Group 2 -> Group 3 -> Group 5 -> Group 4 -> Group 1 -> Group 2
Group 1 (Berri): 1st/5th/9th Divisions
Group 2 (Raph): 2nd/3rd/6th/11th Divisions
Group 3 (Drag): 7th/10th/12th Divisions
Group 4 (Hiren): 4th/8th/13th Divisions
Group 5 (Moon): AHs/Vizards/Quincies
Alright, Rob, I have good things to say about this chapter. I really liked the way you covered so much about Nana by simply having her go to bed and think. The fact that you created such a chill chapter was somewhat inspirational to me lol.
I just want to point out one thing! Then I’ll let you take your points and dump them into Nana’s huge reiatsu pile.
“ Still, it was after things like these, conversations like the one she’d had with Yuu, that she began to wonder once more if maybe, someday, there was a cure to the madness still raging on in her mind.”
In my opinion it should be:
“Still, it was after things like these, conversations like the one she’d had with Yuu, that she began to wonder once more if maybe, someday, there would be a cure for the madness still raging on in her mind.”
Val A Chance Meeting [60/63] I love Shuku and I love Hotate so this was really just great. I suppose that I felt like this was more pure exposition as opposed to anything else but it was still entertaining to read. I learned some things that I didn't know really and it has kinda opened up the Vizard plot more. I enjoyed it!
Zen The Way Back [52/57] I guess before I start being Mr. Picky, I should tell you the things I liked about this chapter. For one, I really enjoy the idea of Aragon having to first disappear and then rebuild his life completely. I find that this kind of storyline gives you a lot of scope for character development. I also like the way you filled in some of his character and his emotions about the situation he has found himself in by discussing his attempts to write books and investigate cold cases.
Now I get to be a pain in the ass and tell you what bothered me. First of all, there is some odd comma usage here. For example, "The truth was that even though he didn’t want to leave Orpheus, Aragon knew that in his condition, between the serum and the attack he used, he was a liability." It just seems to me that it would be more streamlined if you said, "The truth was that even though he didn't want to leave Orpheus, Aragon knew that in his condition between the serum and the attack he used, he was a liability." That one extra comma after "condition" wasn't really necessary.
Another odd one was, "Back then, Aragon could have never guessed, at the time, that in just a few short years, his soul power would resurface." The first issue is that "Back then" makes this sentence clunky because you go on to say "at the time." To me, it would flow better like, "Aragon could never have guessed, at the time, that in just a few short years, his soul power would resurface."
There were a bunch of minor proofreading errors like misspelling shepherd and capitalizing it when it should simply be German shepherd. There were a few subject-verb disagreements like, "Two things he always made sure his men knew was..." which should be "were" because things is plural. There were also simple mistakes like "grilled meat and vegetable" instead of "vegetables". I suspect most of these would get caught with a second reading though.
Sorry for being a bit forensic here and dissecting everything but hopefully you'll find it helpful. I am actually quite excited to see where this ends up taking your plot and I do enjoying reading Aragon as a character.
Minj Requiem [7/13]
So, while this was short it was really littered with grammatical mistakes and and the tone was all over the place. I'm still highly suspect that someone would actually actively write a notebook entry on them currently being drugged. It was a bit too short to get a handle on and while I'm a fan of journal type writing it needs to be handled with care. Journal writing should, in my opinion, really give some sort of internal information of the character, something that really plays up writing it in first person. Try looking at either some of Will's journal writing chaps or Gloam's notebook chaps for some good examples.
Alright, Fin. You're my only grade. Right now. That I'm aware of.
Fin Meeting 60/63
Oh god. Shukumei.
Oh gods. Hotate.
And surprisingly this dynamic duo of titanic proportions which should have ended the world by their coming together in one 2,531 word collaboration... didn’t? I’unno, honestly I feel like the world broke when the two of you wrote this and decided that the only sane way of allowing it to exist was by making it read like a normal not so exciting piece.
All humor aside, though, I can honestly say that this wasn’t something I’d read normally. Two characters who by their own rights are interesting for one reason or another should have had a lot of depth and back and forth going. Instead the collab read really plain, and didn’t seem to hold a lot of purpose outside of establishing character connections. If there was any character development it was a side note to the vizard... plot? I don’t know what Val is cooking up over there on the Vizard Carnival Ride so I don’t know if it really moved that plot anywhere.
I need to get around to reading more of your stuff in general, Fin, because I was expecting grim humor left, right, and center with Hotate. Now I don’t know if that’s how she actually plays, as I’ve read not enough of her, but descriptions for the setting felt sparse while dialogue felt about right. It says something is missing from your writing when the most you focus on in a restaurant setting isn’t just the atmosphere, but the texture and flavors of the food. Which, in case you were wondering, was enough to make me feel repulsed.
Ugh. Sushi.
Really that’s all of what I’ve got for you. While your dialogue is good, giving the readers nothing more than a generic sentence description has the piece read like it was more of a check in the box instead of something that should have probably focused more on what Shukumei plans to do and how he plans to do them.
It was a very nice introductory collaboration between the two of you. There is a good flow and the transition from one writer to another works quite well between you and Nelo. Fine work with the descriptions as always and a nice read all in all. Zakki is a bit sneaky and it’s like a breath of fresh air to see him so kind against another being once in a while, even though it’s for his own gain! I found a missing word or two but nothing more than a simple miss. Great work from the both of you.
150 division bonus for sticking to your consecutive writing and being my only grade for a while now!
