Grading Session for Week 276

[Apeiron]

Group 2 -> Group 3 -> Group 4 -> Group 1 -> Group 5 -> Group 2
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Group 1 (Will): 1st/5th/7th Divisions
Group 2 (Katie): 10th/8th Divisions
Group 3 (Rob): 3rd/12th Divisions
Group 4 (Wayne): 4th/9th/11th Divisions
Group 5 (Moony): AHs/Vizards/Quincies
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Grades are due May 14, 2013 @ 11:59 PM EST
​

 

[MoonlitRain014]

So it goes without saying that PM bonus applies to GiD. You guys can calculate it because I'm lazy and bad at math.


Ketch:

Greed or Fear [35/35]

Short but sweet. Now I'm starting to get a better feeling for Rudo and you were much less Mr. Thesaurus in this which made it flow better and seem easier to read.

The Prelude [62/64]

I only docked two points here. One because it's a bit rapid-fire confusing and two because there was one huge human thesaurus moment that just hurt. It was "vociferating". Otherwise I like the interaction between the characters and the fact that Rudo is one hard-ass SOB.

Bleed [91/91]

Good. Yeah. I really thought this was well done. The way you drew the characters and their interactions was ideal. It all flowed nicely into a cohesive whole.

Oh and take half the div. bonus this week.


Raph:

God Is Dead [166/170]

By and large this was at the high standard I hold for you, Raph. In between your descriptive powers and the fact that you had to write two characters interacting as well as dealing with the combat aspects of what you were writing I was most impressed. The caveat I will issue and the reason I issue it is that I felt like you were over-egging the pudding when it comes to making Arano seem powerful and bad-ass. It was like every action had to be outdone by the next and sometimes it felt a little too forced.


Twm:

Deductive Confusioning [71/73]

So the only reason I docked two points is that dumping people into the midst of stories can sometimes be disorientating otherwise there's not a lot I can say that's negative. Two more interesting characters introduced, a scenario that has many potential branches and a nice little tie into Ewan at the end.


Doc:

You Cannot Win [133/137]

A) Nice GoT reference in the titles and B)Proofread. The first part had a few juicy proofing errors in it so that's where you lost points. Otherwise I think the writing was solid and I particularly like the conflicts that Gorou is having with his sudden vizardness.


You can take the other half of the div. bonus this week, Dawk.


KT:

God is Dead [166/171]

I always really enjoy reading Addie and she fit in nicely for the most part. I think that the way you portrayed her conflict when she knew that the being she was killing wasn't Brooke but all of those feels were still there was excellent and you did combat well here especially towards the end. The reason I deducted points was the fact that Isogu/Man in White seemed too similar to Adelaide in the way he was presented in terms of his dialogue.


Sev

God Is Dead [159/162]

So you did a super-awesome job playing Prom. I think he had the necessary gravitas, evil and sense of sneering at all these fools who attempted to oppose him but there was a few places where I felt like you were sort of reaching. There was a sense that you had to kind of cram stuff in to fit but I only dropped a few points for it. Otherwise it was also up to your usual standards!




Links for my graderu: http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?37512-Week-God-is-dead and http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?37568-Week-276-Determining-A-Future .

 

[Apeiron]

Grading this week.

God Is Dead is my only writing.

http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?37512-Week-God-is-dead

 

[Time Lady Katie]

PMs are over! Dance in the streets! Hopefully that means the Eighth Division will come out of Witness Protection and write something!

TENTH ANNOUNCEMENT

Come fly with me, fly, let's fly away. (English: Click HERE for a Tenth/SWA Event open to all of Soul Society!)​

Dys
Typically, if we do two or more personal chapters in a week we post them in one thread. I've messed that up myself once or twice, but keep it in mind. Anyway, have 50 Division Bonus and keep up the awesome writing.

Road Trip
I wanted to come off more mischievous than creepy, but hey, whatever. Fun times were had by all, and by all I mean Adelaide, so that's what I care about. I appreciate the fact that I can jump straight to Part Two, because I feel like there has to be a great continuation to the story of a cat-eared Shinigami and a gypsy traveling toward Fifty.
68/68

Road Trip II
There is only one comment to make on this chapter. This is that comment: OhsweetSapphohowcuteomgomgcuteeeee!
37/37


Kago
God is Dead is Dead. Thanks for keeping it going early on.

God is Dead PM BONUS!
I know it's a familiar song to sing about PMs, but here it is: where'd you go? Of all the people from The Peak present, you probably comported yourself with the best tactical approach, and then you just disappeared. Man, I missed out on some quality Kago. Well, of the 452 words you were around for, they were quality, so take your points. I'm just disappointed you did the typical PM thing and vanished.
45/45


Rob
I'll get you a turn tonight. Promise. Also, 50 Division for writing something so powerful. Hell, I take that back, 100 Division. Go crazy.

Off with Her Head!
I should say there was an elipsis that confused me. "she wasn’t exactly the type of person to be found at specific locations... at specific times" but that said, I feel a sudden and inexplicable desire to ship Nanabaki. This is possibly one of the best, most emotional and exciting reads I've had in a while, and so major bravos to you and Beaks here. One last little thing, and I'm docking points because it wildly changes the meaning of the sentence; "Content" versus "Contempt"... your thing about how the division holds 'content' for Tsubaki... yeah, not the word you meant.
152/154


For my grader:

God is Dead​

 

[Wayne]

all i have for this week is God is Dad

also grades will be up soon

 

[Rob]

So, FUNNY STORY: due to my laptop not feeling too well, I can't access the God is Dead thread due to an excess of MP3's and other media (I shit you not), as a result I have asked for Alan to fill in for me with grading Wayne. Beaks, you I will be able to grade, yay!

Anywho, Wayne, Alan'll be handling you for this week.

Beaks - 152

So, I gave you my points, because I'm evil like that. Even after finishing our collaboration, I still thought Tsubaki was a bit too much in shambles to make exactly one hundred percent, perfect sense. It's not a bad thing that this is not the case, but as you have noticed, some of your turns really made me feel a bit angry at you because I just wasn't sure what to do with them. We talked it through, and I got over it. No, but in all honesty, that talk was good. Gave us more to work with, and now I know what your goal is for Tsubaki!

On the whole, though, what started off as an okay collaboration, turned into an awful one to me, but then redeemed itself near the end with some very powerful writing from the both of us. In the end, I enjoyed this collaboration thoroughly, and congratulations on your promotion - which I winged, and subsequently forgot what it was again!

Also take 100 Division bonus, because why the fuck not.

 

[Several Zombies]

So Rob asked me to handle Wayne since he's experiencing some hardware issues that prevent him from loading God is Dead. Probably because someone kept posting MP3s >.>;;

Anyways;

Criss:

wOW I DIDNT EVEN BOTHER READING BECAUS IT WAS TO USELESS.

But really bro. You played your part in this collab exactly as expected. Ragejew made a pretty grandiose entrance, made a good effort to fight despite him kind of unravelling after Togo, and in the end, got pretty fucked up in the best way possible.

I really would have liked to expand on him succumbing to the madness a bit more, but we had to think about time in that collab. Not really a comment on your plays so much as a general gripe. Overall your writing was tops, as usual. You kept the flow going nicely and played off the rapport with Prometheus/Emptybones excellently, so kudos there. I'm pretty psyched to see how this little lapse in sanity plays out for your personal plot.

Oh, and Rob says I can give you some division bonars if I want, so take an extra 50 points on top of your grade.

250/250

PM bonus has been applied!

 

[Wayne]

Al – The Swarm Finale // Akira

Welp, the Hollow fight was a neat little side story to take your mind off the main arc, and it certainly didn’t disappoint. It was intense and brutal, as is your specialty when it comes to writing. The only real issue I saw was the shifting consistency with capitalizations. From what I’ve seen before, ‘Bankai’ and ‘Shikai’ are generally accepted either in upper or lower case. In this situation, it’s best to stick to pick one and stick with it all the way. As for the tale of Akira, that one took me by surprise. It’s certainly dark and gritty from the get-go, and I’d even go so far as to say that the overall serious theme for that chap sometimes surpassed Zakeriah’s own story. Regardless, this NPC chapter made for an engaging introduction. Good stuff.

Grade: 135 + 15 Division Bonus​

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Vin – You Either Die a Hero, Or Live Long Enough to Steal Batman Titles

So it looks like you went with the ol’ bait and switch with that first Garren chapter. I had assumed this character would be all about him being some lighthearted and cocky vigilante type with Quincy powers. And then shit went to a nosedive in srs-business territory. You did great portraying Richard’s personality as this ego-maniacal asshole, what with the abusing he places on his own family. That really cemented him as a stereotypical (but in a good way) baddie. That being said, his death was kind of a letdown. You sorta built him up as this calculating power-hungry Quincy, then he died in less than five seconds via blinding and sword to the gut. No arrow storm or special Gintou tricks. Just stabbed the fucker.

Regardless, if that’s what you wanted of him, then so be it. That was just my personal preference on the matter. In the end, this was a major turning point for Garren, and you’ve definitely did justice to it.

Grade: 72 + 15 Division Bonus​

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Hare – God Is Dead

Hooboy, Prom vs. Everyone Part Deuce. I always wondered what it would be like when Haresuno saw Prometheus again after being at the receiving end of that major-mind fuck from last PMs, and you certainly didn’t disappoint. It was a valiant effort on his part trying to think up a strategy to take on the Dread Lord, and it seemed like you were getting somewhere with the whole ‘attack from afar’ idea. Still, ol’ Prommy proved too much for all of us to handle and injected Haresuno with summa dat dere madness juice. You played that part well, particularly with the whole running away bit. While it was Adelaide’s item thing that saved our asses, Haresuno did his part as best he could, and at the end of the day, that’s all that really matters right?

Grade: 190 (PM Bonus added) + 15 Division Bonus​

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[Apeiron]

GOD IS DEAD​

Because all of my grading has to do with this specific thread, I’mma just go ahead and hit y’all in one go!

Will 76/76

So, not terribly much you can do when Sayis is dead of rei and tired as all get-out, but for what was done it was good solid writing, and good coordination. Of note, however - and I think it’s been said before - is the use of the exclamation mark. You don’t use it alot, but when you do it feels ... off and out of place. At least from a narrative perspective. I’ve seen exclamation mark used in novels, but I’ve never really agreed with its usage in narration. Character thoughts, and I’ll typically give leeway to any sort of mixed narrative thought that you’d usually see in between dashes, but aside from that other situations just seem out of place.

Something on Sayis, himself. I’m not too sure how I feel about Sayis, tired and powerless, throwing himself at Prometheus. Seems no different than Hare at full power and refreshed, trying to take on Promo back in Hueco Mundo. The scenarios were different, given, but at the same time it’d be interesting to hear Sayis rationale at throwing himself at Prometheus.

Moon 146/146

It should say something that I’m disappointed in myself for not reading more Zakki.

I noticed two things specifically while reading your stuff. Firstly, is that I love the level of realism I find in your turns. The weight of the scenario somehow feels there - the desperation to protect his world, to stop Prometheus, and so forth - in a way a lot of people don’t really catch in their own writing. It gives reading Zakki a sense of depth and worry that he might not actually make it out alive. It’s good, and it’s refreshing. I’m not sure if it’s just because you write an Advent, or your own personal writing is a lot more grounded, but it feels less like the fantastic and distant writing you get from shini writers. Which, I suppose, is exactly the point.

Secondly, I noticed that commas are - at times - a fine acquaintance of yours or - on most other occasions - your bitterest of enemies. If you want a specific case, here:

“Concentrating his terrible radiant energy into bursts of heat so intense that it fused together the very particles that formed the substance of everything with mass in the universe he created lances of churning, blazing plasma and as each of six were formed he threw them with incredible force and unerring accuracy around the edges of Kyuketsu’s body.”

Hack...wheeze...cough.....

Bro...cough...slow...cough....down.

While you didn’t have a lot of sentences like this, there were plenty that needed an additional comma here or there, and they were in just about every turn. The main problem with this? It’s essentially a run-on. No. Scratch that. It is a run-on. Only advice I can give on this is - before you post - re-read your turn to see if it fits the scene, and then re-read your turn out loud. Chances are, if you have to speed your way through a paragraph, or run out of breath, trying to get through a sentence/paragraph - you can probably change it. Break it up into smaller, simpler, sentences or be less wordy.

+50 div cuz you earned it.


Let me know if I missed anyone.