Grading Session for Week 273

[K3]

Group 4 -> Group 1 -> Group 5 -> Group 3 -> Group 2 -> Group 4


Group 1 (Will): 1st/5th/7th Divisions
Group 2 (Katie): 10th/8th Divisions
Group 3 (Rob): 3rd/12th Divisions
Group 4 (Wayne): 4th/9th/11th Divisions
Group 5 (Moony): AHs/Vizards/Quincies​

Grades are due April 23, 2013 @ 11:59 PM EST​

 

[Rob]

Since Raph was supposed to grade me, but now Mewny seems to be grading me, so I suppose I'll grade this week as well.

I'd like it if you were to send your stuff to me through PM from henceforth, since no one seems to be using the doc anyway.

Thanks.

Beaks

Hnnng, so sorry. I totally forgot to put in your grade yesterday. Take full points (60) + 50 division bonus.

Katie - 74

Please don't use orangette ever again, unless you speak of a/the fruit thingamajig.

The lieutenant frowned at the orangette; “I thought you’d be Seriho...” the awkward wording didn’t really hide the meaning she was trying to convey at all.

But it did let the orangette respond in kind, “I thought you’d be taller.”

Talking about awkward wording, the only thing not awkward about this entire ordeal is that which you wrote as being awkwardly worded. I'll be honest, Katie, it's not bad grammar, or spelling... or even terrible sentence structuring. It just reads really, really awkward. Also, on a more nitpicky note 'the awkward wording' should really be 'The awkward wording', since you're not actually speaking of a particular way she spoke it.

Okay, seriously now, did you forget to read your chapter over again? Because, barely into the chapter I get this: Fujeda=senpai’s

Fujeda = senpai's.

Really?

Moving on.

I’m getting ready to venture in to and I asked

In to is, for instance, used in the case of 'I handed my papers in to the Professor."

Into would be used in this case, which means you're moving into something. And since you're venturing into this world, it should be into instead of in to.

So, on the whole, though, this chapter had depth enough to work, but I feel like it was missing a bit of personality at times. Coupled with those weird errors you made, kind of made it feel like you rushed it at times. It was a good chapter, and I liked the intrigue, so keep that in mind!

 

[Time Lady Katie]

Dys
Wordcounts! Thanks! As per usual, have some bonus. 75 Division Bonus seems right this time!

Reiatsu Control
As usual, I love your writing. One thing stuck out to me though, and I noticed it most prominently when you were talking about Japanese maples. If you're going to mention something a few times in quick succession like that, try coming at it different ways. Like "Those old, colorful trees were Adele's favorites" rather than use the name of the tree again, similar to how you would when talking about characters. You have 'Adele', 'the mystic' and 'kitty-gami' in stock for Adele, try to apply that to the trees. I'm always impressed with your ability to really flesh out the learning curve on abilities and make it an engaging read, though! This chapter was another great example.
50/51

Dissonance
I have to admit to giggling profusely when her cat ears were exposed. I think I caught some numbers there that looked like wordcounts? If you wrote this in Google Docs, don't worry about that. Docs keeps track of your wordcount and the overall score is determined by dividing the total wordcount by the total participants. Anyway, Adele was massively entertaining in this collab and I'm hugely excited to continue working with her! And I'm hugely excited for Part II.
75/75


Bish
So, you get 50 Division Bonus, but you also get 50 Leadership Kan! Now finish that turn you owe me.

Dissonance
It's not like Adelaide went "Let me light Satori on fire. That'll help." Ish threw Satori into the flames. Like Addie isn't going to blame herself enough, now she's got you backing her up. But seriously, though, I feel like Satoru might have a bit of the PTSD that Adelaide's been suffering, what with his desire to shatter the innocence of Adele. That's pretty dark, man. Also, let me give you a hard time about the fact that you were given one order and didn't even get to it yet! But honestly, it was a pretty good collab and it was a nice insight into Satoru's leadership abilities. Of course, only half the mission means only half the leadership kan.
75/75

Guest Grade
Send me yo links!

Title
Review
000/000


For my grader:
Opposition Research

 

[MoonlitRain014]

Raph

The Book that Wasn't [120/120]

I always worry that I am just being nice Moony when I give out a perfect grade but I can't help it. You just write so damn well that I have to give you a perfect grade. Your characterization, your flow with Rob and the way you portray Kiro's emotions is just so spot-on. Good stuff, man, good stuff.

Twm

A Sister's Reunion [202/202]

Jeez I don't know what to do but I once again feel that I have to award a perfect grade. You just...hit every base and hit them well. The characterization, the interaction between the characters and the pacing are superb. Good work Twm.

A Taste of Departure [88/88]

I sure hope that I'm not a big softie or something but again there's nothing wrong with anything here. My previous comments apply.

Rawb

The Book that Wasn't [120/120]

Take what Raph got because that was pretty outstanding on your part too, sir. I haven't got a lot to fault you on really. One or two minor, minor errors but nothing to even dock points for.

From the End of Life I Live [53/56]

I can't really dock you a whole bunch for my own personal impression of this chap but there was just something uneven about it to me. I felt like I was thrown into the midst of it and somehow got bounced around by the writing. It seemed too choppy to me. My point docking came from that choppiness but also from a few odd things like spelling "fucking" and "fucken" differently in the same sentence. Also sometimes I felt like "goddamn" was overused. I do like where you're going with the couple and their daughter in a general sense though.


Did I miss anyone? Let me know.

 

[swaswj]

I only seem to have the one thing to grade. I'll try to get that sometime today during work.

My writing:

PM: Week 273: The Peak Unabbreviated (3316) [Everything after the double horizontal break]
Week 273: Jailbreak (4900)
​

 

[Inks]

Will - 449/455 + 150 Div Bonus

because goddamn I’m just so nice

PS I stole your formatting style.

PPS I accidentally an essay



Jailbreak (which I initially wrote as ‘Jailbait’ and got halfway through this commentary before noticing, no fucking joke) was everything I’ve come to expect from MiKyu collabs: fun, wacky, and light-hearted awesomeness that inevitably leads me to dropping everything just to write more MiKyu retardation (sorry everyone else). Sometimes I feel like those two and their relationship don’t belong in Bleach-verse; they’re so dorky-goofy that a lot of their stuff feels like it’d be relegated to omake-shenanigans in any real manga.

Then I remember that this isn’t a manga, goofy and silly relationships are totally a legit thing, and the forums could probably use less Doom & Gloom ™.

Also, MiKyu is just fun.

I know I mentioned it before, but for a random side-person, Himura-san really stuck on me. He now holds a special place in my heart (him and his no-homo receptionist buddy).

Re-reading through Jailbreak, I noticed a few things I would fix up in my own posts, but I didn’t see anything worth pointing out with yours. I feel I should apologize for the horrific monstrosities that were my Mitsu-Mikael posts.




The Peak (Unabbreivated). Oh. My. Dog.

Oh long John.

Oh long Johnson.

Actually, for a continuation of a super-dramatic PM fight wherein you are writing for five different people, none of which are your own PC, I feel like you did a very good job. I imagine it was disappointing that the fight wasn’t able to be carried out/finished as it was intended (i.e. with the appropriate writers doing their things), but this works in its own way.

Everything flows together in a smooth, seamless manner that is basically impossible to achieve when taking turns in a fight (unless, as I know you’ve mentioned wanting to try, the fight has been planned out ahead of time), and although I’m sure everyone has things they’d rather his/her character did here or there, it’s clear that you tried your best to stay true to the PCs.

TL;DR: I THINK YOU DID A GOOD JOB (GERD JERB).

On a purely...technical level, there’s one habit you have in some of your longer (possibly more rushed?) works that I figured I’d go ahead and point out for you: repeated words.

Like I said, it’s mostly just a technical thing; hell, other readers might not even mind it (and I know I will repeat the hell out of words/phrases/sentences in some of my stuff whenever I’m trying to achieve some sort of ‘madness mantra’ emotion) but it’s one of those things that’ll make me stumble in my reading. It isn’t when a word is repeated throughout a chapter or whatever; that’s all cool with me. It’s occurrences like so--

Those words cut into him as the white blade cut forward.

Her hakama flashed to red, blue stripes flashing across her obi.

Theron's eyes hardened as he looked into Kago's eyes...

--that throw me off.

Honestly, it’s a nitpick. BUT HEY, let’s be double-honest; your writing is kinda badass, so nitpicking is all I got.

IT’S ALL I GOT.

Jailbreak (4900)
​

123/123
​

[PM] The Peak Unabbreviated (3316)
​

326/332 (163/166)


THIS LINK IS WILL'S LINK. THIS LINK IS MY LINK.
FROM CALIFORNIA. TO SOMETHIN SOMETHIN.(Link to my writing, which is coincidentally the Jailbreak link from Will's stuff)

​

 

[Wayne]

Vin – Father and Son

Welp, you certainly didn’t disappoint with Richard’s introduction. Right off the bat, he was calculating, tactical, and surprisingly convincing when it came to interacting with Garren. It was a short chapter, yet despite its length, you’ve managed to introduce a lot of key points driving the guy. The only real gripe I have with him really is his age. Considering he’s only mid-30s, then either he had kids when he was still in high school, or Garren is 14 years old or something. *shrug*

Grade: 50 + 15 Division Bonus​

​

Trio & Hiren – Permanence

I’m gonna mix you guys’ review into one seeing as how it’s the only work either of you have anyway. For starters, I was surprised by the connection between Lucia and Akio. They’re clearly leagues apart in terms of rank, but I got this feeling as though Akio was more leery and shall I say, ‘submissive’ towards Lucia. That’s just my take on it of course, but I assume that stems from the fact that Lucy’s from nobility and is stronger reiatsu-wise. The mutual understanding they both shared concerning the division is touching, if not a bit undermined. Props to Lucia for actually pushing the idea of becoming an acting captain to Akio. Makoto’s been gone for awhile now so time’s about right both in-game and out for someone to make a comeuppance. Nice work from the both of you, and I hope you two go on and reform the Fourth from where it stands now.

Grades: 72 (each) + 15 Division Bonus (again, each)​

​

Berri – Jailbait

What more is there to say, really? You and Will are about as comic relief as this RP could get. I would recommend not going too crazy with the underage stuff seeing as how the FBI might... oh... wait, it’s Jailbreak. Never mind.

But in all seriousness, I lol’d heartily at this chapter, be it the back and forth between the characters or just the general randomness of everything. The conversations restricted between each of you guys’ turns were undoubtedly entertaining, although they kinda messed with the turn-by-turn flow a little bit. Also the monstrous lengths on some. Yeah, that. Some integrated well, while others not so much. I’d also like to comment on the subtle add-ons you put on the chapter, particularly the link thingamajig on the fourth turn. I tried clicking on it relentlessly until I realized it displayed a message when hovered on. Very nice touch aesthetic-wise.

Grade: 123 + 15 Division Bonus​