Grading Session for Week 304

[Redfin]

Group 2 -> Group 4 -> Group 5 -> Group 1 -> Group 3 -> Group 2

Group 1 (Finny): 1st/5th/9th Divisions
Group 2 (Raph): 2nd/3rd/6th/11th Divisions
Group 3 (Katie): 7th/10th/12th Divisions
Group 4 (Hiren): 4th/8th/13th Divisions
Group 5 (Moon): AHs/Vizards/Quincies​

Grades due by 11:59 PM EST on Tuesday, November 26th

 

[Redfin]

Let me know if I missed anything.

Doc, so we meet again.
56 div bonus

Chapter, Science: Approved.
61
First off, remember that you have bleed back from old stats, not newbie bonus.

These should be separate paragraphs. Sousei is considered a character, not Keiji's inner thoughts, so he gets his own paragraph when doing actions.

“So, okay, are you gonna goo yourself again? ‘Cause, like, that was totally bogus,” Sousei chirped with as much concern as it could have with its unique speech pattern. Hearing the word “goo” nearly caused Keiji to lapse into a horrible flashback. Even though it was only for an attosecond his entire vision became a green, murky mess.“No, no, I’m not, erm,” he shuddered at the thought, “I won’t be gooing myself, which is to say ourselves should it happen again, which I should say it won’t.”

“Yo, you think? I don’t even, like, y’know, get what you were tryin’ to make, little dude,” Sousei’s voice was awash with confusion.“Just an engine! It seemed so simple in the design phase, too. I need something more...” while searching for the right word Keiji became lost in thought.

As such

“So, okay, are you gonna goo yourself again? ‘Cause, like, that was totally bogus,” Sousei chirped with as much concern as it could have with its unique speech pattern.

Hearing the word “goo” nearly caused Keiji to lapse into a horrible flashback. Even though it was only for an attosecond his entire vision became a green, murky mess.“No, no, I’m not, erm,” he shuddered at the thought, “I won’t be gooing myself, which is to say ourselves should it happen again, which I should say it won’t.”

And

“Yo, you think? I don’t even, like, y’know, get what you were tryin’ to make, little dude,” Sousei’s voice was awash with confusion.

“Just an engine! It seemed so simple in the design phase, too. I need something more...” while searching for the right word Keiji became lost in thought.

Also, in that last paragraph, you didn't italics Sousei's speech. Now I'm thinking that's because in that last paragraph, he was trying to be as clear as possible, not the inner speech style of before.

I enjoyed the chapter, especially with all those random terms thrown in that I have no idea if it really makes sense or not. And I don't need to know if it makes sense. Just having it there makes the entire chapter feel that much more sciency. Now, if all you said is actually scientifically sound, kudos.

 

[MoonlitRain014]

Val

Just a Man and His Will to Survive [100/103]

As a whole I really liked this chapter. It is cementing the relationship between Gekijin and Shuku. It is a dysfunctional and odd relationship but it has interesting points for sure. There are times that our reptilian friend seems a great deal more forgiving than I would expect him to be and that adds complexity. I also like all of the emotional struggles that you are having Shukumei face as he tries to regain himself. Where I found issues was with the rushed feeling of the collab especially at the start. There were a few errors in there and so I did dock a couple of points but you get the other half of the div. bonus.


Twm

And All's Right With the World [82/87]

Well I must admit that I missed your writing, Twm. You are good at humor mixed with action. 'Iron Swan'! I have to say that was quite brilliant. I am struggling to figure out what I thought was missing from this chapter and I think it was mostly that it seems a bit compressed. Maybe I was expecting Bloodskin to come busting in because it appeared to be set up that way. Instead we got a new NPC which is not all bad. I mean it sort of follows the idea of multiple character plots and you know how much I enjoy those! So for the most part I enjoy what you've written. I will also be giving you half the div. bonus because I was stingy on my grade. I am just too nice. Incidentally we should just collab since the one with Rawb died.


And for my grader: http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?38417-Week-304-Operation-Firestorm-Part-I

 

[Nargles]

Nella + 75 Div
Invisible Friends [63/63]

Well... wow. I really can’t say anything bad about this Nella, I absolutely loved this. Maybe because I really like scene pieces like this. It was really emotional and rather dark but you played it a really fun manner. It kind of reminds me of a similar piece that I wrote that was a first person, ignorant, account of a hollow attack. But wow, you wrote it fantastically. It was really packed with the emotion and then ending was really good. I really want to see where you take this flashback arc. Also, I did like how you kept the English really in theme with the time period and location. The more formalness, lacking the slang that we use now really set the scene.​

Lambo + 75 Div
The History [217/219]

Heh, this is a really different tone than Nella’s piece. It seemed to transform from more a supernatural historical fiction to something that really makes me think of old samurai films. I’m actually a big fan of it. Though, I feel like some of it was a tiny bit melodramatic at times, it really fits with your whole writing style and Okita, so keep up this good work.

My main quips are mainly from the fact that at times you had long streams of dialogue where you didn’t differentiate the speaker. It’s fine to do like two rounds of back and forth, but be careful not to cut out a lot of the scene setting in dialogue. That means describing the way they were speaking a bit more, since that’ll really help the imagery.

Also, I like how Okita really displays his shortcomings and weaknesses. He doesn’t seem to suffer from superhero syndrome where he seems to be unfazed by tedious work. The fact that he’s capable of getting bored and tired rather than always being in tip-top physical state is a nice change up!​

Moony
Operation Firestorm [52/53]

Sometimes I feel like Oni is one cat away from being Doctor Evil. Anyway, that aside, good chapter. I do like that you’re actually starting to set your plans in motions. I was getting a bit worried that your arc would stall out a bit before reaching the climax, but from this chapter I can tell that things are going to start hitting overdrive (LOL AH PUNS).

I really did like how you included the rest of the HD universe into your chapter. The references to Masato, Orpheus and the larger aspects of Cerberus Corporation really seemed to integrate your work. That’s a really good improvement and seemed to address the concerns I had about it in my earlier reviews. Great job on this, keep this up because you’re really progressing this arc well.
​

 

[Time Lady Katie]

Tenth, in addition to your hopes and dreams I asked for and none of you gave me, I also want to know your favorite things about the Tenth Division.

Also, due respect, Lil, but last week's grades were in at 11:30. Please make sure your forum time is accurate.

Dys
We should do that onsen collab with Adele and Annika.

Black and White Memories
Holy shit I missed something when I was away, didn't I? This was a nice retrospective on whatever happened. Send me a PM and bring Adelaide up to speed, would you? I like the mechanic for exploring similar times in Tia's past and trying to deal with the deep questions about who shinigami become that we raised in Overcoming Fears.
68/68


Gloam
For a second I thought The Routine was a collab. Man, I've gotten rusty.

The Routine
There's something about this chapter that brings a powerful sense of emptiness, and in hand with that comes a deep sadness. It feels so mundane, so ordinary. Almost directionless. The way you managed to convey this without ever really addressing it at all was pretty breathtaking; too often people think that talking about a problem is the best way to display it, but you clearly indicate a much deeper understanding here. Good work.
70/70

Meditation
You addressed here the emotional issues raised in the previous chapter. Nothing wrong with that, I get crap for letting things linger too long, but maybe tease it out a little more next time? It can be fun to take the reader along with this feeling for a bit. Not too long, though. Anyway, it was an interesting introspection that lifted a few important questions that I'm not sure everyone adequately answers, so I applaud you for teeing those up. Now let's see you resolve them.
52/52


Raph
Was that really that short a chapter?

Consolation
So this felt a bit longer than it was, but in a good way. It felt deep and meaningful, and though it might be a little early to ring in on the healing power of Christmas, it was still rather warming and touching for a winter that doesn't feel too present just yet. The timing of the peace is a minor criticism, and one hollow from someone who decorated for Christmas weeks ago, but it gives you an opportunity to build on this if you want in the month to come.
61/61

 

[K3]

GROUP TWO GRADING
Notify me of missing writing​

Rob:

61/61 - Out in the Cold II [1220]

Thanks for including something to the previous chapter to keep me filled in. However, try to work on including cues in your writing that let us know what happened already without making us play catch-up, necessarily. A few throwbacks, nothing dedicated, can fill the reader in quickly.

Moving on quickly, you have a good pacing to this but the tone is very contradictory at times. You play this on a sort of dramatic atmosphere, with the opening scene between Nana and Mairi, but then reel it back for a sort of set-up to something entirely different. Then dive into another dramatic scene with Nana and Mairi, but throw in humorous asides to try and lighten the mood.

It's a bit jarring, but nothing worth fussing over. Try to keep in mind the aim and message of a chapter. If you want a reader to connect to the characters, you have to be able to convey the mood consistently. Your dialogue is stellar as always, and your grammar was nicely tidied up.​

Thana:

54/57 - One [1146]

So it's a neat thing you were trying to do, but let's get to the point: A for Effort, D for following through.

When you copy-paste from Google Docs, in WYSIWYG mode, it retains the font and then scales for the forums. This is why you need to proofread. What could've been a really well-designed chapter with a neat premise and a cool little storytelling twist looks flawed and amateurish.

Single-space paragraph breaks aren't wrong, but you need to be consistent. You have multiples of this. The content itself is nice, and properly paced, but it's bogged down by the weird formatting, and inconsistent paragraph breaks. Some points off, but this is mainly a big reason not to let your stuff sit after you post it. Always proofread, at least once.​

Guest Grader: Hiren

Nada.​

Raph's Links for Week 304:

Consolation​