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Grading Session for Week 329

Rob

Rob

Pew Pew Pew
Latens
11,698✦
Exa
⏆5,260
Bounty
⏈0
Dahlitium (⏆50 per)
0⌯
Bigatium (⏆100 per)
0⍨
Auritium (⏆300 per)
0⍫
Vitatium (⏆1200 per)
0⌭
Caelitium (⏆6000 per)
0⌬
Group 3 -> Group 2 -> Group 5 -> Group 4 -> Group 1 -> Group 3

Group 1 (Will): 1st/5th/9th Divisions
Group 2 (Rob): 2nd/3rd/6th/11th Divisions
Group 3 (Drag): 7th/10th/12th Divisions
Group 4 (Hiren): 4th/8th/13th Divisions
Group 5 (Bunz): AHs/Vizards/Quincies
​

Grades are due by 11:59 PM EST on Tuesday, 20 May 2014



Note the updated Grading Rules here.
New rotation this week.​
 
Doesn't seem like ayone wrote this week either.

Alright, I think Bunz is supposed to grade humankind, but I'm not sure.
Anyway, since Zenny hasn't had his grade yet, I'll be taking that I guess.

So, overall a pretty interesting and solid chapter. You had a few hiccups along the way, most of which were a bit hard to spot if you didn't realize it.

For instance:

Back inside, Aragon got her to settle down before going into take his shower.

Even though both into and in to are technically correct words, you really need the latter of the two because of the fact that you didn't specify where you went 'into'. You could say "before going into his shower" but the fact that you wrote 'take' nullifies this. As such, use 'in to' to denote that you were 'going in to take a shower'. Aka, going inside to take his shower.

Also, just an off-side remark: are you aware that Miki's awakening comes from being hit by lightning? (also, you misswrote that word as it's lightning instead of lightening - unless you meant being hit by something that lightened something as lightning is those thunderbolts in the sky, lightening is what happens when said lightning strikes) So yeah, if Aragon's awakening is also going to be coming from being hit by lightning, they can be in the same club of people who were hit by lightning and got their awakening that way club.

So, I don't want to dwell on little things too much so I won't. There is one last thing I want to mention, though, and that is this odd habit of yours where you pretty much skip a lot of time by writing things such as: "Moments later," or, "Weeks later," and it really cuts into the flow like a sledgehammer cutting into a piece of butter. Try to watch out for that. Using it sporadically? A-Okay. Using it every few paragraphs? Not so much.

Other than that, solid chapter.

54/54 wud reed agen

My stuff:
http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?38981-Week-329-Happenstance
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Will:
Downward [54/54]

I really liked this chapter because of the slow build of tension. This is a really good brewing of drama which is really is setting the stage for the upcoming PMs. I'm really looking forward to how the summer PMs turns out because I'm liking the stage setting. And you totally know how I like madness reading and you're pulling it off. I'm waiting for the snap point, because that snap point is going to be epic. Not much else to say since I don't really have much plot to work off of because this is a sort of stage setting chapter.
 
Missed grading for Rob:

Rob - 46/52

Well, I'm not entirely sure what I'm reading here. Admittedly, I haven't read the previous parts, but it still felt like a lot was missing here. It's not just a matter of me not knowing who these characters are -- after reading this chapter, I don't have a good idea of where they were, what was happening, or even what they look like.

“I’m sorry,” Kurt responded.

“That’s okay, it’s not your fault she won’t talk.”

“No,” he continued, “but it is my duty to see her safe. To see her like this means I have failed as a guardian.”

“Even then,” Scarlett interjected, “you can’t protect her from every single thing, Kurt. We will find out what happened and punish those who hurt her, that is a promise. It’d just be easier if she would just tell us what happened.”
Click to expand...

This also stuck out as a small error. I assume that was meant to be Miki's interjection.

I know you've probably heard the expression 'show, don't tell,' and that seems counter-intuitive when you are quite literally telling a story. However, this is an excellent example of where it could have helped. In this chapter, you tell us that Miki walked in on Scarlett's mangled form, you tell us that she wasn't comfortable, that she was worried, and that Scarlett was avoiding talking.

However, try to picture this as a scene from a movie. Imagine the room, the lighting, imagine where Miki's eyes are drawn to and what she sees. Imagine the sounds -- is it deathly silent? is there a murmur of machinery? quiet breathing? Picture Miki's expression, Scarlett's reaction, and the body language as Miki relents and leaves the room, closing the door behind herself.

You'd be telling the same story, setting the same scene with the same emotions, but showing the reader what the characters are seeing, hearing, feeling, rather than just telling us. When you tell us what's happening, it's like a storyboard, like you're giving us the general idea before you commit to creating the scene.

Happenstance (1040) 46/52
​
 
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