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Beaks

Beaks

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Yes, you're all playing it. I am as well, so much so that it has devoured all my Guild Wars/Rusty Hearts/etc time. So, discussion/bragging/holy shit guys I just ______ a ________ goes here.

In the spirit of things I'm going to start with my death log since starting a game.

Skyrim Death Log, Day one (The "behaving myself" playthrough)

1. Run too quickly past main quest NPC after initial escape, swarmed and killed by giant ass spiders.
2. Reach first town, quickly lockpick nearest empty house and burgle EVERYTHING. Upon leaving, shoot a chicken obstructing my overencumbered path, whole town unites to kill me for this heinous crime.
3. See giant, decide to stand on ro...ck I believe he can't reach me at, and shoot with bow.
4. See mammoth. Shoot mammoth without realizing his giant owner is nearby.
5. Jump from top of Dragonsreach...just cause.

---

Skyrim Death Log, Day 2:

1. Merrily jaunting about on my horse Jeffy, I encounter a dragon. After shooting said dragon out of sky and yelling at its corpse, I realize I chased it (way) too close into a camp of Giants & mammoths. No bueno times ensue.

2. Reload, spank dragon, avoid giant camp only to stumble across base of Silver Hand mercs, who kill Jeffy before I can so much dismount. Manly tea...rs are shed for my horse. Following standard procedure, I go on a roaring rampage of revenge. Well I roared, and I rampaged, and I got bloody satisfaction on all 31 mercs inside and outside the base.

3. Kid in Whitefell calls me a clown, I put 42 arrows in him before the collective guards of an entire city bring me down. Still in mourning for Jeffy, human life somehow cheapened.

4. Fighting with random bandit out in the mountains. Repeatedly use dragon shout on him so he stumbles backwards off cliff. Chase him down cliff and yell at him one last time before we're both pretty stains on the rocks. Like a bawss.


---

Skyrim Death log, Day 3:

1. In my haste to attract the attention of the Dark Brotherhood (Yeah, it's more of a True Neutral playthrough now) I decide to lay waste to the town of Windfell. Alas, what the entire populace lacked in raw strength they made up in numbers.

2. While jaunting about sans horse (as the game has rapidly smote the last 4, I have just said 'fuck it' regarding said issue) I c...ome across a dragon roost. Kill 5th dragon in what was a fairly quick fight, only to have mummies pop out of coffins after my low-health ass is standing over the slain beast looting and absorbing the soul. Wizard mummies. Low health. Fuuuuuuuu, etc.

3. Attempt to use the Staggering force shout to create a gravity buffer between me and the ground after falling off lethal cliff. Alas, it do not.

4. Kill 3/4ths the inhabitants of Dragonsreach to get a single key that will unlock a door with a creepy whispering Daedra behind it. Get killed, reload and try things the sneaky way. It works, and now I have a magic sword that tells me to go kill people. True story.

---

Skyrim Death Log, Day 4

1. Herpderpin' around in the mountains, I have time to look down from the top of an extremely (read: lethal) tall cliff, hearing a loud roar prompts me to turn around and find myself face to teeth with a snow bear. His first hit lands before I can draw/block and knocks me off the cliff. My rage was almost sated by the sight of his dumb ass chasing me off what was sure to be a death-inducing fall, but that of course was before I realized my last prior save was an hour before.

2. After doing a quest for some god of light (I forget her/its name) I am whisked to a birds eye view of Skyrim while a sentient ball of light talks to me. Curious to see if I can move about freely one mile up in the air I apparently stumble out of her "good graces" zone and plummet to my death, albeit with a hell of a view on the way down.

3. In a mad quest to see how much shit I could possibly aggro, I put 3 giants, 4 mammoths, 3 wolves, 2 bandits, 3 Frost Spiders and a goddamn bear under a frenzy spell, and urged them to come at my Brovatar. They did....judge by the title of these entries how it went.

Skyrim Death Log, Day 5 (Fuck absolutely everything)

1. One of those mental questions I never wanted answered was answered today when I was descended upon by not one, but two goddamn dragons. Throw in of course the small pack of Frostbite Spiders the game saw fit to have roaming around and between the fire breath and poison you have mooooooore than enough degen to kill a Dhovakin.

2. Now that I have (finally) started the Empire/Stormcloak and main plot missions, I am encouraged by Ulfric to capture Imperial camps and cities. Thinking that this is something I can do on my own without a game scripted event I warp to the Imperial capital of Solitude and begin to stomp asses and take no names whatsoever. After racking up an impressive 32,000 gold bounty I realize that the ones that I need to surrender aren't surrendering. Blind with rage I remove all weapons and armor and use nothing but shouts and fistee-cuffs on the whole of the Imperial guard.

3. The following entry isn't so much my death, but of those close to me. Following a Thieves Guild quest I come into possession of a horse named Frost. He's nice enough, and has ancestry papers linking him back to Odin's 8-legged octohorse to boot. Also, he can probably do algebra. Ill content to have a horse named after 99 goddamn percent of the environment I rechristen him Jeffy. As horses in this game will fight with you despite all good sense dictating otherwise I tend to leave my mount a good ways off from battle if I can help it. After preparing in this fashion I come across just under a dozen Forsworn, and engage them. To my horror I watch as Jeffy storms into battle against 2 Forsworn mages while I am busy with the remainder.

My second sobering moment of sadness came outside the town of...Morag? The dwarven one. Whatever. I walk up to a man with a dog and start chatting him up. To my surprise and happiness, he'll sell me the dog for 500 clams. Before so much as a second goes by I am the proud new owner of a canine companion. For the sake of storytelling, let's call him Jeffy 2. Knowing full well that I am going to be involved in some pretty serious shit I take Jeffy 2 to my home and instruct him to stay the fuck there and continue being alive. Apparently this didn't sit well with him because my very next fast travel apparently included one human and one carry on, and before I could fast travel out and undo the damage? Boom, dragon. Ignoring all good common sense, Jeffy 2 valiantly defended a master that didn't need defending, and perished in a gout of dragon's flame.

Congratulations Skyrim, you have ensured I will never buy another goddamn animal ever in you. You're not going to see me shed manly tears again you fucker.

4. Drunk on grief and rage, I decree that the very next, the very next goddamn thing to cross my path will die a thousand agonizing deaths I crest a hill and come to the town of Riften. Every resident falls to my blade, including the one person in the town who is immortal. Unrelenting in my assault, I pound his ass like a soup kitchen Christian until my One handed weapon skill goes from 81 to 100. Yes, I made him my training dummy. Fuck you, Jarl Whatsyourname.


There, I started. Y'alls turn.
 
My entry for the "Killed because of the most inane thing"

Doing the bee hive torching Thieves Guild mission, after I got the third one it was like a chain reaction of ALL of the guards on those islands charging me. So I swam like crazy for the opposite shore. No sooner did I make landfall than did I hear the rhythmic beating of a dragon's wings, and their doom calling roar. This particular dragon was a fire breather, but it kept getting attacked by MORE random spawns in the forest. A few bandits, some wolves, until it finally hit this wooden fort. Meanwhile I'm chasing after it and peppering the scaly beast with arrows. As the thing came back from the wooden fort I heard a different sort of thumping, I turned just in time to see a giant heading my way. Thus began the giant kite only to have the dragon, who was almost dead because of myself and the many other random things it had attacked, start attacking the giant. Taking that moment I began to tear into the giant as quickly as possible for I knew giants can kill no name dragons with ease. I had the behemoth down to 10% or so health, and I turned to avoid one of it's super strikes.

That was the moment I heard a menacing bleat, my death was upon me.

I was head butted by a random goat and stopped in my tracks, just in time for the giant to bounce me off the ground and 300 feet in the air.

Thus is the story of how a goat was my doom.
 
But let's take a positive tone, shall we? "Most Ridiculous VICTORY!"

I'm walking along jauntily, hunting bears for shits and giggles when all of a sudden the a flipping dragon appears out of no where. Now what do I, low on arrows and not wanting to go have a fighting party with the dragon as a squishy assassin, do? Time to pull out the powers. Using the Wood Elf Control power, I controlled a bear, sending it forward to be my greatest weapon. BEAR VS. DRAGON BRO. Because of said bear my life was spared and the dragon was killed.

FUS ROH DAH
 
I have to say that seeing Beaks' death log on facebook every day has made me kinda want this game...
 
So I decided to say screw the main quest, only did enough to buy a house in Whiterun, which is now fully furnished. Hooray.

Went walking around everyone on foot like an idiot because I didn't know they provided carriages. Encountered a lich that dealt 90% of my health per fireball. Ran away from there, still haven't been back. Further along, got killed by the same spider 8 times before deciding it was better to just run past it.

The bee hive thieves guild quest, did that without killing anyone thanks to my awesome sneaking skills. Ninja rolled past a guard, through a very well lit area. I went right in front of his face and a candle was right next to me. He thought he 'heard' something and I lost him by staying still under the stairs. Huzzah high sneak.
 
As a heads up Dwarven Steam Centurion Guardians suck.... a lot. My first encounter with one last night involved me weeping as i ran back and forth behind a pillar for 10 minutes pelting it with Nightingale Bow arrows :(
 
[h=6]Skyrim Death Log, Ludicrous Speed Edition:

1. What kills me more than anything combined on the continent of Skyrim now? After the main quest is cleared and I can quite literally SUMMON A DRAGON and STOP TIME by yelling? Hardware lockups. Yessir, ol' Bethesda still hasn't quite gotten the hang of making their games less prone to crashing completely, and while I consider myself a lenient person...t...his has to stop guys.

Serious. You've been making crash-happy games since Oblivion, continued it into Fallout 3, Fallout New Vegas, and hell if memory serves even Morrowind locked up more than a paraplegic prom date. As it stands a game glitch has barred me from finishing the Dark Brotherhood quests, so a little cooperation would be dandy.[/h]
 
Shadowwind said:
As a heads up Dwarven Steam Centurion Guardians suck.... a lot. My first encounter with one last night involved me weeping as i ran back and forth behind a pillar for 10 minutes pelting it with Nightingale Bow arrows :(
Click to expand...

They have a hard time hitting you if you wedge yourself between pillars and such, just get out of their horrible-rape-radius and they're cake. The ones that really creep me out/piss me off are the Charus things that like to hang out with the Falmer down in those ruins. Nothing like hearing the clack-clack-clack of a horrible poison centipede tank when you're low on health.
 
The Hic-hic-hiccuping Skyrim Starts of Moi

1. The fearless Nord mage, with his handsome beard, survived until somewhere around level seven. I joined the College of Winterhold, I did some quests, I discovered that the Fire spell was pretty awesome when there also happened to be orange-tinged purple pools of oil coating the floors, and I developed a supreme dislike for my fellow spellcaster. The wisdom of NPC warding and flesh-strengthening spells undid my marvelous concoction of weak destruction spells and underdeveloped dragon shouts. I eventually threw up my hands and despaired.

2. The nameless, equally fearless, terribly short-lived Nord warrior did not grow any levels because I realized, a few minutes into playing, that his facial features did not please me greatly enough. He was scrapped.

3. The foolishly fearless Nord warrior (noticing a trend?) plucked up some light armor and hared off to join the Stormcloaks. Dear me, they certainly are a bunch of xenophobic racists, but they sure do have a lenient policy about paperwork. Wearing studded armor, smithing up a storm, smacking people with my shield and sword, and generally making dragons feel bad about themselves whenever they had the temerity to actually land, this dude lasted all the way to level seventeen. He may have lasted longer if I had not grown disenchanted with the ugliness of the light armor options in the later game. My interest waned when I realized that Elven armors looked as terrible as in Oblivion, glass looked hilariously horrific, and dragonscale appeared to be a passable rendition of some Native American bone-dancing outfit. Slavering at the image of a character bedecked in ebony plate, I exited.

4. The thuggish and somewhat more tempered Nord warrior, bedecked all in plate, clink-clanked off to Whiterun. A chat with the local smith and some hammering later, I wore a full set of plate armor ... except without boots. For some reason, this oversight traumatized my sense of connection to the character (barefoot heavy armor? what?) and I savaged his save file with vicious sleepiness.

5. The somewhat less-than-heroic and identically-named Nord warrior, gussied up in banded iron armor, had a caper through a mountain pass and emerged to the west of Whiterun. Once more I approached the city and once more did I enter, only this time I proceeded to the halls of the Companions, wherein lay dudes with super cool armor. I paid my dues, did my daring deeds, and was sworn in as a shield brother. Unto me was all the glory and, flush with the success of my martial overtures, I marched my way up the hill to the greatest smith of steel in the land of Skyrim. From him did I receive a magnificent axe of superior caliber, not enchanted but certainly pretty to look at, and with coin did I buy a suit of that super cool wolf armor. Promptly did I learn, to my dismay, that Bethesda was dicking around with me. The wolf armor was only as effective as regular steel. Feeling cheated (seriously, why go through a bunch of quests and dump a pile of gold to get marginally okay armor?), I brutalized another save file and sulked off to bed.

6. A quiet and surly thief arrived at the Helgen chopping block. Sneaking through the keep, sneaking down the hill to Riverwood, sneaking around the trader's house, stealing things, getting caught, running the hell away, murdering dogs, slaying cows, pinioning chickens, he eventually made his way to Whiterun. There he was arrested. He escaped through the sewers, then got caught again trying to pickpocket a sleeping guard. Seriously, dude, the reach-around was not necessary. After serving a stint in jail, he vamoosed off to the city of Riften, where he began a life of crime which included screwing with the head of a rather attractive lowlife guarding the entrance to a Thieves' Guild locale. Eventually she died. It was (preemptive) self-defense. Sneaking not being the thing for me, once more did the executioner's axe fall upon the unwitting neck of an electronically saved file.
 
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That's why god invented the Elemental Fury shout, which at its max can let you go all hickory fuckall with arrows before whatever you're shooting at can even get close. Or go all DMC on someone with a greatsword. You know, your call.
 
Not if you're sneaky enough~

Personal favorite moment was when I managed to sneak up on a sleeping dragon by climbing down from the mountain above it... jumped on its back and killed it with one vicious stab of my dagger before it could react. Those dwarven centurions? A swift rolling sneak attack puts them down as well.

My most amusing/gruesome death was in one of those ruins full of traps. I had just avoided a pitfall trap, no problem. But, I stopped sneaking to try to climb up some rubble thinking I saw a chest up there (turns out, I didn't). That happened to be when a draugr deathlord decided to show up. Normally a swift sneak attack will handle them, but even without the element of surprise I was pretty confident, so I rushed up to do a double dagger power-attack.

He Fus-ro-dah'd me straight into the pitfall I had just avoided, where I fell to a bloody, spiky end.
 
Two builds tried here: heavy armor, smithing, enchanting, alchemy, and two handed weapons all pressed hard. At level 39 or so now, that character can simply auto-maul everything in existence. Ancient dragons actually take more then one hit, but not centurions or the like.

Then there's the destruction caster. Man they suck balls to start. Once you have double cast stun and good enchants for cost reduction though, you're a god. Nothing can get close. Perma stun groups of 3-5 without batting an eye. I kill leveled quest mobs without even trying.
 
SO FUCK. I JUST CAME TO THE REALIZATION THAT THIS GAME HAS A DASH BUTTON. THAT'S HELPFUL.

But yeah, I was staying away from the pure wizard path because
A) That's not how I roll
B) Pure casters in the Elder Scrolls series are just fucking ridiculous after 20th level.
C) All my favorite spells are gone. (Mark, Recall, Levitate, Slow Fall, Summon Bear, etc)
D) Fuck wizards.

But I find myself utilizing more and more magic in the post-campaign. Partly because Ish somehow shot up 5 levels higher than me and I'm going to catch his ass if its the last thing I do for some reason, and partly because it's just fucking funny to freeze someone solid then Fus Roh Dah them into the wild blue yonder...wondering if they're going to die or smash when they hit the ground.

Lately I've just been doing my side quests and the misc ones (due to racking up a painfully long quest roster by just running around like a psycho) and more specifically, the Daedra quests. Didn't these things used to be hard? I mean fuck, it took 20 minutes start to finish to get Azura's Star. Daedric artifacts used to be things of rare and great power...but now? Mehrune's Razor sucks, Valendrung sucks, the Ebony Blade sucks...the only one (temporarily) worth a damn is the book from Hermaeus Mora that adds 10 skill levels to the tree of your choice (Combat, Stealth, Magic).

Skyrim is leaving good and bad impressions on me, but for now I'm going to go clear out that damn quest log.
 
Beaks said:
SO FUCK. I JUST CAME TO THE REALIZATION THAT THIS GAME HAS A DASH BUTTON. THAT'S HELPFUL.

But yeah, I was staying away from the pure wizard path because
A) That's not how I roll
B) Pure casters in the Elder Scrolls series are just fucking ridiculous after 20th level.
C) All my favorite spells are gone. (Mark, Recall, Levitate, Slow Fall, Summon Bear, etc)
D) Fuck wizards.

But I find myself utilizing more and more magic in the post-campaign. Partly because Ish somehow shot up 5 levels higher than me and I'm going to catch his ass if its the last thing I do for some reason, and partly because it's just fucking funny to freeze someone solid then Fus Roh Dah them into the wild blue yonder...wondering if they're going to die or smash when they hit the ground.

Lately I've just been doing my side quests and the misc ones (due to racking up a painfully long quest roster by just running around like a psycho) and more specifically, the Daedra quests. Didn't these things used to be hard? I mean fuck, it took 20 minutes start to finish to get Azura's Star. Daedric artifacts used to be things of rare and great power...but now? Mehrune's Razor sucks, Valendrung sucks, the Ebony Blade sucks...the only one (temporarily) worth a damn is the book from Hermaeus Mora that adds 10 skill levels to the tree of your choice (Combat, Stealth, Magic).

Skyrim is leaving good and bad impressions on me, but for now I'm going to go clear out that damn quest log.
Click to expand...

Dash? Who needs dash when you have ninja roll?

As for daedric artifacts, Sanguine Rose is tougher to get and is surprisingly powerful. Very useful to have a tank in your pocket to lure dragons to the ground.
 
My first experience with a giant in Skyrim...

So I'm running along, minding my own business, killing a couple of wolves. Ya know, the usual. When all of a sudden I see a giant. I'm like oooh, thats cool lets go talk to it... Apparantly a bad idea. He literally punts me in the air for an insta kill and I dont start falling until the game starts me at my last save...

Another one...

I just got the mace of Molag Bal, which is freaking epic at my level of 13, and I find myself back in markarth. I leave and get attacked by a dragon... hmmmm... what'll I do? I attack him with the magical mace of awesome... and get eaten... I have to start back Right where I entered the house and go through all that damned talking again, although beating the priest to death twice was fun... XD
 
So, apparently the Thieves Guild are a bunch of whiners. So I was like doing this heist job and whatnot, chillaxin' in this house I'm not supposed to be in and just started slaughtering everything that came into the house - mind you this was in solitude, so there were quite some guards coming in. Alas, I bludgeoned them all and my game told me that I "killed the last witness," so obviously that meant no one knew what the fuck I had done. NO ONE.

Yet, somehow those Thieves Guild motherfuckers knew just exactly what I did and told me that "Hurr durr, you don't just go killin' people dat DBH stuffz hurr durr."

Needless to say my nord was not amused and so I slaughtered them - as far as you can slaughter some of the essential NPC - and strolled out of Riften, off into the night.

-The end.
 
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