Alright
Group 3. I have a new proposition for you: Since we have just added a handful of people to our little grading family, I’m feeling generous. Therefore, I am willing to use my remaining kan (1300) to contribute to another Super Div Bonus (SDB) for writing
Week 220. That means the rest of you would have to come up with the rest of the amount (1200). With 5 of you receiving grades this week, and a few more of you reading this message, wishing you had written... if 6 of you send me 200 kan, we can get the SDB.
If you don’t like the idea of other people reaping the benefits of your kan, look at it like this: for 250 kan you only get 1 collab grade doubled;
200 kan will get all your writings (not just 1 collab) and bonuses DOUBLED.
(Note: if we do not accumulate the 2500 kan for the bonus, all kan will be returned to you. Just PM me with a message saying the amount you sent me when you donate it.
To send kan to me, click "Currency” at top of forums page. Click on "Kan”. Then click "Change” next to the "To Account” and enter "Kago”. Type the amount and under "Optional Note” put your name and amount, just so I have a record.)
With all that taken care of, time for grades!
NOTE: Doc, Katie, Tom, Valero, Mits.... each of you take +30 div bonus for writing this week.
Doc
Let’s Start a Fight
Grade: 151/152
Comments:
I like seeing how Gorou’s samurai days are bleeding into his afterlife. Too few people actually have aspects of their previous life affecting Soul Society. It’s a refreshing sight.
A few parts of the chapter threw me off though.
"Like a bear preparing to attack did the redhead cry out, blade raised with both hands in preparation to swing down upon its grizzled prey.”
This line seemed to disrupt the flow of your paragraph. Not only is the wording different from the rest of your paragraph, the stylistic design of it doesn’t match up with the rest of your chapter. Although it is a proper structuring, it was the wrong choice in this case.
"To compound his thinning g nerves, a familiar man stood at the front of the group.”
Just a simple typo.
Katie
Hell is Other People
Grade: 132/133
Comments:
So you and I had plenty of discussions around Adelaide’s actions and your writing in this collab via IM (while we wrote it). I’ll just touch on a major point I’d like you to consider:
Adelaide’s perspective:
I’ll start off by saying; the creator of a character should know its inner working/nuisances/etc. better than anyone else. I believe by limiting your character to focusing only on one issue they have with the other person in a collab is dangerous/breaks the realm of plausibility of the writing.
Take ‘Adelaide’s finding out Senesati and Sayis are former assassins’ as an example. Even after we discussed it, your writing did not convey the seriousness of that discovery. You’ve built up Adelaide’s hatred for assassins and clearly expressed it through her interactions and inner monologues with/about Kago and other 12thies. When Kago ends up telling you the truth about two men she highly respects, you jump straight into her not accepting it.
She couldn’t take the news about Sayis or Senesati while fighting with Kago,
She couldn’t take the news about Sayis or Senesati...
Now, although this is a response to hearing the news, I feel like there could’ve been other, more appropriate responses to it. Adelaide could have denied it outright, especially considering how they were arguing and she doesn’t trust him, and then decide to confirm the information later. Or even more shock/awe/surprise would’ve made it more plausible. As it stands, I felt like it didn’t seem to be as an impactful moment as her persona and the situation built towards.
I’m sure you’ll be addressing this information and its aftermath in subsequent chapters, so I look forward to reading it. As always, this is merely my opinion so you can take it as you choose.
Collision Detection
Grade: 54/56
Comments:
This collab wasn’t anything special. The first half of the collab felt like the two of you were writing with no clear direction, kind of like Adelaide’s and Setsuna’s conversation. I’m just glad Kago was enough to bring you two together and salvage the discussion somewhat. The end kind of felt abrupt but it worked in the context of this collab. So I guess...good job?
The Mere Sense of Living
Grade: 101/102
Comments:
Overall, nice collab. The awkward tension felt extremely appropriate given the state of things between these two. Having Lashiel materialize for the first time in front of Yuurei was an interesting twist and a nice bit of personality added to the collab. And I agree, Lashiel did save them from a ‘terrifying encounter’.
Outside of a few typos, one of your better collabs!
Thy Fearful Symmetry
Grade: 198/201
Comments:
This collab was extremely insightful. Not only were you both able to play heavily on the Shinigami/Vizard divide in a new way, but you managed to unveil some of the inner-workings of Fukushin’s mind. But, can you truly trust his answers? Information itself is a weapon.
The reason I took off the points is that several of your turns were littered with typos. Normally I only take a point or two off, but it got to be almost every turn from you. Outside of that, no major issues.
Passionless as Reason
Grade: 153/154
Comments:
I have thoroughly enjoyed reading Adelaide’s self-discovery and bankai arc thus far. You have a real knack for taking an idea and expressing it in its true form. Also, you’re developing your bankai/zanpakutou spirit beyond just a new form of power for Adelaide, one that embraces her as much as she embraces it. I like the level of thought and detail you are building around it.
As much as I wanted to give you full marks for the collab, I saw a few typos in your first chapter.
Tom
Collision Detection
Grade: 54/56
Comments:
This collab wasn’t anything special. The first half of the collab felt like the two of you were writing with no clear direction, kind of like Adelaide’s and Setsuna’s conversation. I’m just glad Kago was enough to bring you two together and salvage the discussion somewhat. The end kind of felt abrupt but it worked in the context of this collab. So I guess...good job?
Valero
Thy Fearful Symmetry
Grade: 198/201
Comments:
This collab was extremely insightful. Not only were you both able to play heavily on the Shinigami/Vizard divide in a new way, but you managed to unveil some of the inner-workings of Fukushin’s mind. But, can you truly trust his answers? Information itself is a weapon.
The reason I took off the points is that several of your turns were littered with typos. Normally I only take a point or two off, but it got to be almost every turn from you. Outside of that, no major issues.
Mits
Into the Storm of Raging Legends, of Songs Long Forgotten
Grade: 113/113
Comments:
Not really much to say about it. Mitsuhito followed Nana’s orders to the letter (despite them both being unseated). I like that Mits wasn’t just happy go lucky and accepting of Nana attitude. Too many times I read two people getting along IG that, given the personalities/situation, really shouldn’t. I’m glad you two didn’t let OOG slip in here.
Group 1: Will
Thy Fearful Symmetry
Grade: 201/201
Comments:
Its hard to comment on whether you stayed in character with Fukushin or not since there isn't a write-up, but I will say you were consistent. I liked how even when he was answering Adelaide's and Shukumei's broad questions, you were making it a point to show that he was only giving them the answers they were looking for because the information wasn't valuable. Essentially, showing them that he didn't see them as a threat (even though he lured them into focusing on him/fountain area and could've had anybody in Sanctuary attack them).
This collab also seemed to paint Fukushin in a different light than I was expected. He's not the direct enemy to the shinigami/Central 46; he's an antagonist to chaos and all races' hypocritical motives. I love the multi-faceted antagonist. Kudos!
PS. Taiken huh? That's a name from WAY back. I'm curious to see how/if that plays into any plot down the road.
