Y'all belong to me now.
Hare: + 100 Faction Bonus
324/324 - The Devil and the Details [6480]
Okay so I wrote these comments after Freedom for a Favour and I have to ask: what the fuck is up with Kincaid? Is he an insider in the Conexus? Is he bluffing his way through this? What is actually happening with him because mid-PMs he spontaneously stopped being a rogue on the streets and started being like a dirty cop or whatever. You need to clarify this somehow man, it is really confusing.
That said, I really enjoy the contrast between the Duilius and Kincaid personas you have going on here. The sort of noir-cop drama tones you give with Duilius clash with the tongue-in-cheek haberdashery of Kincaid in a really good way. I really enjoyed the inspection of the crime scene, horrible protocol aside (really Duilius, NO GLOVES AND TOUCHING THE CRIME SCENE?) and the fluid switch to Kincaid had me really impressed.
You rolled with some of the more 'wut' stuff on Resh's part really well, and managed to make yourself the better half of the collab without being domineering. Good stuff man, I hope to see more along with at least some cursory information as to what actually happened with Kincaid being in the Conexus suddenly.
186/186 - Freedom for a Favour [3721]
This was a good number, but it left me with a few questions, not the least of which is: how exactly does this free Deni? Kincaid - although posing as an officer - doesn't really have any authority, and the instant he attempted to exert any I'm pretty sure he'd be found out. The charges of murder against a political and religious icon aren't one you can really sob story your way out of in as fledgling a judicial system as this. I hope there's a follow up on that.
Your actual mechanics are quite strong, and you get a decent back and forth going between both characters. One thing I would say is to not hesitate to shorten up the dialogue, these large chunks can make for some very samey pacing where actual conversations tend to have a choppier flow to them.
Overall I kinda wish this had led somewhere more concrete, but as what appears to be a precursor to Deni's actual release/escape plan, it works.
Resh:
274/324 - The Devil and the Details [6480]
Resh, buddy, let's chat. Today I'm gonna talk about a little thing called 'verisimilitude'. I'm not talking down to you, but in case you're not familiar with that exact terminology of it, it refers to the illusion of truth in writing. Which is to say: verisimilitude is a quality in writing, used to measure how 'real' your writing feels. I'm bringing this up because, in short, your writing lacks verisimilitude.
Let's talk about Naga: he seems to be a psychopathic murderer with little to nary conscience and appears to be motivated solely by a pay cheque and self-declared revolutionary tendencies. At no point does this appear to be justified, explained, or shown beyond casual insults and death threats.
Let's talk about how Naga acts: he's violent, smarmy, condescending, and easily angered. Once again, these are traits that are stretched to their extremes without much of a showing of why he acts the way he does.
I'm not saying these things solely to criticize, but to help you understand that characters are - for all intents and purposes - real people in writing. They have personal experiences, opinions, fears, imaginations, and conflicting motivations. A real person - unless truly psychopathic - doesn't immediately murder without a second thought. Even if that second thought is to consider efficiency or alternative options for the killing, jumping straight into the action is not something a person would actually do.
Let's say that Naga truly is psychopathic, and violently so. The context you present him under is that of a known assassin. If he's known for doing things in such an extravagant and overt manner, would he really be so respected or easily considered? Naga exists in a world that is full of real people, all with their own opinions and thoughts and questions about why an assassin would carry hand grenades.
The mechanics of your writing also need work, but the foundation needs to be there to start ironing out the edges. I want to see more of your writing, because the diversity in the characters of Post Terminus helps drive it forward. But I don't want to see you creating these collaborations and chapters where your character succeeds solely because you bend the world to suit his circumstances. Good characters are built on conflict - either within or without - show us where Naga is as a person, rather than as a flat expression of violence without purpose.
Val:
186/186 - Freedom for a Favour [3721]
As I said with Hare: I really liked this, but found it a bit anticlimactic. For negotiating terms as an alternative to execution, Deni seems awfully composed. Whether that's largely an act or if he's truly that at peace with the concept of being killed, I found it rather jarring. Similarly, the lack of actual seeming solution to Deni's predicament left me somewhat baffled. Attempting to kill the equivalent of an archbishop after allying yourself with a known terrorist group isn't really something you can sob story out of. I would definitely recommend making a follow up to this to expand more.
Your writing mechanics are strong, but you lean a bit too heavily on the 'tell' half of 'show and tell'. Take some time to pull us - as readers - to the surface. Show us Deni's physical posture and physical reactions. Hesitation can be shown physically as much mentally, and taking the time to portray your character as having physical tells to their emotions helps us relate to them.
That said, nothing terribly wrong with this that left me wanting to pull points. I hope to see more of you - and others - building out of Sound of Trumpets. I'm really digging the plot involvement you guys are dedicating yourselves to.
Vin:
**PM BONUS APPLIED** 92/92 - Nobody Shoots the Sheriff [457]
Good to see you writing, Vinny. Hope to see more from you. There's not much to really comment on here, but I do appreciate you dropping your character into the fray. I believe Will already talked to you about the small hiccup that happened, and other than that I only wish you might've taken time to throw in a description for Furi. Remember that people reading this thread won't have a pre-established image of your character in their head. Just something to remember.
Guest Grader: Hiren:
**PM BONUS APPLIED** 304/304 - Cease and Desist [1523]
Gotta say, I really appreciate you taking on this thread. Nisi and his men seem very dedicated to the task, but I was left somewhat wanting for the rank and file to chime in at least once or twice. As it stood, they more or less postured and ate shit like fantasy-Stormtroopers. Try to take a moment to give names or a passing physical trait to each character you're writing, no matter how insignificant. It shows thought and does more to lend a touch of reality to the writing.
Moving beyond that, you kept this going at a fair clip. Nisi's actions were well measured and his strong sense of justice (and seemingly short supply of mercy for criminals) helps distinguish him in the thread. I enjoyed having him call in a demon as backup, and it gave a bit more insight to the character on circumstance alone. Perhaps one other thing I'd point out is that Nisi's words were somewhat disconnected from the rest of the thread. I'm not sure if it's intentional or not, and perhaps it was, but it feels as though he's not really paying attention to what else is going on. That aside, good work and solid writing mechanics from you.
