Nella:
+25 Div
It Began With a Letter [50/50]
Aaaaaand. Shipping starts now. Torei? Yuuride? Let’s go with Yuuride. Anyway, outside of that, really amusing chapter to read. Like you you wrote it full on letter style and the prose matches your character well. It is interesting though to see Yuurei’s introspection and her own understanding of her weaknesses. Wonder if the cause of it is that she’s dwelling on her drawbacks too much. That random tangent aside, I don’t really have much to say about it other than good job on this. You mixed in some really nice humor throughout and it felt like a personal letter that I’d end up writing to a friend.
Kero:
+ 25 Div
Where the Art of Medicine is Loved [248/250]
Shipping. urge. continues. Mingcho? /slaps self/
Anyway, I think this is the first time that I’ve graded you. Overall, really good collab. I’ll be honest, I was kind of daunted going in at the start. I’m a bit hesitant of 10K of just talking though you guys managed to change it up fairly often to keep the interest going. You wrote Mingzhu’s concern over Echos /near-kinda-death/ really well and the transition between her emotional states throughout the collab was really enjoyable to read. You pulled of the transition between angry-come-worried to emphatic to wanting to get Echo back on her feet to a pleasant contention. The flow you two had in this was really well done so good job on that.
However, like I mentioned early, there were some places where it seemed to drag on shall I say? There was a big point that I felt was continuous turns of Mingzhu reassuring Echo and getting a sort of ‘I will never be able to do that/woe is me’. Turns like that are powerful if they’re rationed out well, but after the third or fourth round it was getting really repetitive. I do have a question why the whole ‘woe is me for almost dying against someone who’s known to be an Earth powerhouse’ was used to often, but that’s another question altogether.
Outside of that though, you stayed in character really well and it was actually a kind of touching collab when put together. Just be a bit more mindful of repetition of responses because then it sort of reaches drudgery and subtracts from the message.
Cur and Wayne:
+ 50 Div Each
Fremitu Lupus
Wayne score [130/130]:
Cur score [130/130]:
Zakerketsu? Kyuiah? Full. Homo. /slaps self again/
Anyway, can I say about fucking time. Because I’m going to say it about fucking time. [Obligatory it’s never lupus joke]
Anyway, onto the actual thing. Good job both of you. This promotion really felt very... 11th... if that makes sense. Zakeriah’s acknowledgment of his losses and Kyuketsu’s almost goading was really well written. The fact that it was expressed through combat really feels distinctive to the division and I doubt that it’d really work in any other division. -Thankfully- it seemed to stay away from the token 11th philosophy babble and really felt natural. Kyuketsu’s fostering of his division members through forcing them to acknowledge their flaws and then push past them is really indicative of his capability of a leader.
Likewise, Zakeriah’s continued transformation was really showcased in this collab and he truly felt vice-captain material. Great job on both of your parts on this and I’m looking forward to seeing what this dynamic is like in the future.
Moony:
The Beginning of the End [49/53]
Hmm... so this has been creeping up for a while and I feel like I’ve mentioned this before. I’m starting to miss Zakki. Your strong suit has always been creating and maintaining this ensemble cast and using them well. There are very few wasted NPCs in your work and each is extremly distinct from your writing through them.
However, this chapter kind of points out my concern with this, of not having Zakki connected in this (albeit I assume yet). Your NPCs seem to kind of be outstripping Zakki in terms of their personal growth. But, I’m really hoping you can integrate Zakki better in this. He’s been given this huge responsibility and legacy that he’s supposed to fill all of a sudden.
Pretty much every force in the world is working against him currently and he has to still deal with alpha personalities like Masato, Hideo, and Arano. I kind of want to see more writing focused on him, some sort of introspection that really causes his personal character to evolve more. He’s come leagues from when he ‘joined (lolkindofkidnap)’ Cerberus, but I really don’t want to see him plateau early.
