Grading Session for Week 274

[Chef Bryardee]

Group 4 -> Group 1 -> Group 5 -> Group 3 -> Group 2 -> Group 4


Group 1 (Will): 1st/5th/7th Divisions
Group 2 (Katie): 10th/8th Divisions
Group 3 (Rob): 3rd/12th Divisions
Group 4 (Wayne): 4th/9th/11th Divisions
Group 5 (Moony): AHs/Vizards/Quincies​

Grades are due April 30, 2013 @ 11:59 PM EST​

 

[Time Lady Katie]

I didn't see anything tagged 8th or 10th nor anything on the Google Doc... is there seriously no news from the Group Twos?
Anybody secretly write? Entertain Katie! Put it in the GDoc!

Guest Grade
Anything from you, Group 4 Grader?

Title
Review
000/000


For my grader:

Do Not Swim in Kousei Shinkouteki​

 

[MoonlitRain014]

Here's Moonface to do your grading!

Doc

Opposing Force [109/112]

So the mechanics were good, the dialogue was nicely flowing and the characterizations were well-drawn. My main problem with this is that I felt like I kinda got dropped into a story that could be fleshed out more. I feel like motivation on Simon's part was a bit thin so that was my point docking.

Ketch:

Opposing Force [110/112]

The same comments pretty much apply only I added one point for you because Rudo's motivations were clearer.

Nihil Sine Nefas II [55/58]

This was a good introduction to Rudo and his world. Without necessarily involving him in it a lot, it still conveyed his personality quite strongly. The animosity with Arno Lenz is clearly going to figure in your plot.

Where I docked minimal points was for some word choice issues that didn't quite fit. So for instance you used "abridged" to describe Lenz's shoulders and it seems not to quite fit. "Notoriously-intrepid" doesn't really need a hyphen and "rascle" should be rascal. Those are just examples. Generally I find that there are places where you are kinda suffering from thesaurus speak. Sometimes simple words suffice just as well as more complex ones.


Raph

An Era Uncharted [180/183]

In terms of his plot and showing Kiro's character this was excellent. The fight scene was well-written and there was enough ebb and flow to keep me riveted. Kiro clearly faced and overcame a challenge. I also really think that your introduction of his zan spirit was good. I like the steam punk sensibility of the golem and the way you conveyed the decaying city he saw.

However there were a few places where you slipped a little early on, Raph. Given your usual high standard of work I figured I should point them out. In the first paragraph there were three instances of "softly" which, as you know, is pretty repetitive in that short of a space.

The other issue was the apostrophe "s" at the end of Kenpachi in a few places where it wasn't necessary like "Kenpachi's of the Gotei 13" didn't need it and neither did "Had the Kenpachi's used a private training ground." After that everything else was fine again so I guess there must have been a little distraction. It is pretty minor so I only docked three points.


Rawb

Cross of White [126/130]

So what I really liked about this was the tension between Rosa, Mila and Catherine. I had a palpable sense of this simmering family conflict that finally boiled over and caused revelations to occur that would have otherwise remained hidden. The way you conveyed dialogue was good here.

Where I docked you some points was in the mechanics. It isn't anything major but I will point out that I found the series of short sentences in between paragraphs jarring and a bit stilted like, "Tear asunder an entire species" or "It seemed unlikely as of right now, though."

There were also some minor bits where you rushed through and made mistakes like "trained proper" instead of trained properly or places where words got invented like "distanciation". They happened enough that I left some points off.

 

[Redfin]

Hey everybody. I'm grading this week. And it looks like it is just Moon. If I am wrong, send me a PM.

Moon - 75 Div bonus
GBtLF - 44
Huh, that was quite an interesting historical perspective on the family of Zakki. I am fully okay with having pure narrative like this. It works quite well, and I never found myself wanting more details or dialogue.

It Happen - 120
I wonder if you planned a chapter relating to Emily to go along with this collab? I liked the scene where you guys were interrogating that guy. Ewan is just there, uncertain of what's going on but still keeping a tight grip on him while Zakki and Emily did their stuff.

Every time I read your ability, I'm worried about how many people are getting radiation poisoning and will suffer its effects later on.

Minus a few mistakes, the collab was good. Fighting other people with guns was a good change of pace from what I usually read. You showed different tactics and took cover and all that despite being super human, nice. And I must say, Emily seems way overpowered.



My witing, http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?37526-1st-Week-274-Reside-Aside

 

[Rob]

Okay, seems like I have only Katie to grade.

Hooboy, here we go.

Don't ever write a chapter like this again, please. I had rather Lilith die in hell fire than to see her depicted the way you have here. Whoever you wrote as Captain of the Tenth was not Lilith, not by a long shot. I am sorry Katie, and this will sound very harsh, but out of all the people I've read works from that wrote other people's characters, you probably butchered your chance the most.

Who was she meant to be, a second Adelaide? Some person you had hoped Lilith had always been?

I get it. It's hard. Really. Fucking. Hard. to write another player's character, so please don't see my bitching as a direct attack to you. It isn't. I cannot be unbiased in this, I simply cannot. I have written with Alexis for over three years, written an incredible romance story with Lilith that ended in an almost heartbreaking, yet bittersweet ending. To see all that we build, reduced to this chapter kind of hurts me on an emotional level.

Yes, that's right. I had trouble reading through this. I had to skip over a few parts where it just got too be a bit too painful for me to continue, since this wasn't Lilith. For a character that is so heavy on emotions (like, really fucking heavy), you portrayed Lilith as a... distanced person. Someone who didn't particularly seemed to care, but kind of wanted to try she did, but then failed at it spectacularly.

And then you kind of threw in a bunch of Adelaide quips on Lilith.

I'm sorry, but this entire chapter felt like you were trying to turn Adelaide into someone of such importance that even a Captain decided to just change attitude on a whim.

And just look at me rambling, I hate doing this, Katie. I really do, but for a character that has been so invested into by not only Lilith, but might I say myself as well? It's just too big a dump in the pool for me to really appreciate the cleanliness of your writing. Because, don't mistake my resentment for you being a bad writer, because you are not. I may not be your biggest fan - much like I'm not Berri's biggest fan - but I can appreciate the thoughts and efforts you put into your writing.

Just...

Not this time.

60/68

 

[Wayne]

Busy busy busy.

Al – Swarm, Part 2

It’s filler, but it’s still nice seeing you up and about again with your writing. As always, your style of writing when it comes to fights is vivid and engaging. At best, it’s Die Hard in literary form and at worst, it’s an guilty pleasure B-movie. Yeah, I’m not too good with metaphors. Anywho, my only real gripe with this chapter is the constant dialogue-action mishaps running at almost every line. We’ve been over this before, so really pay attention to small details like this since oftentimes these are the ones that really kill your writing.

“My child!!” She snarled in her persistently panic stricken voice.

“This is Zakeriah Blackwolf, Third Seat of Division Eleven requesting immediate removal of limiter!” He shouted into the receiver.

That’s really the only negative I can say about your work. Just fix those and change them to lower case unless the action coming after the dialogue is a standalone statement. For example:

“I’ll kick your ass!” The third seat flipped the Hollow a middle finger. “Come at me, brah!”

Because it’s not complementing or describing the lines of dialogue, the sentence immediately following a statement can be capitalized.

“I’ll kick your ass!” he roared in a thundering voice.

Now that’s lowercase because it describes the way the dialogue was delivered. Now, I can’t blame you if what I said sounds confusing. That’s really the best way I can explain it outside of chat. By all means though, go and ask around if you need further clarification.

Grade: 91 + 15 Division Bonus​

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Vin – Rebirth

And the Family returns. Coolbeans. I’m always a fan of these mini-terrorist organization plots that revolve around going against the Gotei. In most cases, unless it’s PM, these types of groups are usually restricted to minor conflicts involving PCs. The awesome thing about them is that it shows how many enemies the Gotei has and that there’s no shortage of them in regards of size and strength. That being said, the notion of them wanting to recruit Alexia is something that we’ve seen before. Hell, I’d bet my left nut there’s a trope out there somewhere regarding enemies tryna recruit the hero/heroine. Whatever the case, I hope you manage to pull something to spice this one up to make it stand out. But I have faith you do.

Grade: 60 + 15 Division Bonus​

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Hiren – It is Their Reverence

After seeing Ishmael’s reference pic, I can’t help but see him now as Captain Ahab. Maybe the shinigami can be his Moby Dick or something.

Anyjew, stemming from the comparisons, Ishmael gave off this sorta Ciro-vibe by the way he talked. That being said, he’s not a complete replica as I felt there was a more protective, justice-driven motive behind his actions. Justice, in this case, for the Quincies. He seems rough on the outside, almost dictatorial and Hitler-y, but there’s a legitimate desire underneath all that that wishes to preserve his people’s lineage. What I’m trying to say is: he’s a cool character and doesn’t afraid of anything.

Grade: 50 + 15 Division Bonus​

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Finny – Reside Aside

Who the hell are these people.

That being said though, it’s interesting to see you branch off more from the afterlife-fantasy scene and go with a more grounded, slice of life kind of chapter. You definitely made it cryptic (in a positive way) as to what the overall plot is for this side story, and I’m inclined to think that there’s more to Kakuni than what the reader is led to believe. Either way though, this is a nice alternative from all the action and wacky antics in SS. It’s an intriguing shift in genre, and with your style of writing, you’ve definitely made it work.

Grade: 64 + 10 Division Bonus
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