Grading Session for Week 282

[Chef Bryardee]

Guruupu Yon -> Guruupu Go -> Guruupu Ichi -> Guruupu San -> Guruupu Ni -> Guruupu Yon


Guruupu Ichi (U~iru): Ichibantai/Gobantai/Nanabantai
Guruupu Ni (Keiti): Nibantai/Hachibantai/Juubantai
Guruupu San (Robu): Sanbantai/Juunibantai
Guruupu Yon (U~ein): Yonbantai/Kyuubantai/Juuichibantai
Guruupu Go (Muunii): Adobento/Baizado/Kuwinshees​

Guredos are due ato Juno twenty-fifo two towsand and twree ato erevan fiftee nineo, eee-es-tee​

 

[Cad]

Group 2!

Rumor has it that I'll be grading instead of Rob so pm me those links.

For my grader: http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?37799-Q-12th-Week-282-Knight-to-E3

Rob: Awakening a Mask

62/64

The only thing that detracted from your half was punctuation. There are a number of missing and misplaced commas, predominantly, early on in the story. It seems to come from your knack for the 'stream of consciousness' writing style - perhaps a better way to describe it would be 'a story you can hear yourself orating to an audience'? Audibly, I think this would be emphatic and draw on the imagination - written out, it kind of stopped the flow for me...and that's the thing about grading - you're only hearing from one audience. Would most readers read this and be stopped by the punctuation? I don't think so. That's why I don't want to dock too many points from you, because the content is solid, as usual.

On to the content: Good stuff. I didn’t realize until reading it a second time that there was almost no dialogue (very Castaway of you)...not until the very end. Although Zakki spoke to her, you only described her speaking back - the narrative and the slight insight to her thoughts really built up for her only line. It was very reminiscent of possession films/stories. And one of the greatest things about this, intentional or not, is that the reader has no REAL interaction with this girl as a pure spirit. You give fragments of a history and who she was but we only get to really know (hear) her as a tainted being. Tres cool, man, tres cool.

Katie: Words Win Wars

87/87

Not much to say, just because I have to hit the hay soon but this was a solid collab. I didn't actually know Adele was a cat thing so I was confused for a few paragraphs Your half was good - no spelling or grammatical errors that I could see and the content was good too. Adelaide seems like a very good teacher, the way you write her, and, in that sense, seems to a be a good replacement for Lilith. It also seems pretty clear how devoted Adelaide is to keeping the Tenth's momentum going.

 

[MoonlitRain014]

Ketch

Knight to E3 [64/64]
I feel lazy this week so my commentary will be minimal. Basically you characterized Ujisato well and your interactions with Cad were good. Nice job!


Kawa

train for temptations [57/57]
As usual things are up to your standard, Kawa. I like the relationships between characters and how you describe and delineate them.

Twm

NSKB [58/58]
Writing - good. Characterization - good. Everything - good.









My links to be graded: http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?37794-C-V-Week-282-Awakening-a-Mask and http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?37781-O-C-Week-282-News-and-Skin-Knowledge-and-Blood .

 

[Wayne]

Comments are gonna be short this week guys. Last few days kicked my ass back to the Middle Ages.

Vin – Lightning
An improvement over the last three- way collab you had, although with still a few kinks needed to be worked here and there. Turn order again should be kept consistent, and while that’s entirely a personal preference, it makes the chapter flow a hell of a lot nicer. Grammar errors were at a minimum, and dialogue was entertaining, though sounding forced at times.

Grade: 75


Moon – Awakening // News & Skin
Two chaps, two separate people. Coolio. The one with Zakki himself was kind of short for my taste, but doable nonetheless. It was great to see him balance out his rater aloof and collected persona, all while being somewhat befuddled near the end. As for the second one with Nakazawa, I was a bit lost at first plot-wise, although your portrayal of the guy by itself made up for it. Lastly, I didn’t notice any glaring syntax errors so there’s that.

Grade: 63 (Awakening) + 57 (News & Skin) = 120


Mine: http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?37769-11th-Week-282-On-the-Sixth-Day

 

[Time Lady Katie]

Sorry I'm so late, guys, my desire to do things is basically zero right now.

Bish
Good hunting. You get 90% bounty award due to collateral damage, assuming this was a bounty. I didn't see others handing out award. Did the bounty award thing change? I'm so lost, and too tired to look it up. So, if it's my job, that's what you get.

The Alexia Pancake Incident
Err, I mean:
Lightning Totally Doesn't Strike Twice
Pretty amusing, the combat dialogue in particular was pretty fun. Your usual flair for vivid imagery was quickly discarded, it seems, mostly because your partners weren't as intent on building it as you and, mostly and rightfully, vivid imagery in combat isn't usually particularly effective unless you're describing the brilliance or splendor of a particularly awe-inspiring move. Pretty solid across the board, methinks.
77/77

Dys
Congratulations on completing a Division Objective. You get 150 Division Bonus for this accomplishment, and I have purchased a Collab Bonus as well.

Words Win Wars
You kinda moved the ending a little faster than I expected it, it felt like a hasty conclusion. I suppose that's what you were going for, though. Still, I'd have enjoyed a bit more ceremony around promoting Adele. And I'd have liked to see her try Taidan. But her excitement is always a wonderful thing to see! Now that you're seated, you can choose a new technique to learn, but I'd like you to consider holding off on that until you get your Shikai settled. If you need any help with your shikai, you know how to get in touch with me!
86/87

Road Trip V
Nice little backstory, I like the downside of having the ears and how it's gotten more manageable over time. Of course it would be disorienting to first get them. Also, Adele and Tabitha are so damn cute.
30/30

Road Trip VI
That title. That chapter. That gypsy! I want to give you more points! You certainly know how to appeal to your grader. Let's have a Tenth Division onsen adventure!
64/64

Raph
I almost had you grade, because I really have no motivation. But look, I'm doing my job. Bully.

Demon Arts
Looking for a kidou teacher? So you cast some big spells and ripped apart your division's landscape. Somewhat mundane, but still a good enough read that I enjoyed myself.
58/58

Forgive Thyself and Know
You did something here I like a lot; instead of letting me just be confused because I haven't followed the friendship between Mouko and Ilsa you went over why the painful feeling was there, you gave me a glimpse of the things I needed to know to make this collab powerful
119/119

Wayne
Hey.

On The Sixth Day
You're good at writing things that set up something dramatic, aren't you? I'm not going to say a whole lot here, just going to eagerly await the continuation.
42/42




For My Grader:

Words Win Wars​

 

[swaswj]

Not much to grade this week.

Lin

Lin - 115/119

This collab was a nice read, although it feels like you dominated both the collab and the conversation. Poor Mouko just could not compete with Ilsa's boisterousness. I wish I had more to say, but there's really not. I like that you're following up on the encounters during Dunan, and that Ilsa actually recalls the impact Raifuku had. I think this may be the first time I've read anyone reference the lack of a body. A good collab with a good outcome, and you get some bonus points for being the only one to write this week.

+150 Div Bonus

Forgive Thyself, and Know (4742) 115/119

Cad

Cad - 45/64

I'm really not sure what you're going for here. Igasho seems like a completely different character from everything I've read before, and this collab is almost comical in how it tries to play up how threatening he is. I don't think you were trying to be comical, though, and that's a bad thing. I feel like there's a better way to play an assassin than a heartless 'kill everyone for the slightest things' sociopath. A big part of the idea behind having assassins in the military to begin with is to take out targets for the greater good of the balance of souls or Soul Society or something like that.

You're not killing for a paycheck, you're killing for a purpose.

The flow of the collab itself had its moments, but mostly seemed to get hung up on overplaying the threatening nature of Igasho and the unflappable calm of Ujisato. A lot of writing involves reaction, and you just spent 2557 words writing about three characters who displayed zero reaction to anything that happened.

I know you're better than this. I've read much better writing from you in the past. I get the impression you're trying to draw inspiration from something, though, and I really don't think it's working.

Knight to E3 (2557) 45/64

No writing from me.