Group 1 -> Group 3 -> Group 4 -> Group 5 -> Group 2 -> Group 1
Group 1 (Berri): 1st/5th/9th Divisions
Group 2 (Raph): 2nd/3rd/6th/11th Divisions
Group 3 (Drag): 7th/10th/12th Divisions
Group 4 (Hiren): 4th/8th/13th Divisions
Group 5 (Moon): AHs/Vizards/Quincies
Grades are due by 11:59 PM EST on Tuesday, 8 April 2014
Oh lookie there, I am the first person to post in the grading thread!
Val
The Serpent's Tongue [98/100]
I have very few complaints about this collab because it is part of Shuku's information gathering arc and that is ultimately going to bear most interesting fruit. He's also doing recruitment in Zakki style or at least it seems as though he's leaning that direction. Writing-wise there's not a lot of complain about. Maybe things are a bit...slow but it isn't all bad. At least you are writing and keeping things going and that can never be bad.
Zen
The Next Morning [55/57] With the exception of a few spelling errors and one or two funky commas, the mechanics of this chapter are good. Even more importantly you're spurring the action along nicely and moving Aragon's plot forward which is great. I think the way you have him slowly returning to awareness of what had happened. The hints at his private detection are also interesting and it is something I'd love to see you explore more. You have me wanting to know how things are going to evolve.
Raph
Operation Goring Clover [137/137] + Full Div. Bonus
Just for carrying the entire thread and for all of your work at trying to corral all of us and get us all moving in the right direction, I am giving you full grade and full bonus. You wrote well generally here and characterized Aki nicely but the fact that you singlehandedly wrapped the entire thread up with no real help from anyone (including me) means that I have to give you all the points. While I'm on the subject, I just want you to know how much I appreciate all of the work you've put in over the years and how much your grading commentary (when you graded me) was appreciated and welcome. Thank you.
Operation Concrete Whiplash [227/227]
I really have to echo my earlier comments here. I am impressed by your ability to write a whole bunch of characters on short notice even when they aren't yours. Again what I said about you being appreciated also applies.
Oh look. More peeps showed up. Posting what I have now, though, because it's late and I have to be up super early.
Alright folks. My music is blasting sweeping emotional orchestral songs the likes of which draw upon a burning desire to daun my armor, sword and shield and do heroic battle against titanic monsters of old. Let. Us. Do. This.
Sir Lambo, of the Court of Lambs Tongue 98/100
Vizzle gettin’ their vizzle on. Plots moving and gears are a-turnin’. Nothing too special, but helps get the characters out on stage as pieces. Main concern with your writing is that it feels pretty bare in terms of description. There’s a lot of telling readers this or that, but outside of the animalistic air that Silas has I’ve got no real image of him or what he looks like. He’s pretty much a serpent-man to me -- which is bad. Your readers should have a fresh image of what your character looks like, even if it’s just reinforcing descriptions that help hold your character together. It also helps to give you some more things to write with.
Outside of that it felt like a lot of your sentences weren’t broken up like they should have. It’s just a note right now, but I’ll be looking out for it and seeing about helping you make adjustments where necessary.
Last note, because I’m getting used to Silas, but it seemed... I don’t know, weird, that a man with a rep for a temper and hostile stance didn’t push a bit more at Shukumei. Like he just kinda rolled over simply because. Eh. Then again he could just be a completely chaotic neutral character who just does w/e.
Knave Bish, of the Bowing Quarter who doth loveth the Slop Whiplash 59/59
Brah, do you even word count? Normally I’d give a warning or such, but you’re not new and word counts are not a new thing. You’ll not get your point total until you IM/PM me with total word count.
Reading your stuff right now to still give you that review you deserve.
...
Tama reads pretty much like a young and confused teen, though I don’t think this collab was a very good showcase of his character intermixed with any prowess he might actually have.
Your writing is pretty solid on the whole, but in this collab it felt like you were focusing too much on internalizing everything that was happening around Tama for the readers, so that the could try to digest just what type of character he was. Moving forward, it’d be really cool to see you blend Tama’s character into his actions and his reactions. As most of your writing went, it read detached from the character in a way it probably shouldn’t have. Instead of finding himself shaking, skip right to Mouko’s inhuman strength and how his legs were too weak to keep him up. From there his realization about how weak he is can better drive your description of his fears.
Instead of internalizing his desire to know if his quincy powers will be enough, put that into his muscles going taut as he pulls the bowstring back, in how he sets his teeth grinding against one another while his eyes lock onto his enemy. From there you can put all of his hopes and desperation (if that’s what you’re going for) into his arrow as he lets it fly - no longer under his control.
It’d make for really compelling reading.
If you do this, you’ll not only see more action from Tama, but you’ll keep the flow of fights rolling and it should allow other writers to play off of you better. I said your writing was pretty solid, and I stand by that, but just work on flow with some well polished descriptions and I think you’d be pretty set.
Baron Dahc, of the valiant Country of Albuquerque Clover 76/76
Your stuff’s last because I hate you. You know what? No. Just take no points because you fail at lief. >: (
But no, in all seriousness your stuff is inbound. It’s just last.
...
Well, didn’t expect to actually enjoy a blind character, but you went off and proved me wrong. Chen seems like he’s fun to write, though I’m not sure if that’s because of the challenges you get to give him or if it’s because he curses like a sailor.
With your writing there’s not too much to comment on. It was solid, and you did a good job of showing Chen’s interactions with the world - mostly because you had to what with him missing sight.
I can’t find anything worth taking points away so you get full points and a pat on the back for doing well with a blind character.
My. god. please. proof. your. work. The spacing was all over the place, italics were messed up sometimes, it was a smorgasbord of grammar errors (specifically capitalizing proper nouns) and no word count in the the end or mention who was writing who (though it was obvious, it courteous to the grader to list it). There were even typos in the title of the thread which is just really sloppy in general. All of this I've mentioned in previous grading posts so I'm rather disappointed that they've shown up again.
As far as the collab went, I'm still really confused about the whole premise. Sure AHs (note no one actually calls them Advents, something I've mentioned before) and shinigami aren't not the best terms but they aren't breaking out in fights. Like there's literally no reason that a shinigami should be chasing an Orpheus Agent around and terrorizing them with kidou and shikai. Like what was the point other than a wild goose chase that for all intents and purposes shouldn't have happened? What's an Orpheus Agent doing picking fights with shinigami and vice versa?
This plot line needs work, simple as that. It was sloppily written and the premise didn't really hold weight in the long run. This was expressed through both it's weird pacing and plot, along with the more technical aspect of the typos and haphazard posting of the thread a whole. Pick up the slack guys.
My first impression of this collaboration is that it seemed a little forced. There seems to be almost no flow early on and from my point of view, it almost seemed as if you tried to push it to a start. It turns better almost halfway through it but there is still something that feels forced.
I like that you had something to bond over, the scar part seemed pretty neat. Although for something that was that easy for Adele to notice once Sarah thought of it, without any notice of it before seems a bit out of it. Something as visible as scars covering ones legs should be pretty visible from the start, not only when you sit down in front of each other, with a desk between you. Having a shihakushou covering most of your body might also be a blockade for the scars, one which would probably be pretty hard to penetrate with sight alone.
The flow became better at the end and if it had started that way, it would’ve probably made a bit more of a difference. Writing collaborations with a new partner is not always easy and one thing to think about might be to actually make sure that you draw in the reader immediately. It took quite a few paragraphs to get me interested in the story, before anything actually happened, which might sometimes push people away from finishing what might be a good story with just a slow start.
Also, I would love to see Adeleide try giving Nana a yelling for Sarah’s treatment!
Arun Operation: Crashing Thunder [94/94]
Caleb is a badass. As always, fun to read your stuff, especially with Caleb. I don't know why but I favor him over many other characters in the RP. He's just great! You're doing a really good job making sure that there is a good flow with the rest of the collab and not letting it go all over the place. Great work!
(insert random cat gif)
If there are any questions or if I missed anything, please tell me.
You're setting a rather unusual scene. More plot threads appearing with me unsure of how to connect any of them. I think you need to start resolving things, because you've got more balls in the air than a particularly talented prostitute. Dialogue is stellar, as per usual, and your grammar is more or less solid. I would recommend mixing up your style every so often because your usual narrative somewhat clashes with the atmosphere of the chapter.
All said, please give us a handle on what your plot is and what characters are involved with what. It's getting pretty confusing, if interesting.
Thana:
185/189 - Operation Concrete Whiplash [1887]
PM Bonus pre-applied. I enjoyed your presence and effort in this thread, but I somewhat wish you'd been more in tune with the rest of the collab. You branch off from a large portion of events (mostly at Mouko's orders, but to the point of being somewhat removed from the goings on) and as a result there's a certain disconnect between what's going on and what Edward's doing.
Your grammar didn't pull anything particularly jarring, but I would try to focus on your conveyance (as always). The more you can put a reader into a character's shoes, the more they'll be able to empathize and sympathize with them.
Half points for no word counts whatsoever. A lack of tangible involvement in the collab left you feeling disconnected, and it felt like you didn't really want to be there? Even though you volunteered? Too tired to sift through grammar, sufficed to say that next time I catch you not posting word counts, you'll get a zero.
