Graaaaah. So does Group 4 have the most people? I'm guessing so. Either way, last week of SDB sadly. It's been fun guys ;_;
Bonuses already added except for Div's. Mewn, I'll get you your grades soon, brosef.
Shun – Metamorphosis // Not Like You Imagined
Lol you bastard. I was inches away from ranting your ass off for that personal chap. The fact that you got me fooled though was really impressive on your part. The story’s execution was stellar, and I honestly thought you went ‘that route’ and dragged Ryoujin to Hell. Bringing back Kyouran, even if it’s just briefly, was definitely a sight to see. He was personally one of my more favorite villains while reading your shit, and his resurgence certainly didn’t disappoint. The interaction at the end between Kazeoni and Ryoujin was typical with all that good, creamy shounen goodness. Simple, but effective. There was a writing error somewhere in the middle where you swapped Kazeoni’s name with Kyouran, but other than that, I didn’t see any other mistakes.
As for our collab using Shunsen, I enjoyed the hell out of that, more so than most of our other collabs. I felt like his personality complimented and brought out a lot more of Kyuketsu’s dickish, asshole side that I never get tired of playing. I wasn’t a fan of the long-ass monologue he did before abruptly vanishing in the middle of their conversation, but that’s just a style nitpick on my part.
Grade: 739 (Metamorphosis) + 201 (Imagined) = 940 + 15 Division Bonus
Vin – Pull Back the Curtain // Meetings & Motives // Word of Mouf
Mixed batch of goodies this week. I have to say, this was a welcomed recovery from last week’s catastrophe. This is the shit I was talking about: solid plot, vivid and descriptive narration, engaging story-telling all around. Your chemistry with Zakki, if I’m to be blunt, fluctuates with every collab. Sometimes it works, sometimes not so much. I’d say this one was somewhere in between, although the addition of his sister, as well as the merging of plotlines was kind of a saving grace for this piece. This whole ‘destined to unite the races’ gig is a fascinating concept, though just be aware of your limitations.
The same deal with your personal chapters. The whole plan the Family’s got going on sounds surprisingly like that one Bleach filler where that scientist guy creates evil clones and shit. It’s not exactly forbidden to go that route, and I’m personally interested on how you develop this story, but again, just know where the line is and not cross it. If some Pseudo-Kyuketsu motherfucker pops up (or god forbid, a Sayis one), things might go full Kubo, and that won’t be pretty.
Lastly, for your collab with Berri, I honestly got not much to say. I didn’t hate not or love it... just read like a chick flick or something. Regardless, the interaction was amusing, so were the small jokes here and there, and yeah. Good stuff.
Grade: 84 (Curtain) + 181 (Motives) + 171 (Lesbians) = 436 + 15 Division Bonus
Kero – Mingzhu’s Coming to Town
Heya. Finally nice to grade you this time around, so we can get to the nitty-gritty of it. First impressions first: you’re certainly no beginner when it comes to writing. From what I’ve seen, you got practically everything in check. Punctuation, quotation marks, the works. You’d be surprised to see some oldies get the basic stuff wrong from time to time, so it’s awesome to see this from a newbie. All in all grammar is ace. As for the story structure itself, your writing style is just as great. The chapter’s progression flowed smoothly, making the read quick and easy. Thematic elements and motifs aren’t quite fleshed out, but since you’re just starting out with Mingzhu, that can come later. No need to worry about it for the time being.
This chapter aside, I’m looking forward when you begin writing being an actual soul reaper, going on missions, etc. I’ve only seen you collab with Katie so far, so by all means, hit me up with a message on the forums (or AIM) so we can properly induct Mingzhu to the 11th, and even teach her some techs if you’re down with it. Good work, and again, welcome to HD.
Grade: 159 + 75 Division Bonus to spoil you a little.
Shade – Behind the Bandages
Welp, what else is there to be said that I haven’t already said in chat? I guess for one, Feng seemed to have been playing it safe, to both mine and Kyuketsu’s ire. Ideally, it was a good move on your part and played into Feng’s persona of this cunning, ‘thinking-two steps head’ type. Kyu had some questions that came unanswered, and some of your responses were short and careful. But then again, that’s just my personal jive at it, and you kept true to your character’s personality. All in all, this Moral came by without a hitch, and the only real thing I felt like it was missing was the level of nefariousness ‘Seizing Leverage’ had. Your guy made no further comment on the shadiness of their deal, which I hope we can get to address in a future collab, hopefully with a Captain Feng.
Grade: 193 + 15 Division Bonus
Nella – Disasters of War
I’ve never pointed this out before, but damn, you’re a good Hollow RP’er. Even though this was just the standard, kind of whatevs for a bounty, you captured the essence of Goya perfectly. You delivered atmosphere, dat Hollow-evilness shtick, as well as the flowing, kind of poetical style of writing in a handful of turns. Not to mention that fight in itself was pretty great. Not as intense as I’d imagine it to be, but still pretty crazy. Now, technically, I didn’t succeed completely in this bounty since Goya’s chariot Hollow survived, so you’re the only one to get the kan prize.
Grade: 235 + 15 Division Bonus
Kan: 225
Hiren – Moral // Unto Oblivion
So few captains, so few options. Lucia made a valid point in the collab in regards to her interviewer, and really the most logical option was either Kyuketsu or Haresuno (Sayis aside). I honestly thought it was a better match up going with Hare seeing as how they both sort of complement each other in the way they carry themselves in each others’ presence. The rejection at the end seemed evident, but a troll’s gotta do what a troll’s gotta do, right? Also, there were a few grammar and layout issues, particularly with spacing and some words missing between sentences. Nothing a quick re-read can’t fix though.
As for Unto Oblivion, to sum my thoughts up: Holy fuckmothering tits.
I always love reading these pre-PM scheming chapters by the baddies, and most almost always never disappoint. This was one of them. You upped the amount of hype and mystery just enough that it didn’t feel forced or cheesy. The execution was solid, and the style was fitting for the scenario. If there’s just one thing that bugged me was the amount of ‘he’ used throughout the chapter. It’s understandable since the guy isn’t given a name yet, but to start three consecutive sentences all in ‘he’ kind of ruined the mood a little bit. That aside though, can’t wait to see more from these two.
Grade: 169 (Taishuu) + 100 (Oblivion) = 269 + 15 Division Bonus
Mewnsuga Tenshou – Meetings & Motives // Uncle Cerb
Refer to Vin’s comments above^ for you guys’ collab. I’m also starting to like how Zakki’s slowly opening up to Alexia after everything that’s happened. He came off as a lot more ‘casual’ compared to his other interactions with most people. Stemming off that, my sentiments are justified in your collab with Katie. Here, unlike his demeanor with Alexia, Zakki is all business. No fucking around, unaffected by Annika’s bubbly and upbeat persona. He seemed completely ice-cold at the start, yet he kinda mellowed out a little bit at the end. Good stuff.
Grade: 92 (Motives) + 56 (Uncle) = 148
