GROUP TWO GRADING
Not doing spectator turns unless I get links to them. Comments and grades to come by Tuesday.
Katie:
170/175 - A Safe Place [7000]
Why. Why pink? What possessed you to torture my eyes like this?
You have a good, strong start in this. You set a really good tone for the division, and setting the scene with Adelaide settling into her new office. One thing that stands out to me, is her really playing it strong to the new recruits. It's a nice contrast from Lilith, who had a far more casual and whimsical approach concerning her members, and really shows Adelaide's discomfort with her new position.
One thing that really stood out to me though was how quickly this collab set up an apparent conflict, and then blew right through it. Ren divebombs immediately into the realm of tragic backstory, but comes out of it the moment a new subject is brought up. Try not to let narrative bleed into your character's reactions, because Adelaide seems to draw a lot of conclusions from relatively little evidence or cues.
Overall, your narrative is as strong as ever, and showing the slow familiarization Adelaide is having with her new position is a good perspective. I noticed some smatterings of typos and spelling mistakes, remember to proofread next time and PLEASE DO NOT USE NEON PINK AS A FONT COLOR.
Bish:
66/67 - Round Two: Ansherina Miyahara vs Toride Satoru [1335]
Mama said knock you out. I'm noticing a lot of Satoru's cohesiveness as a character recently, but I think I need to cover a new subject for you: metagaming. You make a number of really far-reaching conclusions when it comes to your opponent's actions. I get it, Satoru's really smart, but instantly describing Gorogoro as a 'thunder tomcat trap' when he displays absolutely no apparent experience with the spell is a bit much.
Unfortunately, this fight has less than stellar pacing. It goes from a hide-and-seek into a stand-off without any actual fighting, and ends abruptly and without payoff. I can probably make a correct assumption in that you likely didn't speak to Nella all that much throughout this. Take a step back from the competition of it all, and remember you're still here to participate in a collaborative writing effort.
Dys:
157/161 - What Happens Next [3221]
And so the characters start to come together. I like this little cast you've thrown together - and how you've taken the time to expand on each character's personality in a generous enough way. I would warn against trying to spread your plot too thinly amongst too many characters, though. You have a really nice pacing in this, but there's a number of typos and spacing errors. Remember to go through your posts after you've posted, especially to fix up paragraph breaks.
Something for in the future, when one of your characters has been working on something for an extended period of time, try to make their attitudes represent that. Zechariah is looking for work, but unless he's incredibly lucky, he's been doing that for a while. Try to give us a sense that he's been trying to find work and has, at some point, been rejected before. Have him drag his heels or speak in a weary tone when he asks for work - stuff that shows the reader he's been at this for some time now.
Still, a good pair of chapters and it's nice to get a view of your NPCs to show that their lives don't revolve around Adele's.
Gloam:
172/175 - A Safe Place [7000]
WHY PINK. WHY.
The trauma this colour dealt to my eyes aside, nice to see some writing from you. Ren makes for an interesting character, and your writing is very well-developed from a technical standpoint already. So, what I'm going to do is touch on the way you handle character trauma, and how it affects your character's actions and demeanour.
Ren has a tragic backstory, and that's cool. It makes her an underdog, it makes people root for her when it's conveyed properly, but here's the thing. You need to better convey that trauma, those feelings inflicted upon your character. You have a heavy narrative emphasis on pointing out Ren's backstory, without having it conveyed through action and demeanor.
Writing is about showing, not telling. So don't tell us about how Ren was hurt, and she has to hide behind a mask as a result. Show us. You do touch briefly, and passingly, on the different things Ren does when she feels threatened or imposed upon, but only after swinging into huge asides in the narrative explaining why she's doing it.
Trust in your readers, and yourself, to create enough cues that it can be implied that the backstory is tragic, that Ren's been through some shit. Show us how she steps back when someone steps towards her to keep distance. Show us how she might fidget with her mask in a crowd, worried that her face might be exposed in any way.
It's awesome to see people writing emotionally touching stories, but tragedy doesn't garner immediate empathy. I look forward to seeing more of your work Gloam.
Minja:
25/175 - A Chance Meeting with an Angel/A Blade Collector? [3492]
Alright, so here's the deal: I like you, Minja. You got spunk, you got promise, you have the makings of a good writer. This here? This ain't cool, and that cat don't fits or sits. So let's do a rundown of where you went wrong, and how to fix it for next time.
Word Counts: Include your word counts, I can't say this enough. I had to calculate the word count for both of your chapters, after I found both of them. Post your chapters all in the same thread for the week, please.
Thread Labelling: Please take the time to properly label and tag your threads. [8th] Week ---: Title Goes Here. As simple as that. Proper etiquette starts with you.
Grammar & Proofreading: Proofread your stuff, Minja. There are spacing errors, missing punctuations, and spelling errors everywhere. As a side-note, write out your numbers, don't use numerals: It's "one-hundred", not "100".
Metaplot & In-Game Rules: And now we're getting to it. I'm gonna level with you for a minute, Minja. I like people who try to expand the boundaries of what can and can't be done. It shows creativity and a willingness to seize initiative. Here's the lowdown: humans have no method of getting to Seireitei. None. There is literally only one known way for them to get there, only one. Of that method, only two people in existence know it, and only three people know it exists.
Shinigami don't have tennis ball machines. They use training dummies. Shinigami also are expected, and obligated, to not betray information concerning spiritual activity of any kind. None, nada, absolutely nothing. It's considered not only taboo, but is often treated as a flat-out crime.
Last, big one: This is not Bleach. It's not. You don't get to have a human become a shinigami. You do that, they're put on death row. It's treated like an abomination as much as Vizards are. Your characters are not Ichigo, they are not special snowflakes when it comes to this law.
We write in a communal setting - where there are a lot of writers creating unique stories with unique settings and premises. To set appropriate limitations that everyone can adhere to, while allowing for characters to explore weakness and other shortcomings, we have in-game rules. These are not here to get down on you, and they're not here to spite you. They're here so everyone has a chance to do something cool, without being completely out of hand in nature.
I'll say it again: you have promise, everyone does. You can do much, much better than this, and I look forward to helping guide you and watch you slowly make that ascent. You just have to work past the harder parts.
Guest Grader: Moony:
78/80 - White Cross [3202]
I get to grade you so little now, Moony. I feel like you're starting to slip, almost. You start strong, you and Rob have gotten very used to each other's writing styles in a way that lets you set a scene much more clearly.
However, immediately after meeting up with Rosa, it seems to accelerate to such a pace that there's no conflict, no sense of hesitation. Perhaps Rosa and Zakki could be considered friends at this point, but a total lack of reservations on her part when it comes to Zakki's questions seems awkward.
On Zakki's part, he seems a little too on-the-ball when it comes to how Quincies work, but perhaps that's a result of his experience with spiritual affairs. He does, after all, have more hands-on with other spiritual beings than even Arano. He seems to be rather eager to try and take a diplomatic approach to being a Chairman, and I'd like to see a little more of that transition from his previous position into his current one.
Taking on the mantle of leading the most powerful spiritual organization on Earth has got to be a daunting task, and while you may not see Zakki sweat, it's nice to be reminded he's human.
Raph's Links for Week 291:
Round 2: Sayis Inuzuri vs Masato Fujikawa
Round 2: Zakeriah vs Kiro Shenrai
Challenge Match: Arano vs Sayis Inuzuri
Round 2: Elena Ashida vs Arano
Round 2: Caleb Fletcher vs Nenshou Mouko
