some parts. Whatever the case, he didn’t exactly wow Kyuketsu on the same level Akio did, but Takashi definitely piqued his interest. We’ll just have to see how things pan out in the future the next time we collab. Also, I’m getting us CBonus for this one.

Grade: 50 (Transitions) + 85 (Things Lost) + 48 (Mettle) + 75 (Monsters) + 15 Division Bonus​


Nel – A Test of Mettle

On the same note with Trio, this ‘fight/spar’ collab was pretty tame compared to most things we get to read. There were a few kidou thrown around here and there, but most of them were bindings with the intent behind them being pretty lighthearted. I’m guessing you guys tried to give this a more serious tone as it went on, but inadvertently ended up with a pretty girly-girl scene throughout. It’s really just my personal take on it, but I saw this more like a pair of high school girls giggling and throwing paint on each other. That’s just me, though.

In the end, this was a nice and easy read and I saw no grammatical errors that need mentioning. Take full points on this one too.

PS: Fuck your bright-ass eye-bleeding font color D:< How's a taste of your own medicine?

Grade: 48 + 15 Division Bonus​


Cash Moony – Can’t You See?

Zero dialogue on this one too. It’s like I’m surrounded by mutes or something. Lol jk.

Despite the lack of anything being said at all here, you wrote it good enough that it didn’t warrant any kind of speech and voice input. The narration was stellar, and the dramatic tension you were going for worked substantially for the part. There was emotion and emphasis all throughout the chapter, and to me it almost read a lot like a diary written in narrative form. I’m honestly not a big fan of chapters without the slightest bit of talking, but on your case, this worked out quite alright.

Grade: 54​
​
 
Wow, looks like Hare and I were the only ones in Group 1 who wrote last week.

Hare

With This I... Will Have Power [36/37]
I haven't been keeping up on Haresuno's Epic Storyline, but I think I got the gist of his family situation here. Overprotective daddy much? First he strips Ayumu of his reiatsu to keep him safe, then hesitates to teach his adopted daughter how to fight. I hope Hare has biological children with Iida; watching him with an infant would be hilarious!

Anyway, there wasn't anything technically wrong with this piece. It just felt incomplete, rushed. Much shorter than I'm used to seeing from you, that's for sure. Perhaps next time you want to show a decision point like this, write some of what happens afterwards. In this case, Ayumu coming home and discovering that his sister is going to train in self-defense with him and his father.

+50 div


Katie

All the Promise of Tomorrow [139/139]
I haven't read that much of your writing before, but I've enjoyed what I have seen. You have a nice flow, with a balance between action, thought, and description that can be tricky to achieve. At first I saw this and went "Great, another training collab." This one was a fun read, though. Adele is just too adorable, and Adelaide's protectiveness is touching. I also like how you both got some backstory in there without bogging the collab down. Adelaide being around 'women of a particular stripe' growing up might explain a few things. ;) Poor thing seems awfully lonely; is there a reason she doesn't consider her captain someone to fall back on? Perhaps we should get together and have Adelaide meet Ilsa. Ilsa needs more friends among the PCs, and I have a feeling Adelaide could use more friends too.

Hello Sweetie [93/93]
A TARDIS-shaped Charon's Gate! That literally made me laugh out loud. So did "Holy hell, she felt like a sexy Raury Feybrand" when serving scotch. Poor Adelaide, being driven nuts by a cosplaying Lucia while trying to discuss serious business. I really need to keep up better with other people's personal storylines, I had no idea Adelaide was aiming for noble status. She should compare notes with Hare sometime. Political wheeling and dealing isn't my usual cup of tea, but this particular web of plots promises to be interesting with several PCs and Kikuchi Issei involved.

+100 div
 
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