GROUP TWO GRADING
Please notify me of missing writing.
Rob:
84/88 - Sometimes Bad Luck Just... [3500]
Kaede's a pretty interesting character to witness, but I think you have some trouble winding up to her pace. You open with a very long aside in an overarching narrative, but then immediately and abruptly switch into a more personal, third-person limited perspective.
This jars the tone a little, which shakes your start. Thankfully, you get past it quickly and really dig into the interactions. The play between Kaede and Masato is awesome, and her antagonistic ways quickly deteriorating his cool gunslinger facade was priceless.
A couple smaller things: jack shit is two words, either separated by a hyphen or just as separate words. You also have a couple of weird paragraph breaks after dialogue around the half-way mark. Your dialogue was as stellar as always, but you seemed to use quite a few introspection asides where they didn't really seem necessary or appropriate. Try to space those out when the meat of the collab starts to hit, it can really tank the pacing otherwise.
52/52 - Round Four: Tsubaki vs Sayis Inuzuri [1035]
You came, you saw, the end. There's not really much to say, you portrayed Nana's ambition coupled with a sort of underlying bitterness well, and it helped enhance the intensity of the battle. Well done, full points.
Beaks:
183/185 - Round Four: Tsubaki vs Sayis Inuzuri [3697]
We're billing you for the Agoge. With that settled, holy shit this fight. You both came out strong with good introspection followed by a healthy, well-paced dialogue. I would've liked to have seen a better picture of Tsubaki, try and use dialogue to add small bits of her appearance parsed together with the passing actions (which you nailed, by the way). Taking a sentence or two to mention one thing at a time, per turn, can really help conveyance.
Alas, but I know what you want feedback on. The action was intense, exciting, but suffered from a rocky start brought on by breakdown in communications. You quickly picked that shit up, which is great, but this does go to show that the best fights are ones where both fighters are on the same page.
There are a couple instances about the sixth round onward where you have some weird paragraph breaks where there shouldn't be, but nothing that detracted from the quality. Your fight writing is experienced and stellar, but the tension and tone is diminished somewhat by humorous asides about how fire totally hurts guys, it's rough.
Again, nothing to take points off for, but I would recommend deciding what tone you want a fight to have, and dedicating yourself to maintaining that atmosphere. All in all, good fight, keep an eye on where you want a fight to go, and communication is key. Take the points and the win, you've earned them.
15/15 - !!PREVIOUS WEEK!! Round Four: Nenshou Mouko vs Adelaide Pierce [303]
Spectating turns are spectating.
Cur:
50/59 - The Breaking Board [1174]
You need to learn you some comma usage, bro. You've got a lot of run-on sentences early, and the problem never really stops throughout. The pacing feels rushed, and transitions are abrupt, without warranted change.
Long story short: there are some things you need to fix.
Pacing is your big issue. When you write, think about how long it would take for something to actually happen. Think about how much you should dedicate to a particular action, or description, depending on what's going on in the content of your writing.
When you transition from before the wards are placed to after the wards are placed, it's sudden and not very well warranted. Work on making it clear when something is about to end, and another is about to begin. I can't cover everything I would like to this week, so for now I'd just like you to think about the two things I've mentioned: comma usage and pacing. Commas are meant to add pauses, denoting a change or extension of a statement about a subject.
Guest Grader: Will:
180/181 - Round Four: Tsubaki vs Sayis Inuzuri [3628]
So, a lot of my above comments apply regarding the communication and pacing of the fight, but you've pretty much gotten fighting down to a science.
I would recommend that you start with a little more well-spaced paragraphs. Opening with blocks of text can dissuade a reader, which can lead to missing crucial details. A paragraph break after your first two sentences would've done the job beautifully, and been warranted because you would be entering a new subject anyways. You also have a couple of run-on sentences in the first turn with your description, suffering from a bit of 'this and this and that and this' syndrome.
It always amazes me to see how firm and consistent Sayis is with his theming and imagery, which is really deserving of praise. A lot of the times, characters can become muddled from their experiences as writers introduce new themes to complicate their characters, and deepen them. Sayis has remained remarkably simple, yet you never hesitate to react to and explore other themes in passing.
As for the action itself, there's not much to comment on that hasn't already been said. You're concise, well-paced, you lend weight to the actions of both Sayis and Tsubaki, everything's coming up Milhouse really.
125/125 - Round Four: Rina vs Maruyama Ilsa [2500]
I will never not love fights you do, and I will never not love fights Lin does. Really, this is a win-win for me. The experience you two have in writing with each other shows fabulously in the pacing, and Rina manages to be very distinct and genuine even compared to Kyuto, the closest analogue to her that you write.
You portray Quincy abilities well, utilizing them to misdirect and maintain that 'rhythm' you say Quincy are all about. Again, the action here is stellar, and I can't really comment on much more for how little the two character's have interacted, and how little of Rina we've seen thus far.
70/70 - Round Four: Toride Satoru vs Kyuto Tounyuu (Rematch) [1395]
Sometimes I think you layer Kyuto's goofiness a little too thick. Maybe it's that I don't expect her to be so perpetually blasé about things, but since she had the high ground on her own self-confidence, I can give her a pass here.
Kyuto's action sequences are always a treat, and you pull things off in spades. I do think that the drama surrounding the last turn could've been avoided with a bit more description on her new wardrobe in Shikai. Not much else to say here I haven't already, but I do wonder what it takes for Kyuto to drop the bubbly attitude and get serious.
