Grading Session for Week 284

[Redfin]

New Rotation:
Group 1 -> Group 2 -> Group 3 -> Group 4 -> Group 5

*Wills sequence, swaswj (9:55:24 PM): Here is your sequence:3 4 5 1 2
I just shifted it*

Group 1 (Will): 1st/5th/7th Divisions
Group 2 (Katie): 2nd/8th/10th Divisions
Group 3 (Rob): 3rd/12th Divisions
Group 4 (Wayne): 4th/9th/11th Divisions
Group 5 (Moony): AHs/Vizards/Quincies​

Grades are due 11:59 PM July 9th

 

[Redfin]

I'll be grading this particular week. If I missed anything, pong me.
I have no writing this particular week.

For now, I've only seen writing from Katie

Katie

Believe - 72 + 50 div

Well, I feel that playing Echo will be challenging, yet rewarding at the same time. There is a lot of history to know in order to play the character well, but you seem to be getting that. The chapter was interesting in dealing with Echo's feelings about her family and what they've done in the past while at the same time, looking for how to move forward. So Fourth, eh?


Some minor mistakes within the chapter itself

She had no idea how to describe the voice; it had not real definable quality.

The not should be no.

Takimoto wasn’t her favorite house in the world, but it didn’t bring the benefits that working for a political rival brought.

I feel but is the wrong conjunction to use here. But usually denotes that what happens afterwards is going to contradict the first part in some way. This feels more like an and, as the second part seems to affirms the first part.

 

[Time Lady Katie]

Seriously? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5? I suppose it was bound to happen.
Rob and Raph: Sorn's got you.

Bish
I honestly find myself without little asides for people this week. Strange.

Você Pode Me Ouvir
My eyes are bleeding! Dat color. Also, your spirit is an ass. Good chapter, though, and I wonder how this will lead to Satoru's development. He has quite a dysfunctional relationship with his sword at the moment. But eye-bleeding colors for half a chapter are inconsiderate to your reader...
59/60

Dys
So, hey. You should write with Kero when I get her back on task. And 50 Division for being clever in She Fell.

Forgive Me
So, this was a pretty cute chapter. Not really much to say about it; Adele's relationships with her family seem pretty warm and fuzzy, and they seem like great NPCs to have around!
62/62

She Fell from her Steed
Honestly, I had this whole thing in mind to say about how 'he fell' was synonymous with 'he died' because of falling in battle and from horses was a pretty solid way to go back in the day, but it seems like a useless aside. So I'll just say instead that Adele was lucky to be so minorly injured, and she had some clever uses of her Mystic talents here. Good work!
71/71

Buxtehude in the Trees
I choose to believe it was Apphia who taught the trees so many violin pieces. Anyway, I missed the Adele and the Trees chapters! Welcome home!
31/31

Sorn
Hey there. How is the most active member of the Eighth who isn't actually IC a member of the Eighth yet?

The Rains of Castamere Tholenswehr
I'm as amused by your religious Quincy as Cad was. And intregued by this chapter. I'll give you the same advice I gave Wayne in a similar cliffhanger: if you drop your reader off where you did, the next chapter's gotta take them for a hell of a ride to match the sense of apprehension and suspense you create. Keep that in mind.
54/54

 

[MoonlitRain014]

Tod

The Raven [57/59]

Well, Toddles, this was pretty good. There were a few minor proofing errors which is why I docked a couple points but otherwise I have no complaints. I like the way you show Tod's caring nature in his response to the ghost of the boy. He could have simply been cruel but instead he clung to the threads of humanity he has left to help. I also like the way you left things hanging before Tod opens the door, I can't wait to find out what's behind it. Also points for the gruesome murders. You can take full div. bonus as you are my only Group 5 writer this week.


For my grader: http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?37819-C-Week-284-Confluences-and-Confusions

 

[Cad]

For group 3, I've only seen a post from Rob. Wayne and anyone else I may have missed, PM me! Ill be posting grades soon.

ROB:
Ukiyo no Ken

76/77

I don't know if it was intentional or not but I got a medieval sense from this setting, rather than feudal or modern era. I think it actually increased my interested in the opening to this adventure, though, do meh if im way off . I'm definitely interested in this book and the next part of this. Please make sure to continue and do not let the next part(s) die!

 

[Sormeki]

And Sorm with the assist for Group 2.

Raph – 68. This was an interesting little collab. It kinda felt like Bleach meets Warehouse 13. But the early Warehouse 13, before the writing got bad and the artifacts got redundant and boring. But before I ramble on about that let’s get back to the grade. Like I said, it was pretty cool, but it almost seemed a little too fast paced to me. One second you are meeting in the Second, then you are at the Third, then you are shunpoing towards a castle. The second I thought you have reached the point you were fast forwarding to, the search, it last a couple turns and then you are sucked away into cliffhanger land.

Also, I was reading some old archive stuff a while back (people get bored sometimes) and your collab reminded me of the old 9^th division in this thread. I wonder if anyone knows the 9^th is sitting a whole bunch of artifacts in its basement...

 

[Wayne]

Vin – So How Was Your Week?
I’m not exactly sure where you’re going with this one. The first-person perspective came out of nowhere, and while there’s not exactly anything wrong with it grammatically, there’s no rhyme or reason for it to be there in the first place. Sure, first-person can work, given it’s presented in the right circumstance like if it’s in a dream sequence or if the chapter is explicitly written in a journal-like fashion. There’s not even any transition at all between FP and third-person, it just kind of went from “I did this, I did that, etc. etc.” to “Alexia waited blah blah” without so much as an explanation why. Really, you should know better than that by now.

Grade: 37


Moon – Confluences and Confusions
As far as I know, I haven’t seen any glaring grammar errors. Everything seemed spiffy and up to standard, and Zakki is as always his lovable self. Plot-wise, it was quite engaging, though not enough meat fed to the read just yet to elicit any really stellar reaction. Nonetheless, nice little chapter you got here.

Grade: 66