Group 5 -> Group 4 -> Group 3 -> Group 1 -> Group 2 -> Group 5
Group 1 (Will): 1st/5th/9th Divisions
Group 2 (Rob): 2nd/3rd/6th/11th Divisions
Group 3 (Drag): 7th/10th/12th Divisions
Group 4 (Hiren): 4th/8th/13th Divisions
Group 5 (Bunz): AHs/Vizards/Quincies
Grades are due by 11:59 PM EST on Tuesday, 1 July 2014
Oh man! The idea of using a song to work through the chapter was great. I really enjoyed the read and it makes me curious as to what's causing him to collapse and where exactly he's going in his mind. The writing was nicely done with no real mistakes and honestly this is why I miss grading! I love seeing what people are doing and reading about characters I really love!
Ketch
Daniel [67/70]
Well I will say, first of all, I am glad to read about Rudo again! It has been a while since I read any of your stuff and the one thing you always have is good imagery. The style that Rudo and his Q brethren exude is undeniable. There are some weird thesaurus-speak moments especially "scrupulous nature" which really doesn't make much sense. There were also a few other errors like a missed capitalization and some odd comma usage so that's where I docked points. Otherwise I think that this was a fitting return for Rudo and it definitely makes me want to read more about him again!
That aside, great job on both of these chapters. They were really interesting to read and I'm really happy to see this plot line start to move. I was afraid it was stalling out a bit, but I'm ready from sneaky sneaky action happening soon. The strongest point was generally how you set the scene for the events that followed. It was eerie, but also really mysterious which is something I think this arc needs. Outside of that, keep up the good work and let's get more spies up in the house here.
Horse Breeding [60/65]
Uhh...huhh... Okay. So I like the hollow's theme since there's very few horse related things in this RP for some reason. Hollow fights are a bit meh but anyway, I think my main issue was that there wasn't really any sort of buildup, climax or falling action. It was like here's a hollow, let it get shot like 2 times, oh look it's dead. It seemed to end way too fast with not much done. However, as far as kan rewards go, both of you can take full reward.
Minj
Horse Breeding [60/65]
So, lot of my comments from Nellas grade still apply here. You need to work a bit on your pacing. Some of your stuff is always so short without much development in between. Rather than giving the writing a dynamic, it's just a bit flat at points. Also, some of the one liners did seem a bit awkward. Sometimes, not saying anything is the best thing to do in a turn. You don't need an inner monologue in ever turn to get a feel for what your character is doing. You can express that through the writing and their actions, rather explicitly stating it.
Spoiler alert, mah darlins: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON.
YES. THIS APPLIES TO YOU. AND YOU. EVEN YOU. Hell, I don’t even know what’s going on with my OWN stuff these days, so you best be settin’ them expectations low.
But I love you.
But not enough to read more to catch up with your plot.
/softly whispers i don’t understand what is going on
^ahaha This was the first line from my last grading bit, AND IT STILL APPLIES NOW. You know, I should probably KNOW who the sweet jesus the ‘Soushireikan’ is and why he is important and, like, what sorts of shenanigans he’s up to.
But I don’t.
WHAT I CAN SAY is that, based on this chap, he...likes spying on people, and using computers, and being calm and cool, and spying on people, and having intense homoerotic stare-downs with blue-haired men over spying on gray-haired men, and also spying on people.
You know what? I think I like this Matuusurisubisunisu-- this Mat guy.
All joking aside, this was a nice chapter -- even though I don’t really know what The Plot is right now, you still made it very easy to understand what is happening within the confines of the chapter. You’re very good at alluding to details and larger events -- within the context of smaller situations. If that makes sense. Pretend it makes sense. Aside from some strange nit-picking I did at the very beginning of the chapter (Matsu was standing on his feet behind his desk. As opposed to, IDK, standing on his head or possibly standing on his hands to assert his physical dominance to the others in the room?), I literally can’t think of any problems I found with the writing.
Mat-bro seems like the sort of guy I really would like (READ: FLAWED AND KIND OF AN ASS), and, of course, Shahei is just the coolest motherfucker in the universe.
PS: How is it that Kyu always ends up in trouble with authority/assassins/spies/spysassins? This is what she gets for having friends, you know.
YOU KNOW, in retrospect, I could probably write very (very) succinct little chapter critiques/commentary (let’s be honest, with me it’s more commentary than critique because I am NOT QUALIFIED to give helpful constructive criticism).
For example, when asking Will/Ky if he had any idea who Lina was or what kind of plot I am diving face-first into, my commentary was as such:
THIS CHICK I DONT KNOW IS IN A PLACE I DONT KNOW WITH A DUDE(SPIRIT?) I DON'T KNOW DOING I DONT KNOW WHAT
THEN SHE WAKES UP
and really that about sums up my experience. Except I guess there are also chains and the dude-thing can also be EYES and/or MOUTHS and is just, in general, kind or creepy. And possibly an ancestor/relative of some weird bizarre sort to Lina?
BASICALLY this is how I think people probably feel when they’re reading my March backstory (except I don’t tell you that, I just suddenly write chapters that take place in 1850 with some guy names Joseph and GOOD LUCK FIGURING OUT WHAT IS HAPPENING). I feel like there is probably some...interesting plot happening here, but it’s just a bit beyond me.
I can’t quite get a grip on Lina’s personality, possibly because she’s having some sort of surreal lucid-spirit-world-dreaming experience and everything is just a bit abstract because of it. The tiny bit at the end (with her waking up) felt much easier to associate with -- so YEAH, I’ll assume I was just too in-the-dark on her plot to really sync up with the dream(?) scene.
Your writing, in and of itself, is pretty clear in the grammar and mechanics departments; if I wanted to wheedle and go picking at tiny things (I WANT TO), I might suggest you look into...condensing your prose a bit? NOT SO SURE that makes sense -- and I know you’re already pushing it to get a chapter out regularly, so making the word count even harder to reach seems kind of asinine BUT SHHH.
Sometimes your...wording and turn of phrase feels like it’s looping back on itself? Over-explaining itself? I HONESTLY can not find the words to express what I am thinking in my brain-space. I wouldn’t QUITE call it redundancy...but it’s something like it? Basically, some of your sentences feel like you’ve taken a piece of information that could be expressed in X number of words and then...stretched...it...out...?
YOU KNOW WHAT. I DON’T KNOW WHAT I AM DOING ANYMORE. JUST. JUST TAKE YOUR POINTS AND RUN WHILE YOU CAN.
this is why i stick to commentary. this is me doing critiques:
all over my post
SO LIKE USUAL, if I messed up your chapter, or your grade, or the week, or the year, or, you know, missed you entirely, you can drop a phat rhyme(I mean IM or PM) all up in my grill (on my accounts).
AHAHAHAHA NO of course I didn't write, do you even know who I am? ---INKS
(thats who i am)
(tho my god this grading post could qualify as a chapter look at this mess)
I dunno about this one really. It feels as if you did not really collaborate but instead wrote your side of the story for the first half of it. Later on, it got better but it still feels as if you weren't really working together on this one. The story itself was good, so was the way you wrote but the first part of the collaboration somewhat messed it up. Good job on fixing it halfway through though!
Sticky Fingers [70/70]
This felt a lot better than the collab. I love that the training is playful and you really managed to find a twist to it. Lovely done!
A Sigh of Relief [44/44]
Quite a chill and easy chapter, not to much to say here really. It's a good follow-up to the previous part and it's always nice to have some more closure. Well done. The Beginning of a Simple Plot [91/91]
This one, I have a problem with. It's more or less a secondary chapter to you collab with Gloam. In the future, I would like it if you posted that one in the same thread as the collab. The chapter was a nice read and you did good staying in character despite writing off to characters. I love spanish-talking Adele!
A Friendly Offer [66/66]
This one felt a little better than the other collaboration you had. The words were flowing better when reading it and it was a bit easier to get into the story. Nicely done.
PM/IM if I missed anything. Sorry for the late grade, totally forgot to post it.
From this point on, I would like to ask anyone who write to post their stuff in this gdoc.
