Grading Session for Week 216

[mitsuhito]

Group 2 -> Group 1 -> Group 6 -> Group 3 -> Group 4 -> Group 5 -> Group 2

Group 1: Will: 1st / 5th Divisions
Group 2: Lil: 3rd / 7th / 10th / Quincies
Group 3: Kago: 8th Division
Group 4: Beaks: 11th / 4th Divisions
Group 5: Tits: 12th Division / Vizards
Group 6: Sev: AHs
​

If you are listed as the default grader, you are responsible for making sure grading is completed by the deadline.
If you cannot do so, you must appoint someone else to do so. If they accept, the grading must still be completed by the deadline.
Graders may now give out up to 100 Kan to reward effective training collabs.

Deadline is 11:59:59 pm, EST, 3/20/2012
​

 

[mitsuhito]

Hmmkay, first time doing this so be nice to me, will you?
Tod will grade group 5 as much as I have heard (except for Tag, this honor goes to me Wohoo^^), so all links go to him.



Tag:


The Possession of Another
[123/123]

Woah, woah, woah that was interesting, this much that I even read your previous pieces of this arc (I admit, not all though, only 011-end of week 212^^) . So Touru... ehm... I mean Atisha sold her soul, her possessions and ... we will just say, I know what you did there ;-)

The story had a very nice flow to it and I really like your way of precisely describing things instead of just telling the reader something happened ("...setting two pretty, though somewhat faded cups with flower patterns on the table.” ). This really helps the reader to get dragged into it. Additionally, you are able to breathe life into even your slightest NPC, only spicing your stories even more.

In terms of spelling or grammar errors, I only found maybe a handful and I don't think those were enough to actually cut points off. Tod will hand out the Division bonus, so wait for him to be done grading.

Overall, nicely done, more of it!^^

(PS: Better late then never: Herzlichen Glückwunsch zum GeburtsTAG <---couldn't resist^^)

 

[Isaaru]

[ group 4 writes hard, yo! ]

Hey again, guys!

I will be handling grades for Week 216!

And if I miss anything because some of you didn't send me the links,

it's ttly Kagos fault!!

My links for my graderrr:

the step in
how to win friends and influence people
the coming storm

Let's get cracking...

[ Blood Templar ]


[ Sir Beaks ]

​

[ The Coming Storm_80/81]

Tsubaki really played the eloquent card here and claimed for herself the loyalty of her underlings. She tossed the right dose of emotions, even though she was somewhat tendentious on her point of view. She also was not quite clear on her plans, as the reason for the presence of the Eleventh in Rukongai - for the soldiers - remained a bit vague.


[ How to Win Friends and Influence People_112/112]

It was really interesting to see the many colors of Tsubaki in this event. From the polite diplomat to the ravenous dragon that would threaten the law itself. We had some tense moments there. I was seeing her jump at the judges’ throats. Still, I believe that things would have turned out better if Tsubaki didn’t play the threaten-with-mindless-war-hounds card, at least so soon. She quite contradicted herself, pledging to protect the lives of her people at all costs, but at the same time she would set them on loose on rampage, making them very likely to die. I understand how desperate and furious she was, but I think she shot her own foot. Nevertheless, the way you expressed her frustration and sadness at the end was very strong.

You get 100 points of Division Bonus!

[ Sir Crys ]
​

[ The Coming Storm_34/34]

Tetsuo’s presence in this one did not need to be aloud and extensive in this episode to make a difference. It was really sharp and neat the way he questioned Tsubaki, calling out for the mutual respect and relationship they shared.


[ Within the Pretenses of Our Psyches_130/133]

The first thing I noticed in this collab was how well it flowed. You two had a great synergy in your writing and it could be felt along the read; no style clash was felt or what-so-ever. It was an interesting unexpected rendezvous that started in a polite - even charming - conversation and kinda turned in a wasp talk. I just felt that it dragged itself a bit in the details. But, oh, well. When do they get married? 6.6

[ Sir Wayne ]

​

[ The Coming Storm_29/30]

Kyuketsu seems to have a silent, strong and unquestionable loyalty for his Captain. It was nicely pictured. Still, I think that he could have been more present.

[ Sir Shun ]
​

[ The Coming Storm_50/50]

Ryo had the right tone and the right kind of presence in this event. I liked the way you interacted with the other members of the division and the plot-wise depth you gave within his thoughts.

[ Sir Albus ]

​

[ The Coming Storm_32/35]

It was interesting to see Zak's fierce point of view and Spartan loyalty to his Captain, but I think that here was an attempt to over bad-ass’ing him. The read was smoother and I didn’t find any big grammar stumble worth mentioning, still there were some crispy sentences.

[ Honorable Healers ]

[ Sir Dipper ]

​

[ How to Win Friends and Influence People_7/7] <.<

I kinda laughed at Shizuru’s blunt disdain. Nicely portrayed, indeed. Now you should write moar, aye?
​

[ Guest Grader ]

[ Sir Ganner ]

​

[ Mind like a glass box_49/52]

This personal chapter was cleaner and neater than the last one. It was short and quick, but we could get a good picture of Tod’s bafflement at seeing his zanpakutou spirit’s manifestation. I think that he overreacted a big little. There were some crispy sentence formation, specially in the first paragraph.


[ Maybe Not the Best of Plans_54/60]

From the point of view of construction and reading flow, it was a very nice piece, indeed. I also think that is very interesting to see different factions interact, tossing at each other different points of view, of interest, of existence itself. You played that nicely, but I still think that it was a bit of the problem the once you did last week as Aya-chan had; it became too "casual” and did not portray the depth that the Vizard subject deserves. Also, as a former writer of an assassin, I think that Tod was too honest and willing to submit himself and his secrets to Cerberus, in exchange of a favor. Assassins are meant to be cunning snakes, so they will trick, cheat, backstab and play the way around their goals. As said before, you need to be RAWR sometimes!


[ To Control the Uncontrollable, Together for once (part 1)_72/75]

The somewhat casual meeting between Tod and Mitsu was nicely done, with a well driven jovial mood. I think that is very interesting how (grand)fatherly Grey Man acts towards the youngsters and how its rubs them the wrong way. Just mind a bit the tone of the dialogues, and characters speech, specially between close friends. Sometimes doesn’t feel authentic and laid back as it should.

You get50points of Division Bonus! for there was an improvement!

... and this was Week 216, beeotches!!



​

 

[Ganner Rhysode]

Since Tits is still MIA, as far as I know at least, I'm grading for those that remain ungraded for group 5, which consists of Mitsu... where are you other twelfthies? where you at guyzorz?...

oh yeah... and Mango... XD

Guten Tag(Lol, Betchu never heard that one before XD:

Like Mitsu said he's taking care of you for this week. XD

+100 Div Bonus for being a victim of random grading!

Mitsu-ness:

+50 Div Bonus for helping me with grading this week XD

Total Scoring: [??/75]

Temper Temper

[??/75]

This was a fun collab, sorry it was slow for a while there. I didn't really see the usual errors, although my advice mighta messed up your writing for a bit. Ahh well, good writing overall Mitsu.

As per usual, I can't grade you for something I worked on. So you get the same grade I get on this, which prolly means you're gonna get less then a 100% on this. XD


Guest Grade: Das Mango:

Total Score: [166/166]

Screams:

[52/52]

I liked this collab, it shows that Lilith actually has a soul( Hard to find in attractive young lads and lasses). Neither you nor Rawb broke character the entire collab and there were no errors that jumped out at me here. Anyway, I like how empathetic Lilith is becoming and how she refuses to use her powers for evil. Good job here.

Beddie Bye, Night Time:

This was a good collab, I liked the whole Lilith/Lucas dynamic going on there. There was only one mistake I noticed and it was the simple use of a space bar to correct it. No points taken off for such a wonderful read. Thank you, mango, for entertaining me once again.

[114/114]

For My lovely grader in the 4th, whoever it turns out to be this week XD

1 pchap:

Mind Like a Glass Box:

and 2 collab's

Maybe Not the Best of Plans: Co Starring Ciro Martelli

and

Controlling the Uncontrollable: Co Starring Mitsuhito Honokaguchi.

 

[Time Lady Katie]

Evidently I only have Doc this week? Kago has the rest.

Doc
We really should collab again. Especially if any of this week made it into anyone's formal reports.

One for the Road
Man, with you, Pho and I the Eighth certainly has a habit for disharmony between shinigami and zanpakutou, but it was nice to see the two of you agree on something. As for the content, it always impresses me the length a smoker will go to to replenish his supply; a dedicated people, smokers. There were a few instances of wording that was either awkward stylistically or accidently, and I wasn’t sure which, but the flow and story were interesting.
133/135

Problems and Solutions
Self-Sealing Stem Bolts, you say? Keiji can get quite a supply from this guy I know...
Anyway, I like the Ninth kid, not just because you kept an old character alive as an NPC but because he seems fun. A lot of fun. As for Gorou, don’t’ worry. Adelaide’s never used her soul phone either. I don’t know if she realizes it’s a communication device.
Any issues with the mechanical aspect of the writing were more than made up for by the strength of the narrative.
200/200

 

[Nargles]

Grades up, you three split the division bonus. Kago if you wrote PM/IM me your links plz.

Moony
Surveillance - [50/50]

Not gonna lie, writing about your character through another one in a report style is kind of inceptiony. Anyway, well written chapter. Poor Zakki, having all these people keep doing surviellance on him to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid, or to find out why he did something stupid. This chapter was well written an it's interesting to see how far this observation will end up going.​

Val
Internal Rage Exposed - [76/78]

Just a few off vocab choices but nothing much. Anyway, well written chapter. I'm finding it lulzy that Shuku is using HM as a safety bubble for him, though it is quite effective. Also, yay bankai arcs, hopefully he manages to find those vizards fast so he can start getting a bankai. More Bankai's in cerb the better~​

Raph
Damnation [156/158]

GUESS WHO FINALLY WROTE D< But, these chapters were good plot introductions. I know you took matters into your own hands for this one, so both of the chapters came out really good. I know you have plans for this so I'm ready to see how it turns out. Just a few points because in your first chapter, as the chapter progressed, it did get a bit stretched out prose wise.​

Kago
Experience [58/61]

Gosh, just had to beat the shit out of everyone in that collab. Anyway, well done, you managed to keep the flow of the fight going without too much dialog stretching the entire thing out. The only thing I saw were some lolnope responses to attacks coming at Kago. I know you're like 4 times stronger but I honestly thought some of the attacks would be harder to get around.​

To Grader: http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?35828-C-12th-V-Week-216-Maybe-Not-the-Best-of-Plans

 

[Kago]

Yes, Katie. I graded on Monday instead of Tuesday. Surprised?

Ahem!

First off, news from Sene: He's still dealing with the repairs to his house so if you have any collabs with him, don't expect turns until next week (at the earliest). If you have any super-mega-uber important questions for him, reach out to me and I'll get the message to him.

Next, put your writing caps on. For all the hard work and consistent writing that I have been seeing from all of you, I have decided to buy a Super Division Bonus (SDB) for Week 217 (the current writing week). What that means is all grades (chapters and collab, plus division, staff, and grading bonuses) for 8thies in Week 217 will be doubled, but this does not stack with Newbie, collab, another SDB, or plot bonuses. (See http://www.mangaden.net/forum/market.php?do=storecat&storeid=1 for more details).

Finally, if there is interest, I will start up a all 8th (minus Sene) vs. Kago collab. I promise not to kill anyone (coughKatiecough), plus it will give you the chance to finally test out your best techniques. Send me a PM if you would like to have the chance to beat up the source of all your troubles, failures, and blames.

P.S. To the rest of RP, no NPCs will be allowed in the 8th collab.



Pho

The Value of Experience

Grade: 61/61
Comments:

What can I say about Pho in this collab? hmmm... I think you did good job portraying the confusion and anger/pain/hurt that Udo felt when his vice-captain just started beating the crap outta them. I was a little sad that Kago didn't get to see Space Rachet (DAMN Collars!), but maybe next time... Hopefully, you/Udo will be interested in teaming up with the rest of the division in order to get some revenge.

Btw, there will be an immediate follow up collab for Kago to explain the method to his madness.

Take +75 div bonar for being a good punching bag



Katie

The Value of Experience

Grade: 61/61
Comments:

ooh-ehm-gee. Addie is such a drama queen. Thinking she's going to die from a simple little stab to the stomach... Gosh... I mean it's not like Kago got stabbed in the chest twice by Moira and was left to crawl from her office to the hospital or anything... XP

Anyway, I think the only thing that kinda threw me off in this collab was how Adelaide thought that she was going to beat the crap outta Kago when her zan was still stuck in her sheathe. This cocky mentally, in my mind, only sounds plausible against Kago because he constantly uses Rei no Sep to cloak his rei. Otherwise, it makes Adelaide seem ignorant to the strength of a captain class fighter (and former captain). Just my opinion, not a fact.


How To...

Grade: 70/70
Comments:

Preface this comment by saying that this is only my opinion. Since Dippy and I have not finished the revamp and guidelines for C46/nobles, none of this would have been known prior to this collab, so 'my bad'.

Typically, the judges of the C46 (#41-46) are the main instigators of the discussion and are the most important members there. The wise men (#1-40) are more to help weigh the benefits/risks of something and contribute minimally. The higher the number, the more prominent they are within the court. Someone like #12 might occasionally address a comment made by 'guests' in the court, but usually tend to remain silent and only speak to other members, if at all. In the collab, you had #12 almost arguing with Tsubaki. While this is not unheard of, it would hinder her climb up the ladder, so to speak. Again, this is my opinion.

Outside of that, you had the right idea in RPing a c46 member. kudos!


For What the Caged Bird Sings

Grade: 83/84
Comments:

Ooh, its so nice when Kago's former subordinate and his new subordinate play nice nice. I'll skip over the reference to meeting with Ishin since you already informed me about it.

It's good to see that both Igasho and Adelaide played off the connection between them (Kago) so much in this collab. It made me, as a reader, see that these are people, not just some characters that people are writing to fit into the situation. Too many times I read two characters having a random encounter with no reason; this, however, brings an underlying connection to the surface without beating the reader over the head with it. Good job!

On a different note, you missed a " at the beginning of a paragraph. Lately, I haven't been harping on about grammar too much, but it threw the whole paragraph off (thought it was internal until I finished it).


Take +100 vc bonar for grading.


Doc

Katie graded you, but take +75 div bonar for massive amounts of writing from you.


Guest Grader: Isaaru

The Step In

Grade: 51/52
Comments:

Nice all around chapter. You had a good build-up in the beginning to pull readers in and then delievered a heavy cliffhanger at the end to leave me wanting more. Now I need to read next week to see if Hinome's grandfather is harassed.

On a grammatical note:
"In her intimate, she feared that they recognized her and could direct any kind of reprisal towards Yoshi-jiichan. "
Not sure what you were trying to say there.


The Coming Storm

Grade: 86/86
Comments:

I thought you did a great job portraying Hinome's range of emotions. From getting to see her idol in person to fighting her nature in deciding whether to follow that idol. Bravo! Way to remain in character and make me feel what she was feeling.


How To...

Grade: 87/87
Comments:

Again, I think you hit the nail on the head with #41's portrayal. Finding the persona of a character and fleshing it out in a few paragraphs seems to be your fortay. Be looking for changes coming for C46/Nobles in the next two weeks.

Also, let me know if you want/plan on writing #41 moving forward.




My Link:

[8th/8th/8th] Week 216: The Value of Experience

 

[swaswj]

Hare - 166/174

Overall, you did a good job playing 43. I like the fact that toward the end, you struck a slightly more logical tone than some of the other RPers. The C46 tends to manipulate events to get the results they want, so it should be clear to them when to cut their losses and stop pursuing a lost cause.

The collab with Nana was a little confusing. I feel like perhaps you're using God Hand as a shortcut to writing details rather than just as a shortcut to creating things. Since it draws heavy inspiration from it, compare it to FMA and how transmutations tend to be animated and how ornate that they usually end up. Using your ability should give you more to write about, not less. The plot was also kind of rushed in here, with Haresuno pointedly avoiding giving any real details after spending more time explaining why he might not be able to trust Nana. It's a little contradictory.

How to Win Friends (1353) 66/68
Painted Futures (4235) 100/106
​

Fin - 60/73

There was a very distant feel to this chapter. Description was... not there. At this point, the only thing I know is that Charles has red eyes, black hair, and black-rimmed glasses. I don't know what LS looks like, I don't know what Macer looks like, I don't know what the super car or any other car looks like, I don't even know what the terrain looks like.

There are guards... but what kind you don't say. There were other drivers, but they disappeared. The nameless, faceless passenger was killed without any sort of fanfare.

I know your writing is light years ahead of this, so it really feels like this is just a passing idea that you didn't feel compelled to turn into a complete story. I'd like to be able to follow this a little closer, get deeper into the action and details.

Speed (1461) 60/73
​

Hiren - 50/60

Okay, so... this was extremely nonchalant for what it was. Tod somehow decides that the only thing he can do is ask for a meeting with the all-out leader of Cerberus, straight out tell him he's a shinigami, and a vizard, and ask for a pit session. Ciro, for his part, rather than finding this odd or suspicious at all, just decides, "Yeah, okay, talk to this guy." I feel like there's a lot missing here, a lot more intrigue that could have gone into this, and perhaps a bit more caution from both sides when discussing things that not everyone should know.

Slight stylistic note, too: I can understand that Ciro has been around and might know the terms shinigami and reiatsu/reishi. However, if he's always called something potentiated or thanatoresonance, wouldn't that be what he still calls them?

Maybe not the Best of Plans (2393) 50/60
​

 

[lilmangoseed]

Group 2 Grading:
To ensure order, the grading queue for the week will be posted at this link:
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/...MamFjaGc#gid=0
If one of your pieces are missing, feel free to add it to the list.
Note that you will not be graded if your writing is not included.

Also, Bob will be grading Ketch and Will this week.

​

10^th Division Announcements
Unfortunately, I don't have time to do your stats this week. But you three are big boys. I trust you'll be able to do them. <3
​

__________________________________________________
​

10th Division

Bob – 114 + 100 VC

Whoo-hoo! Part 1 is done. Now Lucas just needs to learn 3 more techniques and get out of the hospital. Slow progress is still progress though, right? Anyhoo, there were less run-ons here, so I'm glad that has shown improvement.

Bedside – 114/114
​

Celly – 217 + 30 Div

First chapter was your usual outstanding writing. I'm so glad you told me wth is happening in your chapters, otherwise I would've been really @_@ when reading this. I'm so excited to see how your plot is progressing, especially with the old captains resurfacing. xD

The second chapter was also okay. I really enjoy the introduction of your Eighth Division NPC. There's a lot of potential here to develop Celly alongside a character with problems. But in my opinion, some of the content of the conversation was too vague. I felt that it would have been stronger if Celly had more concrete responses like, "to protect insert answer here... preserve insert another answer here." But nonetheless, well done, and I'm looking forward to how the story will progress.

Please post your stats in darkorchid.

Splinter Twin – 138/138
Advice – 79/80
​

Thread – 52 + 15 Div

I'm really glad to see Hisoka's growth, but unfortunately, I have to say that I was pretty disappointed with this shikai chapter. A zan spirit is supposed to say a great deal about a character, expressing the character's deepest levels all the way to their core. Also, obtaining shikai is supposed to be one of the greatest accomplishments of a shinigami's life, not just a weird tingling feeling that they want to figure out. I hope you'll develop Hisoka's relationship with his zan more because this, sadly, felt rushed and skipped over.

Training – 52/57
​

3rd Division

Rob – 629+ 30 Div

First chapter in the Veil series was great. It's a shame this never got where it intended to go. But nonetheless, you did a good job of turning your initial turn into a chapter. I really like the relationship with Mari and Nana. In fact, it seems much more natural to me than Kaede and Mari ever were, haha.

As for the rest of the series, I just want to say thank you. Really, you could have easily written a lame shikai chapter. But you developed Nana, had Lex Talionis reflect Nana's struggles, and really gave purpose for obtaining a release. And you did that even though you're more than 30k. Well done. And btw, I really like the slight malevolence you exhibit through Lex Talionis. Very cool, especially given all that vizard drama she's going through.

I also really enjoyed the Michiko chapter. She seems like a really interesting character with great potential to explore. I hope to see more of her. There seems like a lot of dark secrets in the Amaterasu household... dun dun dunn. Even the father is someone I look forward to seeing more of, since his dominating personality is clearly a major figure that directed the girls' lives. One spot was contradictory to me though: "trademark soft manner, no hint of her usual sharp edge to it." So how does she typically speak?

Your collab with me was fun. Nana is kind of hot and cold though, huh? It's a shame we couldn't get more out of this conversation. Perhaps the two will trust each other more with time.

...And in contrast, Nana is super warm with Hare. Which... was strange, to be honest. I sort of understand because they experienced a secret, intense, notebook drama together. But I think you might have pushed it too far. Also, LOL on Nana randomly announcing her homosexuality to Iida.

Your collab with Crys was also really enjoyable. I like their interaction, and though this is the first time that Nana and Crys met, they seem to understand each other on a deeper level. They were able to allude to many topics – darkness, motivations, purpose – without opening up their heart and souls. It kind of felt like a game of chess with lots of strategizing and careful diction. Well-played.

Finally, good job on your collab with Ketch. I have to say, if there's one awesome quality about your indecisiveness, it's your ability to weave so many plots together. I'm excited that you're getting Manzou involved in this. Also, I appreciate that we're actually looking at the history of a noble family – a topic that's not nearly explored enough.

Veil of Darkness – 237/239
Disowned Heir – 24/25
Unheard Scream – 52/52
Painted Futures – 103/106
Pretense – 133/133
Forgotten Steel – 80/80
​

Ketch – ___

Sorry your grades aren't up yet, babe. Bob is taking care of you this week. Good job on your collab with Rob though!


​

7th Division

Cad – 177+ 30 Div
+ 100 Kan

YUI LIVES! Lol, seriously, good job on your chapters. I'm impressed by your ability to write action sequences. Your tempo is great. Imagery is clear. Take 100 Kan for trying to kick assassin butt back into gear. And oh man, what is 12^th supposed to do without Igasho? Get your butt out of the 7^th...

...Because playing word games with Addie is less useful. But still fun. Igasho was really cool and collected during this piece. I appreciate your ability to restrain Igasho so well – neither saying too much nor expressing excessive degrees of emotion. You write a good harsh-but-helpful-tutor-that-needs-to-behave-while-he's-in-prison character.

God's Work – 94/94
Caged Bird – 83/84



​

Guest Grader:

Will – ___

Sorry, boss. Bob is grading you this week. Idk if he has your links, so you might want to double-check with him.
​

 

[Tenchra]

Hokay! I am finishing some grades my dear Mango. 'Cause she asked me to.
​

Ketch: 279 + 30 Div Bonus

Alright, this is the first time I have had to read your work Ketch. Honestly I feel a little disappointed. I expected very good work from you, but from reading the first few chapters I did not feel like I was reading a story, more so that I was reading a biography. At times you had good flow between paragraphs whcih made it feel like it was dragging me into the story and then suddenly it was as if it was a list of what was happening with no flow between the words. Here is an example...

Without noticing it, Ayame had flash-stepped to the ground, snatched the child being pursued by the Hollow, and moved back just outside the Senkaimon.

This sentence right here reads to me as if it was like this.
​

• 
  [*=1]She Flash Stepped
  
  [*=1]Grabbed Child
  
  [*=1]avoided hollow
  [*=1]and retreated back to the gate
  

There was little to no connection between those three actions. I guess the best metaphor to use for some of your work is you have speed bumps on the road. Goes smoothly, then all of sudden it slows down. Try and be less like a neighborhood road and more like the highway in the country. Smooth flow with nothing to slow you down.

The over arching plots to your work, are good. I like those, so keep the good ideas flowing.

Raze: 72/77
Road: 130/135
Ashes: 75/80​

Will: 70/70

It was interesting to read this thread and see what happens when the two forces collide. I kind of loved your work in this but I also kind of felt odd about it. Tsubaki came to this to try and get some of the restrictions removed for all of us, and Sayis was there for moral support as you stated. As Tsubaki and the C46 bicker at each other and after Tsubaki reveals her secret and watches the reaction of the judges. Sayis goes ape shit and rips each one a new asshole, verbally. You basically ended it with 'fuck this shit, I'm done". While the whole scene was awesome to read it felt odd to me that someone there for moral support would burst like that. Obviously I took no points off for any of it, but this is my own personal views.

C46: 70/70
​