Group 1 -> Group 3 -> Group 4 -> Group 5 -> Group 2 -> Group 1
Group 1 (Will): 1st/5th/9th Divisions
Group 2 (Raph): 2nd/3rd/6th/11th Divisions
Group 3 (Drag): 7th/10th/12th Divisions
Group 4 (Hiren): 4th/8th/13th Divisions
Group 5 (Bunz): AHs/Vizards/Quincies
Grades are due by 11:59 PM EST on Tuesday, 22 April 2014
I'm not seeing very much to grade. Seems it was a slow week with everyone doing holiday stuff.
I'll need a heads up if I have a different guest grader besides Drag (who I don't see any writing for).
Fin - 56/56
I have to say, I'm really happy with how this turned out (and very sorry for how long it took to finish). After giving you essentially nothing to work off of, you creatively devised the contents of the laptop and ran with the idea completely. I have to wonder, did you pick Naha at random, or did you know when you picked it that I was born there?
As always, you have that unique touch, like Sayis' email at the top and the random black-box confusion nearer the end. I didn't see any noticeable errors or problems with structure. All in all, it's a good read and well-done especially with the limited direction.
+150 Division Bonus
Spinning Presenters (2234) 56/56
Hare - 205/213
Your posts had a lot of little errors, like inconsistent spelling of Norwegian and some out-of-place apostrophes. I'm not sure I really connected with Ken, but he gets points for sticking up and the bit of cleverness with the shackle. I'm not quite certain how that will play out, though, since even an Orph shackle would be quite apparent to the kidnappers. Remember to review your turns for small errors before posting -- even just reading through it once will often reveal mistakes (and sometimes give you ideas for better ways to phrase some things).
I'm having some trouble really connecting with Lina, or what she's going through. You're not really presenting her in an empathetic light, which is making a lot of this struggle between her and Cain moot. You didn't listen to my commentary last time: focus on everything happening to your characters. What they taste, what they smell. When they feel something, you have to make it real for the reader.
"The agonizing pain of her soul" doesn't mean anything because nobody knows what that feels like. Find an analogue, something that people can recognize and properly empathize with, or nobody's going to care what your character's go through.
Guest Grader: Will:
95/97 - The Cuckoo's Nest [3864]
I always feel like we end up retreading the same ground between Arano and Sayis, but I think the subtle differences in how they treat each other are starting to come through. The shift in Sayis' attitude as of late has been gradual, and I wonder if that's out of his caution for Arano or his mounting stress as Soutaichou. Regardless, your writing with him and the verbal banter were spot-on and kept things interesting.
Matsurine I have some minor qualms with: namely his proclaimed networks. I'm all for characters in an antagonistic role being in the know of things that are distressing to characters, but I also feel like you need to watch how far you stretch that. After Raifuku and his seemingly near-omniscience for perceiving things, Matsurine feels incredibly less justified. Knowing things because of off-screen exposition feels very tacky.
56/56 - Spinning Presenters [2234]
Shitty short commentary because I'm bad at this. Sayis' consistent lack of knowledge regarding technology is a much-needed humanizing moment for someone who seems to know everything nowadays. The conjecture that Raifuku is still alive is a bit of a stretch, considering you yourself tried to dissuade me from having my characters draw such a conclusion. This runs back to the 'stop having your characters immediately arrive to the correct conclusion because of reasons' thing.
Guys. (COUGH RESH THIS HAPPENED LAST WEEK COUGH). Put who's in the collab at the top please. I didn't know it was Resh in this collab until like half way through when Reshin showed up. If it was an NPC I would have been SOL. So, anyway, solid collab between the two of you and Nevada/Aiden/Resh have a weird dynamic going on. I think the weird part came from mainly some reactions to certain statements. As per usual, Reshin seems to be really over-saturated with trying to be badass and intimidating syndrome, even though his actions and speech don't really pull their weight. I've mentioned this at least once every week so it's kind of getting tiring to repeat. Nevada kind of got a bit bullied out by the antics of Aiden, but then again that's mainly because Aiden has a pretty stand out personality that naturally draws him to be the center of attention. Otherwise though, solid collab.
A very interesting chapter, Mewny. I’m thinking this might be my favorite one of yours yet. Of course there are tons back I have yet to read, but since I returned this one stands out. I think what I liked was its relaxed tone with the little surprise at the end. Felt to me like this could be used in a show, but maybe I’m just getting carried away.
I was amused by the fact that Richard has a safe room. I’m not too familiar with Zakki’s bf, but I get the feeling he must be pretty low level if he requires such a thing haha. I also liked how you used Emily in this chapter, her presence felt natural along with her actions.
Just so many layers here and all of them were fit together nicely. Good work!
Zenny: 52/52 “Goodnight, Seattle”
Get it?....that’s how Frasier Crane closes his show...Okay on to this chapter: Awww it was so nice. While nothing big happened in it, it had its way of keeping me entertained. I think it’s the way you poured such feels into the chapter, Aragon is so normal..in a good way. He’s not trying to be anything but himself; he’s a son, a pet owner, and he’s human. I’d love if more people showed the human part of their characters like this, it’s easier to step into their shoes.
I havent met an Aragon chapter that I have had really any complaints about. I just find something relatable about him, it’s a pleasure to read these chapters. Keep it up!
Colin: 193/193 “The Cuckoo’s Nest”
Ah well, Colin! It’s nice to see an Aragon collab, with Sayis none the less! Last I checked I hadn’t won the lottery, but maybe it’s just an Easter surprise since I am writing this then. Bunnies bring the baskets, not the ducks...uh oh right...collab >.>
Oop look at the time, I spent so much of it gaming and left this unfinished....My god, guys. You and Mewn both give me pieces that have so many layers to them. The mood of this collab was great and you delivered some solid imagery. Eh I really owe you a better critique, or comment sometime.
Dys Brambles in the Rain [45/49] + 100 division bonus
I can't say that I wasn't a little surprised by seeing a piece of first person writing. Nontheless, I can't say I didn't enjoy it. There were not many misses in the writing but the chapter itself felt a little stale. It didn't really feel as if anything was happening, more a biography of Adele rather than any action. I would love to see a piece with a little more happening as it is written in first person. I enjoyed it!
Please tell me if I missed anything and I will have it fixed.
