Group 2 -> Group 4 -> Group 5 -> Group 3 -> Group 1 -> Group 2
Group 1 (Will): 1st/5th/7th Divisions
Group 2 (Katie): 2nd/8th/10th Divisions
Group 3 (Cad): 3rd/12th Divisions
Group 4 (Hiren): 4th/9th/11th Divisions
Group 5 (Sev): AHs/Vizards/Quincies
Grades are due 11:59 PM EDT on Tuesday, September 24th, 2013.
Taking over for Moon this week since I haven't seen'em, and because I ended up posting this week's session.
Without further ado;
Moon:
Pressure's Gonna Drop on You!
Zakki's description of his secretary makes me chuckle. I find it interesting to see people posting these 'interim' chapters that touch on their character's experiences in the tournament.
Anyways, the actual meat of the chapter was pretty good. I actually feel kind of bad for Zakki given how Arano's treated him in the last little while. Ciro and Arano left some big shoes to fill, and I feel Zakki's anxiety with that fact, and his struggle to really be the leader he feels he should be is well-conveyed in this piece. I also like this plot that's unfolding with the Ishikawa Group; it ties in nicely with the upcoming espionage mission ;D. The dynamic between Zakki and Nakazawa makes for an interesting read, too.
Honestly, I think this is a good direction to go in, and one step towards really getting Zakki some recognition as 'the boss'.
Mechanically, I didn't notice any glaring issues. Up to snuff as usual.
Take 70 points for your trouble, as well as 50 Division Bonus because why not.
Herro kinkz! I'll be taking over for Hiren this week because he's busy (we're both busy but I'm probably less busier). PM/VM/IM or probably smack me if I'm missing a piece from this to-read list. Hueeeeerp.
So, reviews are gonna be short because brain... it doesn't cooperate well with labor studies.
Hiren
Private Hell [59/59]
Calculations [61/61]
Godsend Conspirator [60/61]
Okay, so Godsend Conspirator was a fresh read, considering most I've read recently in HD were about, well, shinigami. Lawl~
Anyway, the flow of this collab was good as is with the other. Although they were both short, I'd say it was immediate a spot on. I liked how Caleb was like, coolio spy at the beginning and like 'ohshit' just right when Masato caught him. Characters were well-played and the interaction between them was nice. While there was tension and surprises in Godsend, there was this hate, hate, hate and mooore hate on Private Hell.
There's this coolio factor that I'm like watching a show because the flow went well. (this goes for both collabs).
Also, Hiren, Hideo Ueda. You misspelled his name into Udea several times
I just feel like pointing that out, yeah.
As for calculations, the first was so Lucia. But then, noblewoman hat! While keeping up with her bubbly-ish attitude in the beginning, the captain/noble side of Lucia was definitely well-played in the taishuu. Then again, it is a taishuu, sooo~
Just take your points and 50 db. *nods*
Shun
Ascension [50/50]
Strife through Ages Past [71/71]
An epiphany at mid-fight? Man, that sounds so Bleach-y I'd give you a Tite Kubo cookie if I had one.
Honestly though, it was nice to see some introspection after a Tsubaki fight (then again, only a few seem to do this, lawl~). It was like Ryoujin has been there for a long, long, while and he's just been there. It's also nice to see some move on from you~ I just hope you can continue this soooooon! Overall though, this one read nicely, without actual glaring errors on the piece-- I don't think I really have much to say other than... about fucking time.
The one with Rawb was really nice. While there was this usual shinigami vs quincy banter going on, it didn't, like, explode. The interaction was kinda cute, if I must say, because you were able to play Ryoujin pretty well in here. There's nothing much to comment on, except probably that it makes me wonder what happens when they chance to meet each other when other people from their race are watching. :3
p.s. YOU PINK-HAIRED FUCK.
Wayne
Calculations [35/35]
"“Too many times do we delude ourselves to the simple concept of good against evil, that we are the righteous hand of God sending fair judgment upon those who threaten the balance. We all know that to be horse shit. Sure enough, white knights have their purpose... but so too do cold, callous knaves conspiring from the shadows. If our enemies are cutthroat, then what’s stopping us from returning the favor tenfold?” he continued, carrying an almost thematic exaggeration through the movement of his arms."
Wat. So anyway, spectator posts are spectator posts, but Kyuketsu's appearances in this taishuu just... cracks me up. It's not much, but Kyuketsu doing his usual Kyuketsu ways are there, so yeah.
Shade
Calculations [200/216]
Shade. D: Okay so, I feel like I have to justify why I docked you dem pointz. The thing is, your writing in the taishuu was kinda messy, especially in the beginning (I meant misspelling and various stuff). Commas, commas are good. Not excessive but sometimes they're kinda needed (like on stuff like this: "Poised to strike the man flew headlong towards his opponent appearing ready to live up to his threat."). Nothing a good reread can't fix. *nods* I'm not gonna comment on the fight-side of this collab anymore (primarily because I'm bad at that and I'm sure chat already did this a lot).
But then, successful taishuu is successful! After this, I'd just say Feng is just... shady and ballsy as fuck in this collab. I don't even know what to feel about that bribe xD
Anyway, Congrats on Captaincy~
+100 db
Sev
Private Hell [59/59]
Godsend Conspirator [61/61]
Have you missed? I hope so because I've missed you! *Gives tard strength hug*
Send me links or ill hunt you down tomorrow!
Edit: Easy enough for the week!
ROB
Strife Through Ages Past
77/79
It's nice to see Rosa again - it's been so long! I was actually educated about the Quincy outlook, by how you had Rosa go through the notions of how they see things (as opposed to how shini see things). Very eye opening for me. Fun little bit of action in there - would lead to a good meet up later (and hope to see). Knocked 2 points because punctuation, man! It's going to ruin you one day! RUIN!!!!!!
*runs away screaming in the woods*
Forgotten Hare
Taishuu
40/40
Hare's first question was STRAIGHT UP ignored! *womp womp* But that feeds into the notion of how Hare was starting to feel about Inori, right? You kind of disappeared for a chunk of action but, with many fights (when observing) its not necessary, so no biggie. I really like the conclusion Haresuno came to, as a representative of the Gotei: getting the results was what he felt was most important and it could be said its not a researcher's place to question the morality (though that may be subjective). Full points, my main man!
I screw you guys hardcore when I'm working on panels, huh? Commentary will be light. Contact me for more well-formed opinions. Bish's got the Eighth.
Bish So, I posted your grades from last week. Man this was a rush job.
Dys I like how we're constantly collabing now.
My House I always wanted a massive and horribly cute collab with you. Too bad Will didn't get to grade it, he said he likes fluff. I really enjoyed this collab as I always do with you, but wonder if this is all a bit too good to be true? I would've expected a bit more tension from the siblings perhaps not as much as Adelaide anticipated but it all seemed rather easy to me. Especially because their last benefactor just betrayed them. But that aside, it was wonderful. I'll buy us a collab bonus. 228/230
Gloam Typically, two personal chapters would be posted in the same thread. That said, take 60 Division Bonus, you did a lot this week.
Midnight Meeting First thing's first, you missed some of Nella's formatting when you posted. Italics in her thought. If you're going to format everything yourself, it's important to watch out for things like that. Anyway, there were some punctuation errors from both sides here (missing spaces after periods and the like for you), but I really like this game. Consider learning Yuurei's identity a Division Objective for Ren.
60/61
Darkness Unleashed Bravo for a collab that sounds like a video game title. In the case of where you said "oh, siblings," you should've capitalized Oh. Reason being that in this case a comma wouldn't work where the exclamation point is. Complicated grammar thingy, but one that was worth noting. Also, no need for 'the' when saying Rukongai, it's a name. Learn from The Facebook, and just be Facebook. My comments don't even make sense anymore. But the important thing is, its just Rukongai. 75/80
We Meet Again MY EYES, THEY BLEED! I'm going to assume that cyan color was Resh's fault and spare you the punishment someone richly deserves. Nothing to deduct over, just a cute and kind check-in on someone you saw get hurt. Quality being a person, Ren. 42/42 Beat the Tar out of Hikaru Test Your Might Again you're doing the unnecessary 'the's... but this was mostly fun to go through. Something Ren should be aware of if she wasn't is that the Eighth are almost all sword-fighters. Their abilities are predicated upon using swords. It actually makes sense for Hikaru to be kinda obsessive about it. 115/116
Face to Face This is actually more dysfunctional that Adelaide and Lashiel... nice. I've complimented you on this particular storyline in the past, but I'm interested in seeing how this plot affects other aspects of Ren's life. 88/88
Interview with a Vampire This was just strange. But a good kind of strange. It was a very Ren way of approaching the topic. I only have a couple more minutes, so just let me point out that you applied the colors wrong in at least one place. Keep an eye on that.
90/91
Raph Look at what Unholy did to me this week. Think of that next time you think somethin' like last week will get to me, boyo.
Calculations I'm short on time, so the cliff notes are this: awesome work. I love how the kai was developed, I love how the character was developed, it was all remarkable. I don't think I'm qualified to grade a Practical for what it ought to be like, but I do think I'm qualified to grade writing for what it ought to be, and you did splendid.
185/185
Nella I get to grade Yuu! How appropriate!
Midnight Meeting Dropped some punctuation, Nelly, but the game's a fascinating idea and I really look forward to seeing it play out. Consider discovering Ren's identity a Division Objective for Yuurei. Let's have some fun, shall we? Put some stakes on it? Rewards on the line?
60/61
Alright, I'll only be taking care of the Eighth Division this week. Second and Tenth Divisions will be graded by Katie, as per usual. With that, let's begin!
Spoiler for Priest grades: littlepriests
Another World Beyond
Well now! You're right; I wouldn't have seen this coming from you. Only a newbie and already you're exploring the different factions! Alright, what I think of the chapter:
Your strengths are your narrative, your descriptions, and your attention to detail of Bleach canon. The short story that you've told us here gives us a character that we can sympathize with, and the settings you place him in feel natural due to the ease with which you portray his surroundings. I'd like to give special recognition to the battle scene. I was able to immerse myself in the action without having to think about "is that possible?" or "how does that look?" In a place like Halcyon Days, that can be difficult to pull off. Kudos to you for that.
However, I would ask you to tighten up on your mechanics. Some things just don't make much grammatical sense, such as "Benedict has checked outsideThat is a tense issue, as Benedict conducted the action in the past rather than the present. Other issues include awkward sentence structures. A grand example of this would be "After that, it happened to him to tumble down the flight of stairs of his own house." Instead of "it happened to him to tumble down," you could simply say "He tumbled down". It's much more concise that way. Because it happened so often, I am going to dock a few points for it. I will, however, award you 20 points of Div Bonus for bringing up an interesting little side character to keep an eye on as well as really showing us what you can do as a writer.
Keep it up, man!
Points
Another World Beyond
[ 115 / 120 ]
Div Bonus
[ 20 / 0 ]
Total Points
[ 135 / 120 ]
Spoiler for Michael grades (you know who you are!): Reshin
Infinite Darkness Unleashed
First off, congrats. This is quite the improvement on your earliest work in the rp. I can see that you're starting to get into the swing of things. I must admit that I like the relationship between Reshin and Shuryou. It's as if Reshin is finally finding that companion that he's lacked for decades now and it feels well-deserved. This first interaction with Ren also feels rather simple, but the good kind of simple. Instead of a bunch of melodramatic dialogue or heart-wrenching escapades, the two are simply kindred spirits who silently offer their support to one another.
What I had to knock off points for, however, is your syntax. If you don't know/remember what that means, then think of it as the flow of your sentences. When Reshin speaks, most of the time it's a run-on sentence. For example: You my friend are the incarnation of the darkness that upon receiving you long ago was manifested within my very soul.” A comma or two would really help you out here, as it breaks up the sentence in a way that makes it sound like natural speech. It should read a bit more like, "You, my friend, are the incarnation of the darkness that, upon receiving you long ago, was manifested within my very soul.” All in all, I liked this collab. It sets up the connection between Ren and Reshin as well as the parallel between their relationships with the swords they wield. Good shit.
Lost Memories Recollected Arc
This isn't a half bad story you've whipped up here, Reshin. Though I must say; getting assaulted by a Hollow must be the worst way to find out that you can see spirits! All kidding aside, I like the way you brought this whole thing with Reshin's dreams and memories full circle. It was a nice reveal that it was Shuryou Onikage who was forcing Reshin to remember his past. The one thing I do have an issue with is how fast Reshin got into the Academy. Most souls don't discover that they have spiritual power until at least a couple years, and you can't enroll at the Academy until you demonstrate your potential (accidentally or otherwise). It would have been nice to see when it was discovered that Reshin had the potential to become a shinigami. Because of that lack of explanation combined with general syntax/proofreading errors, I am taking points off.
We Meet Again
Again, I like the dynamic between Ren and Reshin. They have an easy sort of companionship to not only contrast Hikaru's bombastic style of bonding but to give Reshin that comfort that he really seems to need. I don't have much to say here because the collab itself was really short, but it served its purpose of giving Reshin some food for thought about bonding with people.
All in all, I like your work this week! It developed Reshin in a way that I wasn't expecting as well as marking the advent of a new Shikai user! Congrats on making it to what amounts to the big leagues! I recommend you go on a Hollow hunt or train with someone to break in that new soul slayer of yours! I'm giving you 20 Division Bonus in recognition of your progression both in-game and out-of-game. Congrats again on making it this far!
Points
Infinite Darkness Unleashed
[ 75 / 80 ]
Lost Memories Recollected Arc
[ 160 / 167 ]
We Meet Again
[ 43 / 43 ]
Division Bonus
[ 20 / 0 ]
Total Points
[ 298 / 290 ]
Spoiler for Mini-minja grades: Minjablade100
Intimidated
This was an unusually short piece, but I find it kind of interesting. It's nice to see that Hikaru, despite his brash and reckless exterior, does have some semblance of respect/fear for his superiors. It makes for a character that can go through some rather harsh struggles but still eventually overcome them. Hikaru has a lot of potential for growth, and I appreciate seeing this little scenario where we get to see him struggle against his fear of Adele. Also, you fixed a lot of your grammatical issues! Full points.
Architecture and Little Girls
The reason I docked you so heavily for this piece is the glaring grammatical errors. This is certainly not the first time I've chided you about this, and that's what you're getting so many points docked. Sure, I can understand the narrative through all of the craziness, but reading should never make me feel like I'm performing a duty instead of listening to a story.
Test Your Might
Your fight with gloam was well done. I'm not going to dock you as heavily as I did for Architecture, but that's only because the grammar was not nearly as bad. I think you have the potential to be a great writer someday, but you just need to break out of these bad grammatical habits. If you want further explanation, let me know.
Points
Intimidated
[ 15 / 15 ]
Architecture and Little Girls
[ 87 / 107 ]
Test Your Might
[ 110 / 117 ]
Division Bonus
[ 0 / 0 ]
Total Points
[ 212 / 239 ]
Right now, I just have the points awarded to all of you. Commentary will continually come as the night goes on; currently littlepriests is the only one who has comments.
Edit: Reshin now has commentary. Minja, yours is done.
God do I want to punch Matsurine. Not Hare. Me. Guy is the king of dickassery. Can’t wait to see what he does next to piss off the Gotei. But it was nice to see Sayis out maneuvered. It’s a change of pace. Hardly anything throws that guy for a loop, and having characters like Matsurine around is good. It stops Sayis from looking like the All-Father of Seireitei.
Kat: Taishuu - 69/69 House - 220/230 Chaps - 165/165
I find it moderately hilarious that Adelaide, who has been constantly feeling like she doesn’t deserve captaincy and has no right to judge others, got offended at Feng’s attempt in bribing Inori.
That’s not meant to sound sarcastic, either (if it even does). If anything I liked that a little, in that it demonstrated Adelaide’s view of what captaincy meant to her. Though it also says something of her ideology and makes me curious how she’s going to validate someone who ever goes for captaincy in the Second Division whose main job is ... well underhandedness.
I’d ding you for minor errors spersed throughout your turns, but it barely takes away from the content, so for the taishuu you get full points. _
The collab... was... nice? To be perfectly honest, I don’t do fluff collabs. Certainly not 9k fluff collabs, so I’m probably more critical on this than I am on the rest of your stuff. Don’t get me wrong I do fluff and it’s some of the cheesiest writing I do. It’s sappy. It’s targeted at being heartwarming and cute or quaint, and that’s the point.
Some parts of this collab are just that. They’re cute and funny, and they give off moments that are absolutely believable and adorable. But overall I’m hard pressed to enjoy it for those aspects. Mainly because the overall thing irritated me more than it made me go “d’awww”.
There isn’t really anything I can give you feedback on, because you weren’t the problem in the collab (in my eyes). But that 9k fluff is not worth full points.
Fluff is good. Good fluff is great. But fluff in large volumes makes readers sick. Moderation is the key with fluff. Both in content and cast. Something to keep in mind if you and Dys decide to write more fluff collabs. _
Chaps were nice, short, and to the point. Pretty much moved plot along quickly for the start of some things. Full points.
Also, just as a note because I’m not sure if you’re really aware or not - House Yin has all the political wielding power of a toothpick. For more reasons than one. Specifically, it’s a house of one or two people supported by a larger more powerful house - House Fu.
