Guys. GUYS. IS THIS CHARACTERS NAME JOHN OR JHON? Like Minja you spell it as Long Jhon. But Freckles you spell it Long John. This... concerns me because that means you guys didn’t proof the other. Like even if you’re in a collab, you need to make sure that the other person didn’t horribly mess up. Especially when it’s the name of an NPC repeated multiple times...
Okay first off, the comma is your friend. Use it. It’ll vastly improve your clarity. For example:
The strange pair had been waiting for their only contact inside the rogue mercenary group Long Jhon, (a.k.a. ‘Raptor Knight’) to return with Talon, the jungle demon, and hopefully a few other of the mercenaries.
Should be:
The strange pair had been waiting for their only contact inside the rogue mercenary group, Long Jhon,(a.k.a. ‘Raptor Knight’), to return with Talon, the jungle demon, and hopefully a few other of the mercenaries.
Note how the commas around Long Jhon (John?) emphasizes that the CONTACT is named Long Jhon (John?) . When I read it the first time without the comma, it makes it sound like the mercenary group was called Long Jhon (John?) .
Okay now for the elephant in the room. Calm down on all these epitaphs. Outside of the fact that according to a GM there’ll be actual epitaphs handed, if everyone has an epitaph it really just makes them silly last names. Also, generally, if they do have epitaphs usually they should match the character. In this collab we have The Inquisitor, The Savage Beauty, The Jungle Demon, and The Raptor Knight. It kind of sounds like you guys want to make a character edgey though the name alone. While i understand the sentiment, they mean nothing unless acted upon.
You call Aelflead “The Savage Beauty” but for a “Savage” she ends up acting pretty cool/sarcastic instead. Likewise, for an Inquisitor, HAL doesn’t seem to do much questioning or... purging of religions. Right now, these names appear only to be fluff. I don’t need you to tell me through the name that Aelflead is savage, write that out. I don’t need the name to be called a ‘beauty’, use descriptors to show that.
Content wise, this collab was a mess. Everyone seemed to be super schizophrenic for no reason whatsoever. Aelflead seemed to teeter between being sarcastic, to kind, to angry sometimes in every turn. Also, I understand that you want to keep her more as a disconnected character, the cool guy sort of archetype. However... at some points it gets very flat and uninteresting. It’s fine centering a character around a specific mood or way of thought, but so far it’s been very one-dimensional and I do not get a feel for who Aelflead is outside of caricature.
Now, I’m going to level with you for a moment Minja. That last thing and the spelling notes are not new things I’ve told you. I graded you in HD, I now grade you in PT. This has been repeated for months, probably even a year. I can’t make you improve, that’s something you have to do yourself. What you write right now does not captivate me. I see the same mistakes week after week and I’m just doing motions for these reviews. You need to step it up if you want to really hear some new feedback. writing. This is the reason your grade for this is so low. I see no change, I have not seen an improvement. That tells me that you do not value this critique, nor do you value your own writing.
Read other people’s writing, not just from the RP. Read some classics, read some popular authors, as people in chat for book recommendations. See how they structure their prose, figure out what creates a captivating narrative. Likewise, read things from the RP from the more experienced writers. Your issues stem from the core of your writing, and I honestly feel as if you need to reflect on what you plan on doing.
How to solve problems, get belligerently drunk. Anyway, nice short chapter to tie up the time between big plot moments. I do like how Ai realized that she was acting different. That shows a nice character quirk outside of just being caustic for caustic sake. My one quip was on the speed the drunk conversation went. I find it a bit weird that Ai didn’t take a bit longer to realize that she was acting different. I know that Lex probably have clout enough in her life to make the change, but it seemed rather abrupt. The development is great, just be careful to build it slowly and not just heel-face turn it.
Seeing that these are neatly chronological, I’m just going to tackle them as a whole. Firstly, congrats on Vistra acquisition! But really, the narrative you and Colin created really is a model to how these arcs should go. Keyword being ARC. Essentially, making this arc an entire novel gives the power a lot of value. It’s the bankai arcs I’ve always wanted but never had.
Anyway, as for the actual encounter amazing job. First Colin, great job writing the vistra as a really credible threat, but not hogging the spotlight. In the end, this was Keydis’ fight and she really shone through it. It balanced the emotional aspect with the action and I never felt overwhelmed by each. You two played up the tension, and for quite a while I thought she was going to fail. The touches like what the crew was saying, the rather malevolent personality of the darn thing, and blood and sweat fight Keydis put up definitely made this one of the best things I’ve read in either RP.
The personal chapter half of the piece added some much needed quiet after the action half. Caeancora is really quite dark, and the emotional torment was rather distrubing at points. The only quip I have is that I wish that the chapter would have slowed down a bit. Keydis’ sudden resolve one shotting the thing was quite fast after the slow-boil emotional attack earlier. It by no means ruined the piece, just felt a bit whiplashed.
Finally, Victory: Loss was rather aptly named and a great moment for Annora and Keydis. I’m quite pleased that Annora acted like she did. It was realistic and as weird as it sounds, the fact it ended on a depressing note only strengthened the dynamic between Annora and Keydis. I loved the fact that neither Keydis or Annora acted out of character just to end it with their characters liking each other. The two probably have quite a bit of nonsense to sort out after this.
Now go hookshot some bitches.
