Grading Session for Week 321

[bankzu]

Group 2 -> Group 3 -> Group 5 -> Group 4 -> Group 1 -> Group 2

Group 1 (Berri): 1st/5th/9th Divisions
Group 2 (Raph): 2nd/3rd/6th/11th Divisions
Group 3 (Drag): 7th/10th/12th Divisions
Group 4 (Hiren): 4th/8th/13th Divisions
Group 5 (Moon): AHs/Vizards/Quincies



Grades are due by 11:59 PM EST on Tuesday, 25 March 2014
​

 

[bankzu]

Moon

Private Eye I [76/76]

It’s always fun to see someone write in a style you haven’t seen before. First time seeing you write in first person and I have to say that I am impressed. I have not read a lot of pieces in first person writing but this was definitely one of my favorites. The words flow really well and you get a really good picture of Nakazawa. One thing I both hate and love are stories that end without finishing. I hate it because I want to read more and yet I love it because I know there will be more. Great job here Mwn.

Take a 100 division bonus!

Please tell me if I missed anything!

My piece for the week:
http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?38866-4th-12th-Week-321-Trust

 

[Nargles]

LIFE HAS BEEN... HAHAHAHANO... THIS PAST WEEKEND. Grades are short, I'll hopefully be back into the swing of things soon.

Big Time [64/68] -
So, you never wrote who did each part (though I have my hunches) ... so I don't know which NPC is which... I probably read them before that my brain isn't working right now. Anyway, since I can't go into detail for each of you, I'll instead comment on the collab as a whole. Random note, but I don't think AHs actually call each other advent humans. They have their own jargon and the phrase advent human is more of an OOG.

Actually, most of my problems with this lies solely in the vocabulary. Terms like reiatsu and shinigami and captains aren't familiar to all except those in the higher echelons of Orpheus and Cerberus. Most members would have little to no knowledge on the structure of the Gotei and the rankings within. They'd know about the fact that there are a few 'strong ones' but knowing exact captains and non-captains would be odd. Also, they have their own terms for vocabulary, since even the word 'reiatsu' is a foreign one to most low level NPCs.

Outside of that, this collab seemed kind of bare. Kind of wished the orph recruitment had a bit more pizzazz since the simple 'here's some info and join up' doesn't really have much flare. There's a bunch of ways to go creative on recruitment so I think there was potential that was untapped.

Nella
Trust [53/53]

Quick and overall really good collab between you and Drag. I really like the Yuurei/Eiji ship...err... I mean... dynamic. It was a slightly bittersweet, and really personal collab between the two of them so that was a great read. That being said, I'm really looking forward to reading how Yuurei ends up leaving the Tenth. You put some nice foreshadowing into this, so I'm looking forward to the conclusion of the swap.

 

[OssumBunz]

Rob- 52/52
“So It Does”

Overall this chapter reads very well, I only had a few issues with it. They aren’t anything too big mind you, and a few might just be me. A big problem I had personally was I had no way of knowing what the setting was. Was it in a street, was it in a room...were they standing? Perhaps I missed something in the chapter, or maybe I should have read your other noble chapters.
Another thing I wasn’t too sure of was the capitalization of lady in this chapter, or the lack of capitalization. I looked it up however, and “Lady” in the title “Lady Yoshihige” should be capitalized.

“Be grateful that I’ve left my past behind me, so don’t try to open old wounds that need not be reopened.” The “so” feels odd and out of place here to me, again I’m not 100% confident that its wrong, thats just how it feels to me. Since I couldn’t be sure of quite a few things, I’m gonna give full points. (Also it can be like a “my first time grading” gift for you and the others I grade)


Raph!- 110/110
“A Good Traveler” packs lightly

Dude, Tougen is probably my favorite character out of all of yours. He’s such an enigma and so unique as well. I said it in chat, but I really liked what you did with the guitar there. I love how the plucking of the strings corresponds with his emotions and inner turmoil, I’m not sure where you got that idea, but it’s great.

I don’t really have anything to point out to you, you’re very good about proofreading your work which makes grading very easy. As stated in Rob’s note, full points to celebrate all this first time grading goodness. When I do this again I’ll be a bit more srsface.

Thananananana-200/200
“Crashing Thunder”
Don’t worry, I remembered how to grade PMs (with some help). Uh so, you know what Colin actually got shit done, good job! He succeeded where we could not...mostly due to being skewered...aaaaaahhhh gottaturningradestaketheandpointsgo!

Drag-53! go!

 

[MoonlitRain014]

Val


A Good Traveler [109 /111]


This is a more thoughtful Shukumei than I am used to seeing but it works well. Tougen is the sort of character who brings out other sides to characters and so this worked well. You and Raph had it flowing well there. I quite enjoyed it and I also really like the dance of information between the two of them. Again things are moving forward and the plot is advanced. My dropping of two points was purely a matter of some missed errors.

 

[Inks]

GROUP

ONE

GRADING

STARTS

NOW!

Try to look on the bright side, at least they’re not late this time!

Probably!

Maybe!

Unless I forgot you!

*overenthusiastic thumbs up*
​

---

h-h-h-h-h-horizontal line break

- Wirru -
[324 / 328]
+75 Div Bonus

​

Operation Crashing Thunder [3,270]
[162 / 164]
[324 / 328] [PM]

/softly whispers i don’t understand what is going on

Lemme just say, as a preface, that your writing is basically always awesome to read; it doesn’t even matter who or what you’re writing. You just...

You make it interesting. Your descriptions are perfect -- not too heavy, not too sparse -- your characters are unique, recognizable, and very frickin’ snazzy...and man DAMN do you paint a good scene. I wish I could use words as efficiently as you do, is all I am saying.

/thumbs up

THAT OUT OF THE WAY -- Ahaha, I already was pretty sure I knew who you were writing from your first post (er...your...first post besides the one with ambient buildings; THOUGH DON’T GET ME WRONG, YOU PLAYED THE AMBIENT BUILDINGS SPLENDIDLY AS WELL), but as I went on, I was all “AWHAWW YES I DEFINITELY recognize this Russian!! I definitely recognize this weird pipe/bar-folded-box thing -- although I never saw it in action because March got handled in that collab!!”

HISASHIBURI, KAZIMIR-CHAN.

This guy is so cool I can not even

“With the sheer volume of blood dripping down the walls around him, it was a miracle he was still standing at all. Even from outside the darkened entryway, the splashes of crimson were vivid, the smell of blood cloying.”

There is just. Something. About that bit. And pretty much all your descriptions about blood doing blood things throughout the fight.

/i WOULD like the descriptions of blood; FILING IT UNDER ‘things i should comment on to the therapist i don’t have’

The Russian’s eyes flicked up toward Tatiana, flat and uninterested

YES. Yes x 1000. I have a special place in mah heart for certain eye descriptions -- flat being one of them.

Fight-wise, I got nothing. Your ability to write fighting and sequence of events and movement leaves mine all kinds of in the dust, so...YEAH. PLOT-wise, I really had no idea what was going on in this thread, as per usual. Well. Aside from a lot of people entering a building, starting a fight with Kazi-chan, and Kazimir handily wrecking a lot of people.

The only thing I ever notice in your writing mechanics that’s negative, these days, is the occasional repetition of a word when I’m not sure if it’s intentional (for stylistic effect) or accidental (you used it once, and since the word was already in your head you ended up using it again soon after). I think there were....3 or 4 instances of it in this collab? Words like ‘blasted’ or ‘twisted’ or ‘around them’ (yes that is one word) stand out a lot more when you use them in one sentence...and also in the sentence right after.

IF it’s for stylistic effect, I guess sometimes it just doesn’t roll for me (pretend that makes sense); if not, proofreading to make sure there’s no awkward word redundancy might be good?

---

horizontal line brackets, more like

- Bunz-
[190 /196]
+25 Div Bonus
​

Operation Crashing Thunder [1,955]
[95 / 98]
[190 /196] [PM]

Boy howdy! I want to say this is the first thing I’ve read/first time I’ve graded Toki. But then, my memory is a wavering, fragile thing. If it’s not...woops! MAH BAD.

But as an introduction, it’s not bad! Seeing characters in super-tense, dramatic, possibly-fatal situations is always a great way to get a look into their psyche. What I gathered from Toki is vizard-chan, can be a bit over-eager on tossing on her mask and leaping into the fray (but is trying to rein it in!)...

And that she gets horribly stabbed in the stomach. 1 out of 1 times I have seen her, she has been stabbed. That is 100% of the time!

At least she gets an E for Effort -- getting impaled and managing to get back in the game before the end of the fight is a plus in my books (having healz helps). Honestly, she reminded me a bit of Mitsu in battle -- mostly caught up in her own wild-ass thoughts, to the point of inaction (though Mitsu gets other people impaled, not himself, so he wins in that regard!). I feel bad for her though...Kazimir kinda wrecked her poor day.

"Great, of all the obstacles possible we get the giant Russian." The horned Vizard muttered under her breath as her blue eyes locked onto the towering man that stood within the entryway of the round communications tower.

THIS MADE ME LAUGH THOUGH.

MOVING ONNNN

Mechanics-wise, I... OKAY, I will look like I am ranting forever but I swear I DO IT OUT OF LOVE. I just noticed two recurring errors in your turns in the collab, and HOPEFULLY by pointing them out here, we can take steps to get rid of them in future...shenanigans!


1. Commas where starting a new sentence would be more natural!

Long ago, she had joined the Ninth to find a group like this, it actually felt kind of nice to have it back again; no matter how temporary the situation.

“Long ago, she had joined the Ninth to find a group like this. It actually felt kind of nice to have it back again, no matter how temporary the situation” flows better in this situation. Maybe. I think. /shifty eyes

She was even more hesitant to call upon her mask, such a move performed too soon could be even worse then reaching for her wakizashi.

“She was even more hesitant to call upon her mask. Such a move performed too soon could be even worse than reaching for her wakizashi.”

Also “than” not “then” in this sentence. THAN = comparison. THEN = A FEW THINGS...like ‘at that point in time’ / ‘next’ or ‘afterward’ / ‘also’ / ‘in that case’ or ‘therefore’ / ...etc?

With both hands, she lightly attempted to pull the stab open again, it held together.

“With both hands, she lightly attempted to pull the stab open again. It held together." Fer this type of thing, it's kind of....hit and miss. I want to say that, on average, if you can read something after a comma and it could work well as a sentence on it's own, it should either:

A. have a conjunction (and, but, or, however, yet, etc, etc), or

B. BE its own sentence

That isn't ALWAYS the case -- sometimes for matters of style. But as a general rule, it might help prevent awkward/run-on sentences?

2. Wrong form of it’s/its!

“It's mouth was drawn up”

= “Its mouth was drawn up”

“something else inside with it's own dark tendencies”

= “something else inside with its own dark tendencies”

“Sanity still had it's hold on the young looking Vizard”

= “Sanity still had its hold on the young-looking vizard”

Remember! If you use an apostrophe (it’s), space the word out into “it is” in your head. If that doesn’t work in the sentence, you’re prooobably using the wrong form. It’s = a contraction of “it is”, and “its” = the possessive form of “it”

There were a few other minor mechanical errors (the stray missing word, or a word only half-typed out, etc) but they weren’t recurring.

A bit of additional proofreading could probably help with these basic mechanical wonks. IF NOT, FEEL FREE TO PUNCH ME IN THE NOSE WITH AN IM, and I will do my best to help.

Alternatively, ignore my incredibly-long-winded ranting.

Actually that might be for the best.

THERE IS A REASON I HESITATE TO GRADE REGULARLY.

---

I am the break of my line. Lines are my body and breaks are my blood. I have created over a thousand lines. Unknown to Death, Nor known to Life. Have withstood grades to create many horizontal lines. Yet, these words will never make sense. So as I pray, horizontal line breaks.

---

AS PER USUAL, if I missed something, got something wrong, or horribly offended someone with my grades, all comments and complaints go through my agent.

They'll contact you. Please do not contact me. (i am kidding you can contact me i am super social as a human being and a productive and healthy member of society /heavy breathing)


-INK