Hare:
51/51 - Vigils at Dawn [510]
Kind of disappointed that you up and stopped posting after two turns. It feels like you're still struggling with reconciling a core identity for Kincaid with writing something you're comfortable and interested in. I can't say much to that other than: get someone to act as a genuine sounding board, bounce ideas off people other than your wall, sometimes even as much as saying things aloud can put them in new light.
Kincaid feels very much himself in this though, so I hope you're at least getting comfortable writing him as a character. Overall, your contribution to Vigils is lacking though; there's no real substance to anything he does here. It feels like I'm going to be left waiting for you to really break out with him and round out his rough edges. Here's hoping you prove me wrong with these upcoming opportunities.
Grif:
216/216 - Vigils at Dawn [1080]
Hey, more of Cassius being stuck doing things he doesn't want to! Boy do I get a feeling we're gonna be hearing this a lot from him, so I'd warn you going forward that if you're going to be basing Cassius' emotions and state of mind in this unwilling accomplice state, that you practice making some distinctions to it all. You're building up some whether or not you realize it, but I'd like you to consciously look out for the chances where they come up.
If a character is going to be in a particular stance on issues for an extended period of time, it falls to the writer to ensure it doesn't run stale. It hasn't done so with Cassius yet, but it could very easily become a trapping for you to restate the same tired notions of where Cassius is coming from each chapter and collaboration. Get used to breaking that rhythm up to keep readers in the now.
Moving on, I am really enjoying you bringing Cassius into his own with each piece that comes up. It definitely feels like you're getting more and more of a handle on what the character is about, and how he's going to function and develop as things go along. You're doing a great job highlighting his character flaws and strengths, so here's hoping you can use the rest of the Black Portal plotline to create those necessary stepping stones for whatever plans you want to cook up in the short-term.
Sev:
88/91 - Vigils at Dawn [910]
Wow, look who showed up. This is a face I can say I've missed, Artanis is just so unique compared to the rest of the cast. He's not as outright selfish or conceited as the other characters here, but there's that certain ring of bitterness that you perfected while writing Masato that just makes Artanis distinct. That subtle touch of melancholy to everything he does, and the sort of tired sluggishness he approaches everything with. Even when he steps up to bluster, you've established him in such a way that it feels less dominating and commanding than it does like a used car salesman who knows he's got no other options.
Overall, I would like you to come into the next few collabs swinging. You built slow in Vigils, and that worked for the collab, but I'd like you to really give us an exclamation point on Artanis and who he is and - seeing as he's demvir - how he got to where he is. Aside from the brief little blips in characterization that are as much you flaking off the rust as it is you trying to drive home this marginally different idea of Artanis from his inception; you did great here.
Try not to worry too much about where Artanis needs to wind up with the rest of these threads, these are some perfect opportunities to bring him into the here and now, and get comfortable and interested in how you'll establish the changes as they come.
Val:
246/246 - Vigils at Dawn [1228]
Deni took a bit of a back seat this time around, huh? I don't blame you for it, it's a nice change of pace to have Deni thoroughly taken off-guard, and it feels like you're starting to show how his experiences are beginning to shape how he approaches situations. There's a certain element of his roguishness that's missing, but it might've been difficult to really put that forward with so many characters involved in the thread.
I really do appreciate that you've slowed down this interaction between Deni and Ignis. It's far, far easier to appreciate how they complement one another now, when you use these smaller moments to build up the dynamic and relationship. I definitely, definitely want to see more of this.
There's not much for me to gripe about, so I don't think I will. It's solid work this time around, but Deni is one of the stronger characters here; let's see him make waves in the upcoming threads (pun intended).
Thana:
117/137 - Virgin Spurii-tini, Shaken or Stirred [2739]
Congratulations, you've officially done more for the Hospitium than its creator. This was... a strange collaboration to read. Everything in here moves so damn fast, there's never really a clear image of what's going on; what we are given is rather muddied and surprisingly unhelpful to the scene.
There's something to be said here for Ella's unusual characterization and the strange lack of coyness to anything she does - it's hard to tell if it's part of the character, or if you're just uncomfortable writing that sort of character - but for the most part I'd like to see you work more on establishing scenes. The first rule of creating an image of the scene is to not give details that aren't needed. The sailors are a good touch, but do we as readers need to know what they're doing? Is it not easier to let us draw conclusions as to their various states and activities? Hold back from following certain descriptions too far, it distracts from the more important pieces.
When you introduce your character, start with the face and move onto the other parts that matter. The face of a character determines everything about them: their body language, their personality, their senses and wits. You can accomplish so much of establishing a character through face alone that the rest can come naturally over a longer period of time, instead of requiring you to dump exposition on it all at once.
Try to use this partly for establishing, and partly for characterization. I never really got a good feel for what kind of person Ella was during this; she felt like a plot device for Harper to work with. An objective to be passed or failed according to his actions. Always come into things knowing that your character - whoever it is - wants something. That aside, there are few (if any) errors and most of the drawbacks of this collaboration stem from how rushed everything feels. Let's see more of this character, and what she's really about.
Guest Grader: Nargles:
213/213 - Vigils at Dawn [1067]
Oh hey not much from you is there? Dominic doesn't really need to push himself to the front, but I did find it somewhat strange that he remained level-headed throughout. I can't say I dislike you taking the opportunities to show some other sides of Dominic as a person. That said, there's a certain physicality that's lacking, and I sorely missed it. Don't forget that even if you don't want to fixate on a character's temper or mood, body language can make up that distance while letting you focus narrative elsewhere.
There's also a certain amount of Dominic taking control of a situation that I was anticipating, and didn't really see. The large number of writers is intimidating, so I can't say it's a problem, but I do hope we see that same commanding person we saw in Cinder.
Not much else to talk about here, short as it all ended up. Good work on getting people involved and interested, let's see if we can't take this all the way, yeah?
