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Approved Omir Vanidici - Laicar (Terran)

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Nargles

Hollywood Meets Bollywood
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omir1_zps532fd696.png

Name: Omir Vanidici
Age: 27
Race: Laicar (Terran)

Vigor: 1500
Latens: 0

Persona: Befitting his appearance, Omir is rather charming. A sweet talker and liar by trade, he seems to have a knack for getting what he wants through flattery and deceit. His personal philosophy strays along the lines of ‘why work for something when you can get someone else to work for you?’. He has all but mastered the art of making it look like he’s done the maximum amount of work for the minimum amount of effort.

He has become almost infamous for his playboy tendencies, and personally vocalizes his record for the number of broken hearts lefts behind. Though, the validity of these claims is suspect. In the same vein he has claimed his skill and mastery of a variety of trades over time, whatever made him a quick buck at the time.Though the actual knowledge of these trades is suspect as well.

That aside, he is truly a skilled buisnessman. However, shady the practice, Omir does have a penchant for exploiting hopeless situations, if it has the potential of turning a profit for him.

As far as his actual skills go, they are a rather eclectic assortment. These talents range from: juggling to candle-making, amateur magician to dressmaker, four-star chef to insurance agent. Though his best skill is the art of swindling. While his finances are nowhere near comfortable, his ability as a salesman is near unmatched.

Physical Stature: As far as Laicar males go, Omir is considered by many to be rather dashing. In fact, his handsomeness is probably his only notable trait. Perhaps it’s his athletic build or perhaps it’s his general bad boy vibe. That being said, he revels in the attention. Standing roughly six-feet tall, he possess a medium, swimmer’s build. Scars on his face and body are relics of heists gone wrong. His eyes are a deep brown, a slight stubble of similarly colored hair covers his face.

He wears several layers of clothing, but tends to prefer browns and tans. He wears a brown travelling cloak with a similar hood. Attached to his side is his preferred weapon, a makeshift meteor hammer, consisting of two iron balls strung between a long, red strip of fabric. Remnants of what appear to be dried blood are stained along the fabric.

Biography: Born in the slums outside of Terminus, Omir was an anomaly to say the least. The child of a Velen-Laicar mother and a Enlil-Laicar father, odds said that he was destined to be a spurii as well. However, through whatever trick of fate, he was given the recessive Laicar traits from both his parents, making him a pure Laicar. For most, this would be considered a blessing, but for Omir it was simply a curse.

Between his parents and his two brothers and sisters, all spurii themselves, he was an outsider. While the rampant prejudices to spurii ravaged the slums he was brought up in, his pure Laicar status often caused most to spare him, mistaking him as a pureblood Laicar. Facing jealousy from his siblings, scorn from his parents, and ostracism from his community, on the day of his eighteenth birthday he left.

Travelling to the city of Terminus, he quickly fell into a shadier ring of business. Through necessity, he was recruited to join a group of animal traffickers specializing the procurement of rare and endangered species for the rich echelon of Terminus. It was there he met what would become his closest companion, a Praeca named Denu.

After which, he flittered from job to job, working in an odd mix of trades and disciples. All the while planning on how to attain his dream of fabulous wealth. It was then that he saved up to purchase a broken wagon which he converted to a mobile storefront. It was on that day that the illustrious Vanidici Emporium was formed.

Character Skills

School of Serpens (The Serpent)
School of Occultus (The Hidden)
Discipline of Pugilis (The Brawler)
Way of Cannonis (The Bomber)
Calling of Mansuetis (The Tamer)

Sample Chapter:


The streets in the middle of the commercial district were always full of life. A mélange of races shuffled through narrow paths, with stalls selling all sorts of goods and services lining the sides. The voices of salesmen echoed loudly, the dozens of conversations melding together into undecipherable noise. That being said, there was a general feeling of positivity, especially on such a perfect day. The temperature leaned closer to the warm side, though a calming breeze offset that.

However, a peculiar sound seemed to rise above them all. Calling it music would have been a bit of a stretch, as it seemed to more closely resemble cacophony. That being said, the aberrant syncopation seemed to be drawing a crowd.

The individuals formed a wide semicircle around the source. It was a vehicle that seemed to be a cross between a wagon and a vendor stall. Made completely out of wood, it seemed to be in perfect condition... at least on one side. The side that mattered and was pointed towards the crowd was made of handcrafted wood, polished to a brilliant shine. The other side... not so much. The term scrap would be more accurate.

The center of the near side opened outwards, revealing the inside of the wagon. An immaculately kept sign hung above the window, the words “Vanidici Emporium” scrawled artistically. On the bottom ledge of the window was an eclectic mix of glass bottles filled with mysteriously colored liquid. Charms and pendants were draped along the sides, unknown objects were stuffed into alien looking boxes.

The crowd continued to grow as the volume of the music continued to increase. Suddenly, the sound of a dozen trumpets, mixed with what suspiciously sounded like the roar of some feral beast shook the entire cart. Erupting outwards from the top of the wagon in a burst of glitter, Omir Vandici appeared. He front flipped forward, landing in a triumphant stance, in solid form with his arms extended upwards. Immediately after, a second burst of noise and confetti exited the top of the wagon, a small form of a Praeca. The red ursine animal did a similar front flip, landing with a delicate flop on top of Omir’s head.

The crowd erupted in a surge of applause, though most of it was directed towards the bear than the laicar. “Welcome! Welcome!” the brown-haired salesman announced, his voice energetic and excited. Catching the eye of a young Laicar woman to his side, he gave the girl a wink, who immediately blushed at the sight. Omir looked out at the crowd, gesturing back towards the cart behind him.

“I’ve travelled far and wide across the realm, gathering only the best and rarest potions and poultices for sale.” In a blur he suddenly appeared next to a bunch of glass vials. “Dangerous magicks, and forbidden potions.” he grabbed handful of ebony dust from an open container. Throwing it on the ground, he disappeared in a plume of black smoke.

He appeared suddenly in the middle of the crowd, much to the surprise of the shocked audience who quickly stepped back. Reaching into his cloak, he pulled out two more vials of liquid. “Made by sages from far-away corners of the Earth, these legendary potions have been known to make even Death run in fear!”

The children in the group gasped out as he disappeared in another plume of black smoke. Appearing in front of the wagon once again, he grabbed two vials, throwing both to the small creature at his side who caught them with his bushy tail.

“To the untrained, handling these ingredients would be suicide. But don’t worry! Even Death himself has bowed to my skill.” Omir snapped at his partner, the small creature running towards the back of the wagon. A large screen was ejected by the top of the wagon, hanging down the side. The Praeca ran out from the side, pulling a device on a cart behind him.

“I present to you these real testimonials from satisfied customers!”

The red bear tapped the device with his paws, a grainy image being projected from the side. The black and white film appeared on the screen. An elderly Laicar woman appeared on the screen, a pair of circular reading glasses being the most striking feature.

“Oh, before I met Mister Vandici, I used to get terrible pains in my back. But after just one sip of his elixir and I was fixed up just like new! I feel like I’m fifty-three all over again!”

The small creature pressed a button on the device again. This time an image of a Demvir appeared on the screen. The mechanical creature was made of jagged, triangular parts. A single red eye sat in the center of its face.

“MISTER VANDICI’S PERFECT POLISHING POULTICE HAS GIVEN ME A SHINE THAT I HAVEN’T SEEN IN YEARS, EVEN NOW I’M GETTING LOOKS FROM ENVIOUS, BIOFORM, EYES.”

The device suddenly turned off, Omir shooting a sudden glance towards the ursine. Clearly shaken up by the change in the practiced program, the red bear suddenly started aggressively tapping its paws on the device. Smoke started to rise from the device, as it started to malfunction. Three separate videos were played simultaneously the screen.

He glanced quickly towards the wagon, quickly stuffing another pinch of powder into his pocket as confused looks appeared on the audience’s face. He ran over towards the projector, the Praeca jumping on his shoulder. As the device continued to heat up, it began to beep violently. The crowd backed up in fear.

At the last minute, he threw the powder on the device and kicked the cart upwards. Igniting instantly, the device detonated. Instead of shrapnel, the contents were launched skywards, as they exploded into a variety of colors.

Makeshift fireworks in a sense.

The crowd suddenly ooh’d and ahh’d as the lightshow continued. He shot an annoyed glance towards the Praeca who simply raised both paws upwards in a shrug.

“Yes, you will be celebrating too after you purchase our wares!”

Omir walked into the crowd. “Sir!” Going towards a slightly balding middle aged Laicar, he placed his hand around his shoulders. “Is your mind twenty, but your follicles forty? Simply dab this on twice a day and within a week it should be as good as new!” The salesman handed the man a vial of blue liquid.

Quickly he turned around to an Enlil female, handing her a red tube. “Ahh a blue feathered one, quite a rare sight and quite a lucky gift. However, reds are in this season! But don’t worry, just add this to your bathwater and you’ll be crimson in no time!”

He then jogged over to a Velen child, clutching her mother’s leg in shyness. The Praeca ran forward, placing his paws on the child and licking his face. The child giggled and smiled as he began to play with the creature. “Madam, don’t you want to make sure that that smile always stays on her face? If she’s getting ill, just mix this into her meal and it’ll cure any ailment.”

Throwing the last bit of black powder in his pocket onto the ground, as the smoke cleared he appeared next to the wagon once again. “And for you all, in this wonderful city of Terminus, I offer you a once in a lifetime deal! Thirty percent off all our wares, with a money back guaranteed if you’re unsatisfied with the results. Terms and conditions apply.” He mumbled something rapidly under his breath, rehearsed to be spoken with such speed that it was nealy impossible to understand. The ursine ran behind the wagon once again, as another burst of confetti erupted from the sides.

“Now then! We’re open for business!”

[1313]
 
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Rob here for another round of applications, whoo!

So,let's get going.

Name: Yup, it's a name all right.
Age: It's an age!
Race: Laicar it is.

Vigor: Yup.
Latens: All good.

Persona: You have a thing for less than holier characters don't you, Arun? I like it, though I will have to come back to you on his appearance for a bit.

A bit of a mishap I found in your persona however, is this:

That aside, he is truly a skilled buisnessman. However, shady the practice, Omir does have a penchant for exploiting hopeless situations, if it has the potential of turning a profit for him.

Businessman is misspelled here, but the real thing I'm leaning towards is the second sentence. I tried fixing it by removing the first comma after however, but it still sounded a bit weird. So, I removed the last comma as well, after situations.

That aside, he is truly a skilled businessman. However shady the practice, Omir does have a penchant for exploiting hopeless situations if it has the potential of turning a profit for him.

However, if this is not what you tried to convey, then I want to suggest rewriting the sentence in its entirety.

Physical Stature: So, I'm having some mixed feelings about Omir's appearance. You say he looks dashing, handsome even, and while I'm not going to be all "ERMERGERDNERRRR" I do want to point out that he has scars. I'm not sure handsome, or dashing is proper way to describe his 'beauty' in this case. Don't get me wrong, there is certainly a case for beauty in scars. They can look very awesome, but I think it warrants a different description. It certainly adds to his bad boy vibe, which is the main point I'm trying to make here.

Perhaps try to play off of that a bit more with his persona? Either way, take my advice or leave it. It matters little, just thought I'd voice my two cents here - and, like I mentioned, I'm not really sure how else to describe him either.

As for the appearance itself, there's nothing wrong with it and gives a good description of Omir as a person.

Biography: Strange, a bit weird perhaps, to see a pure blood laicar be produced from two spurii parents. I'm not sure how great, or in this case low, the percentage on that is. But, I'm guessing Omir is a pretty unique snowflake in that regard. Not sure if this would actually make him a pure blood laicar, or have it just so he appears to be one. Might have to double check that with one of the GMs.

Other than that, the intrigue makes for great plot in the future I'm sure.

Edit: You already brought this to Will, and if he said it's fine, it's fine with me.

Sample Chapter:
So, right of the bat I'm running in a bit of a weird sentence.

A mélange of races shuffled through narrow paths, stalls selling all sorts of goods and services lining the sides.

This sentence is easily fixed by adding 'with' before stalls.

A mélange of races shuffled through narrow paths with stalls selling all sorts of goods and services lining the sides.

It might not be the an inherently wrong sentence, but the combination of 'races' and 'stalls' in the way you wrote it just made the sentence a bit odd to read.

The temperature erred closer to the warm side, though a calming breeze offset that.

Erred? I'm not sure you want to be using 'to go stray' in this sentence. Possible fix: leaned?

Calling it music would have been a bit of a stretch, as it seemed to err more on the side of cacophony.

Again, err? No, please stop using 'err' in this way. To err is human, but please do not use it in these kind of sentences.

“Vandici Emporium” scrawled artistically.

So, I'm just going to assume this is a typo, but isn't the last name Vanidici? You do this again a moment later with his actual name. Either it's Vandici and you misspelled it while posting this thread, or you misspelled it in your chapter.

Alrighty, so just about halfway through we get some errors with dialogue punctuation.

In a blur he suddenly appeared next to a bunch of glass vials, “Dangerous magicks, and forbidden potions,” he grabbed handful of ebony dust from an open container.

As a rule of thumb, only use commas when you're writing out a manner of speech. So, the sentence in this case would simple be:

In a blur he suddenly appeared next to a bunch of glass vials. “Dangerous magicks, and forbidden potions.” He grabbed handful of ebony dust from an open container.

This for the simple reason that these are three different sentences you're writing about. All three of them can be standalone and do not need to be connected in any way, shape or form.

Reaching into his cloak, he pulled out two more vials of liquid, “Made by sages from far-away corners of the Earth, these legendary potions have been known to make even Death run in fear!”

Same rule goes here. 'he pulled out two more vials of liquid' is not a way of saying something. As such, they are not a part of the dialogue, and thus do not need to interlude it with a comma.

Reaching into his cloak, he pulled out two more vials of liquid. “Made by sages from far-away corners of the Earth, these legendary potions have been known to make even Death run in fear!”

Next up is some comma misplacing:

The children in the group gasped out, as he disappeared in another plume of black smoke.

Because the word 'as' is kind of a substitute for a comma, you don't need the comma here as it break the flow. So, drop the comma.

The children in the group gasped out as he disappeared in another plume of black smoke.

Alright, so another dialogue mistake, and one you seem to make often. Just because something is used before speech, doesn't mean it automatically becomes its interlude. Same goes for something at the end. Even if what you just explained has to do with what you write thereafter, unless it's a manner of speech, it does not need a comma.

“To the untrained, handling these ingredients would be suicide. But don’t worry! Even Death himself has bowed to my skill,” Omir snapped at his partner, the small creature running towards the back of the wagon.

Should therefor become:

“To the untrained, handling these ingredients would be suicide. But don’t worry! Even Death himself has bowed to my skill.” Omir snapped at his partner, the small creature running towards the back of the wagon.

Same deal with this one:

Omir walked into the crowd, “Sir!”

The comma is unnecessary, and should be dropped in favour of a period.

And lastly:

Quickly he turned around to an Enlil female, handing her a red tube, “Ahh a blue feathered one, quite a rare sight and quite a lucky gift. However, reds are in this season! But don’t worry, just add this to your bathwater and you’ll be crimson in no time!”

No comma necessary here either!

That said, just take this into account moving forward. The biggest problems in your chapter came from dialogue punctuation, but I'm not going to let that drive you away from this snazzy little Approved stamp.
 
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