Grading Session for Week 277

[Apeiron]

Group 2 -> Group 3 -> Group 4 -> Group 1 -> Group 5 -> Group 2
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Group 1 (Will): 1st/5th/7th Divisions
Group 2 (Katie): 10th/8th Divisions
Group 3 (Rob): 3rd/12th Divisions
Group 4 (Wayne): 4th/9th/11th Divisions
Group 5 (Moony): AHs/Vizards/Quincies
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Grades are due May 21, 2013 @ 11:59 PM EST
​

 

[Apeiron]

Who's on first?

Me.

Doesn't look like anyone other than me wrote this week for group 1. If I missed something hit me up.

Grader:
http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?37575-Week-277-With-This-I
http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?37586-3rd-5th-Week-277-Fragments

Moon 52/54

More good writing from you. Not a whole lot to hit on in terms of grammar. A large part of your writing was solid and set the tone of your chapter well. However, I still caught comma problems throughout. I think it was better than what I saw in “God Is Dead” but it’s still a problem. Especially when you go into descriptive words, which was the only other problem.

As I’m sure you’re already aware, when using descriptive words for your characters you want them to be unique. Things that can quickly recall the image of your character for the reader. At the same time, you want to be careful about which words you use. If you have two characters who are the same build, using words like “wispy waif” or “thin youth” can confuse your readers, doubly so if you don’t stop to reaffirm who is who during dialogue exchanges.

Really, that’s all I’ve got for you. Besides those problems it was a nice read, and a great beginning to later chapters.

 

[Rob]

Beaks - 63

For someone who's so quick to judge people, she's kind of a hypocrite. Possibly the biggest hypocrite in current RP times, but that's what makes her kind of interesting. Honestly, I could go off on a tangent about things we've discussed before and whatnot, and I won't. It was a good collaboration, and I'm eager to see you continue your 'let's-piss-off-every-captain' quest.

Take 75 division bonus.

Guest grader, who be yee?

 

[MoonlitRain014]

I already sent my link to Will...so unless Inky is grading...that's done.


Ketch:

Heat [60/62]

So in terms of content this delivered. I'm now forming a good picture of Rudo and what's up in his world. I do like the way Arno and Rudo interact. The edge is nice to read and it keeps me wondering how all of this is going to pan out. My reasons for dropping points were the same issues I've mentioned before. There were some instances of repetition again like, "he thought to himself over and over." and in the next paragraph, "He told himself that over and over".

There was also this, "particularly-humid Spring day." You don't need to put that hyphen in particularly humid and spring shouldn't be capitalized.

Otherwise great job and you are becoming much better with word choices. I am giving you props for the correct and appropriate use of "effulgence"!

Raph:

Ceaseless Hunger (53/53)

Well this was a workmanlike chapter that did what it said on the box. I do like the interactions between Kiro and Sabigyoushou and the dark undertones that flow in them. In fact, overall, Kiro is a character I'm impressed with! Good job with keeping his plot moving. You and Twm can split div. bonus this week.


Twm:

Dial "A" for Advent (98/100]

So for the most part I'd say that this was spot-on. You're getting as good as me (if I do say so myself) at getting your NPCs and PC to interact well and this was no exception. I guess all I would say (and the reason I docked a couple points) was that it felt a bit rushed. Sometimes it appeared as if you were hurrying with word choices. As I said, you get half div. this week.


KT:

A Respite of Sophistication (110/110)

Well I haven't a lot to say other than good job! I like the flirty interactions between Adelaide and Alexia. I also like the way you kept the flow going and still managed to talk about the battle with Prom. Yep, this was well-written and entertaining.

 

[Time Lady Katie]

Rob
None of my people wrote. Take 100 Division because of that.

Fragments of the Past
Still shipping Nanabaki, but I swear you put a paragraph break after grabbing her breast because I was grading you. Anyway, it's always hard to confront ghosts of the past and Nana did that pretty well here. I don't have much to say other than it was pretty exceptionally done and I really enjoyed it.
68/68

 

[Wayne]

Comments will be short this week, unfortunately. Go blame real-life. Or Jesus. Whichever one works

No writing from me this week either.


Vin – A Respite of Sophistication

Another Lexi and Addy collab with the forced sexual innuendo on the title. Goody. As I’ve said before, they complement each other in nearly everything they’re in, despite the constant shift on who dominates which chapter. For the most part, everything checked out grammatically, save for one part in the middle. It’s worst-case scenario, not worse-case, so just keep that in mind for future reference.

Grade: 109


Nella – Excuses

So you have two main PCs, but you decide to go with neither. Okay. Lol.

Regardless, this NPC chapter was rather interesting. There’s this weird balance between the grimness of the narration and the lightheartedness of the characters’ dialogues. Personally, I found that to be a nice touch, kind of making thing contrast and disparage the two. The chapter was short and quick, ad while I felt that you could have made it longer to really up its presentation, it’s acceptable the way it is now.

Grade: 50


Undies – Fragments // With This I...

Did I read that right? Tsubaki made Haresuno rage-quit the tea shop? What first began as friendly talk evolved (devolved?) beautifully into a heated argument that provided more lulz than anything else. Seeing Haresuno talk philosophy and ideologies like that can give off some serious style points, but since it’s Tsubaki he’s talking to, everything goes down the shitter one way or another. It just goes in one ear and out the other, it seems. In the end, he voiced himself quite tactfully, in full Haresuno fashion. Nice one. As for the pchap, an Uchiharu family piece is always welcome. Those cute fuckers stole the show for this one, and for some reason, Haresuno reminded me of Leonidas from 300 training his son... only, you know, less ripped.

Grade: 63 (Fragments) + 64 (Moved Forward) = 127