Group 1 -> Group 3 -> Group 4 -> Group 5 -> Group 2 -> Group 1
Group 1 (Will): 1st/5th/9th Divisions
Group 2 (Raph): 2nd/3rd/6th/11th Divisions
Group 3 (Drag): 7th/10th/12th Divisions
Group 4 (Hiren): 4th/8th/13th Divisions
Group 5 (Bunz): AHs/Vizards/Quincies
Grades are due by 11:59 PM EST on Tuesday, 29 April 2014
The only critique on the writing itself is this line:
After a second a full face united with the features revealing a rather masculine face.
The repetition kills whatever stylization you were going for with the uniting of features and form.
The reason I'm giving this no points, however, is that you made just this one post, and it seems like all or most of the participants responded within a day... and you never posted again.
I, the Mewn, will be guest grading this week. If I somehow missed you, let me know.
Sev Doctor,Doctor [172/172] + div. bonusu
I really enjoyed reading this even though it was bloody long. It did read a bit like two chapters that were loosely intertwined but I guess that was the desired effect. It was also really nice, Sev, to read something where you weren't writing Masato. You managed to create a compelling personality and characterization for Neji and you kept it throughout. Nice work, sir.
As for issues I had? Well I guess one could say that maybe it dragged on a bit. However that isn't really worthy of any point dockage. Otherwise, even though I feel like I should find at least a few quibbles, I really can't. I only hope there's more of a follow up here because I really want to see where this goes!
Operation Dying Light [101/101]
Because you were pretty much forced to carry this collab by the end (no thanks to me :<) I am going to give you full points here. I think you did a really good job of writing Masato as usual and the fact that you were pretty much on your own at the end really does add to my desire to reward you for all of your work. I really appreciate you trying so hard.
Zen If Only [48/51]
I really liked this in some ways and felt a bit shortchanged in others. I think that it establishes where Aragon is going to need to go and maybe sets up more of his life since all of the past events unfolded. However I think that it was a bit more of a shallow skim over Aragon's relationship with his father than it should have been. Otherwise I find it fun that he's revealing his success to a family that didn't realize just how well he'd done with Orpheus.
The reason I docked points was for the weird conversation quotation thing going on. You have his father and him speaking in the same paragraphs without any breaks at all and it is kind of disconcerting. I think its best to try and delineate their conversations a bit more instead of cramming them into one paragraph with quotations around each speaker.
Well, totally was not calling that ending. Eww, hollow juice swallow. Gross.
Otherwise solid collab, the hollow was pretty standard as far as hollows go. They really don’t go farther in the character development other than just being hungry. Then again, low level hollows don’t really have intelligence so I guess it’s fine. Just sometimes gets repetitive to read since I can usually call everything that happens.
That aside... aside, as far as your writing went it was pretty spot on. You and Dys really kept the back and forth going and there weren’t any really big, standout blips. The hollow did have some fun abilities and you did actually give Robin a run for his money. I kind of felt like Robin should have lost since the ending seemed really rushed, and for most of it I felt like the hollow had the upper hand. Sans that good job.
Take 50 kan.
Minj Faded Memories [61/65]
Pleasepleaseplease separate your bits and don’t mix them into a single paragraph. Especially when it makes no sense for them to be together in the same paragraph.
That being said I think there was some good development in this chapter. It was far less melodramatic and the answers, dare I say it, were warranted in their situation. No over the top responses was a welcome change.
I think you need to really figure out a way to individualize Hikaru’s personality. It still happens that if you asked me major personality traits or quirks for Hikaru, I’d honestly struggle to find something that directly defines him. He seems to lack a unifying theme and seems to be pulling a hodgepodge of personality traits which makes it harder for a reader to identify and set him apart from the rest.
I’m not docking points for that, just food for thought.
Short chapter short commentary. You kept things pretty contained here, and it's always nice to see the other sides of Nana that are rarely - if ever - exposed to the public eye. Your pacing in the chapter is well-spaced, but I think you sacrificed tone by cutting it so short. It makes your transition into Taiyou's appearance rather abrupt, and coupled with the sudden shift of Nana's emotional state into an observant one gives a distinct feeling of whiplash.
I'm all for context to appearance, but try to ease those details in, instead of suddenly cutting to them. If you'd given Taiyou's appearance whilst she conversed with Nana, and then thrown in some context to her appearance (the Greek/Roman parallels) once Nana was truly calmed, the tone would've been much more solid.
All aside, good chapter, managed to move things forward.
Dys Brambles in the Rain [105/111] (missed this last week) Sorry for missing these two last week. This had a little more oompf in it than the first piece but I'm not sure I like that you switched it between first and third person writing, even if you split it into chapters. I would have prefered if it had stayed a single chapter, all in one style. Not much to comment about though, the writing was solid and you actually got somewhere. Now Adele just needs to figure 'her sound' out! Flower Power [50/70]
This feels as if it was not really read through thoroughly. There are parts that don't really hang together, for example the part where Robin ends up in the mouth of the hollow. One second he was running away, the next he was somehow in its mouth. And when you describe Robin as analytic as he seemed to be when he "read" the hollow's attack, make sure that you follow through in the same fashion. Just as something went out of plan (when he got hit once), all his plans fell apart. As for stabbing a hollow in the mask, as long as you hit it hard enough it should shatter and the hollow should die. Robin kept hitting that mask like a madman without anything happening. It’s almost as if you ignored each others turns. Katie Operation Dying Light [0/32] I'm going to follow Will on this one and give you a 0. I had no problems with the writing itself but disappearing without finishing your work should not be accepted as "completed writing". Arun Doctor, Doctor[172/172] I'm not sure if I want to meet either one of those doctors. Ever. I mean, what is wrong with Echidna? Dat bitch cray. The writing itself was amazing to read. What really got to me was the way the both of you managed to keep this piece as a single one, putting it all together with both Neji and Echidna at each side. It was marvelous. Operation Dying Light [0/20] Same as Katie on this one. Sorry for the late grades everyone, I've had a lot on my plate this week. Next week will be better, promise!
