Grading Session for Week 296

[MoonlitRain014]

Group 2 -> Group 4 -> Group 5 -> Group 3 -> Group 1 -> Group 2

Group 1 (Will): 1st/5th/7th Divisions
Group 2 (Katie): 2nd/8th/10th Divisions
Group 3 (Cad): 3rd/12th Divisions
Group 4 (Hiren): 4th/9th/11th Divisions
Group 5 (Mwn): AHs/Vizards/Quincies
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Grades are due 11:59 PM EDT on Tuesday, Oct. 1^st, 2013.​

 

[Shadowwind]

C-ch-changes

Shades is grading for the group this week so yea grades should be up shortly.

As for my stuff:

http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?38199-O-9th-Week-296-Business-Trip

 

[Cad]

Send me your links please!


ROB:
NOW YOU BLAH BLAH
67/67

Fun collab. You mention that she was having fun adjusting to her body but does she have any idea that shes adjusting to a body? Is Kaede aware that she isn't normally hosted by the human form? Regardless, it seems like you get to express a bit of your preferred 'stream of consciousness'/off-the-hip dialogue and internal monologue with Human Kaede in ways that you cant with Rosa, Nana, Shini Kaede, and so on. Keep a rocking!


BEAKS
SOMETHINGSOMETHINGTAISHUU?
A BILLION/15...or just 15

I see you didnt get graded for this *WOMP WOMP* but I admire that you want some real, intuitive thought from a grader - Someone who is willing to hold no bars and lend a real critique to help you improve on your writing style. So grab some popcorn, cut a hole in the bottom of the bucket and reach in for a hand-full. Touche' on the thumb-in-butt comment. *snaps fingers* WICKED BURN!


WILL
128/128

Fun fact: Based on Sayis's reiatsu, alone, you've racked up a little over (at least) 2.2 million words with HD. Did the math at work, talking about the RP to a friend.

Anywho, it's a damn shame this only just got started. I'm not sure why this expired but it was going in a good direction. What gift to you give the man who has everything? Hard to say...but what kind of challenge do you throw at the man that can write a battle with one hand tied behind his back? Three at once! I appreciate how much experience you have here, yet you allow the story to unfold in a direction that your characters do not have complete control. Sayis being cut, Rin taking a hit, et cetera, are good beginnings to a fight that will draw in the reader(s).

The confidence and finality of Sayis's last question did leave us with a good indication of the outcome...

For my grader:http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?38213-12th-Week-296-Fracture-III-IV

 

[Shadowwind]

Nella: I find it really hilarious that if I didn’t know any better I’d assume Yuu was the assassin the way Eijii was bumbling around. All and all not a bad collab, portions of the transitions seemed a little wooden, as though each of you wasn’t quite sure how to keep the flow. While a little meh, nothing all that imperative to be fixed. Just something to be aware of: 68/71 + 50 Div Bonus

Cur: I always really enjoy what parts of your writing that I manage to catch Cur, and this week is no different. Solid, well written chapter over all. However, there were a few sentences that seemed to drag (even with commas) where they could have easily been broken into two or more sentences and served the same purposes. That small gripe aside I liked the work over all thus: 90/90 + 100 Div Bonus

Moony: Really well written chapters. They were on the brief side in terms of individual wordcount, but ultimately I think you hit a sweet spot with pacing. They provided enough information to keep going without being a boring heap of background info that served no purpose. Grammar-wise i saw nothing to warrant any point deductions and thus: 86/86

 

[Time Lady Katie]

Dys
Enjoying our tournament fight a lot!

Flower Girl
I hope she was somewhere on this side of Eighty-five, 'cause the districts only go up to Eighty. After that is just more District Eighty, for eternity, I suppose. It was good to see some redeeming qualities of the old bastard from Adele's backstory; there was a reason she was loyal and this reason made sense. Good work.
77/80

Visiting Tears
I'm sensing an awkward pattern in your collabs of Reshin being useless, freaking out and hurting himself, and Adele coming back serendipitous to save his dumb ass. And Cresh thought he could shoulder some of her burden? Pretty dense for a zan spirit.
145/145

Gloam
Hey, 'sup? We need to have our three-lady collab. Soon. You and Dys wanna figure out when?

Sibling Bonding
The plural of family is families and not family's, on top of that there were some other proofreading things like missing spaces and so on, but it barely took away from reading. So, Nevada's family is dead: mother, father and Ren? What? I'm really curious as to if this is on the level and goes into Ren's backstory or if Nevada is as suspicious as she seemed at first. Other thought: try to work more on developing Nevada's wants and desires in life. She feels like her purpose is to be Ren's sister, which might work for an NPC but isn't a high enough aim for a secondary PC.
111/115

Mango
I've given you the ultimate Mango Bonus. But I'm sure everyone's as glad to see some writing as I was to be part of it.

How You Linger
I really think you did a great job with Evie, and telling her story since the last time we saw her without bringing down the flow of the writing, whch is a challenge and a half. You made Addie sound a little harsher than I intended her to be, but it didn't seem out of character so I just went along with 'yes, and'. Who am I kidding, I like all this. You seriously should consider making Evie a secondary PC so all these grades I'm giving you don't go to waste!
163/163

Resh
I'm working with Kago to get him active again for you guys, BTW.

Visiting Tears
Once again, you said 'eleventh' when I'm pretty sure you meant 'eighth'. I've never seen someone misidentify their own division, let alone do it twice. Other than that, not a lot to note. Looks like Reshin has a lot of growing up to do before he can be any help to Adele.
140/145

Priest
Can you PM me a link to our collab? For some reason it isn't showing up in my Drive. On another note, take 75 Division Bonus this week!

Waking Up Routine and other stories
I don't think for that list of charges Ole would be held before some sort of private tribunal, instead he probably would've been hauled in before the Central Forty-six and gotten a few centuries in the Seventh Division. The court system of Soul Society really is primarily the Forty-six, and whatever lesser things individual nobles or divisions enact within their jurisdiction. But for serious charges, like major and willful destruction of Gotei property, you bet the Forty-six would hear the case. Especially with interference in noble affairs as a kicker. So, this kinda looms as a logistical cloud over your chapters here that detracts from otherwise really good storytelling. Nice use of Ghostbusters reference. Oh, and you don't need to capitalize 'Reiatsu' unless it's part of a proper noun.
400/419

Raph
I'll get you after dinner. Look, 50 Division for waiting. Good boy.

VERSUS LUCIA FREY, FIGHT!
Grudge match didn't go to well for you, mostly because no equalizer, but still. I don't really understand why Kiro is as angry as he is at Lucia, I must've missed something while I was away. I think I'd have found this more powerful if I hadn't missed where it was drawn from, but as is it was still a remarkably nice read, and a good lesson to learn about grudge matches: anger isn't a substitute for power.
178/178

VERSUS ROLAND JACQUEZ, FIGHT!
Cryptic-off COMMENCE! I like how Arano is having a guest spot in a Liam Niesson movie. And I do mean guest spot, this fight was so anticlimactic it hurt. Not your fault, though, so have the points.
48/48

Third Law of Motion
Shounen school anime is a GO! Go go go, random spinoff! Nothing to hit you for.
58/58

Shady
Hey, look, I'm grading you. Let's hope you don't accuse me of bias.

Business Meeting
He, he, Feng, he, Feng, he, he. I notice you fix this problem after a couple turns, but it's what I noticed most in your first turn - really unimaginative pronouns. Eventually you got to 'the captain' and 'the bandaged man', but quality is in part consistence of quality. At your level of experience a lapse like that does really stand out. On top of that some of your turns feel a little light, in comparison, but not too terribly so.
120/121



For my grader:

How You Linger​

 

[MoonlitRain014]

As far as I can tell, I didn't miss anyone but kick me in the slats if I did. Tod and Twm can split div. bonus.

Sev

Business Trip [121/121]

I was trying to be less of an easy grader but damn, I can't dock you for anything. The flow was great, the characterizations of Ueda and Masato kept them distinct and preserved their personalities and you played off of Shady well. I also like the fact that despite the Hollow interruption happening, it worked well. It could have been a lot rougher than it was but it worked out. This is why, even though your writing is rare-ish, when it happens I enjoy it a great deal! Good stuff, Sev.


Twm

Now He Sees It, Now She Doesn't [61/66]

What we have here is a standard introductory chapter. It is the usual good stuff from you, Twm. Ewan is always in character and his is a character I really enjoy. I suppose this did suffer a bit from being the usual fare but I won't downgrade you too much on that fact. I also think you and Rawb flowed turns well together. I suppose the fighting was a bit cut and dried which I also deducted a bit for. Otherwise good job.


Tod

Scalping Party [149/155]

We'll do good stuff first. I really like the interaction between characters in your writing. Everyone's fairly distinct and Tod isn't too similar to the NPCs you were using either. You have learned well, young grasshopper. There was also some fun times with Tod manifesting Gray Man because it just entertains me no end.

There were two major issues that I graded you down on. The first was that the combat writing seemed too stilted and clunky with action being held up by description in the wrong places and not enough in others. The second was that generally the flow wasn't great in the rest of the writing. It just felt a bit rushed at the end and too slow in bits in the middle.


CAD


Fracture III-IV [50/50]


Well this is pretty short and certainly mechanically it hasn't got anything wrong with it. In fact generally it doesn't have anything wrong with it and this is advancing Iggy's plot quite nicely from what I can tell. I think I'm going to write longer comments later while I sort of digest the whole thing.

 

[swaswj]

Short grades tonight. Had an extra long day at work.

Drag - 123/126

Welcome back, man.

I... don't know what to think about this chapter. The Seventh isn't that type of prison. It's... enforced criminal service. Meaning that the whole point of you being in the Seventh, and not in the actual prison, is because they determined that you could be pressed into service hunting hollows and taking on dangerous tasks. That said, I did like the expression and elation when he saw the light of day.

With the collab, the note about it being super-old would have been better at the beginning than the start. I had comments prepared about how Yuurei didn't have Chomei anymore and wondering if you legacy'd those techs, and... moving on. The interplay between the chars was actually enjoyable, although I felt like you seemed to handle most of the action while Nell did most of the description. Overall a good job.

Cold Cell (1105) 55/55
Hounds of Hell (2826) 68/71
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Katie - 163/163

Kind of a long day to read something full of fluff and emotions and drama. I feel like it was actually played realistically, though, with Evie showing the right amount of bitterness but lingering desire, with Addie showing the right amount of denial and emotion. The way that Adelaide seemed to project her insecurities onto Brooke, and the way she justified the end of the relationship by deciding that Brooke never really loved her, came across as both very sad and very real. I like that Evie didn't just leap into her arms but had her own reticence. Cheating is something that doesn't sit well with me, even in a fictional setting, but I am glad that you both seemed to give it real meaning and purpose beyond just abandoning a relationship that wasn't working OOG.

How You Linger (6500) 163/163
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