Brood
25 div bonus
Collab, Month: 69
Hmm, I'm a bit iffy on the first line of the collab, just the part of addressing a 'you' character. Maybe try 'someone'. This is just a style thing, really.
You have gotten some words wrong, especially ones that sound similar. If you aren't sure about if it s the right word or not, look it up quickly on the internet. For instance, it's Hueco Mundo, not Huco Mundo. And you want the word permeated, not permitted. Quite should be quiet. Manila is also only spelled with 1 l. Persons needs a ' since it is faith belonging to that person. Somewhat is only one word.
Try being a bit more careful on the small parts as well, since they add up.
One-liner, not one liner, though I often times don't put in the hyphen as well since hyphenated word count as 1 while a space means they count as 2. Another example, forty-seven would be the correct way to write it. The hyphen thing isn't as big a deal to me, since I tend to do it.
For this sentence:
Someone in my organization if you will, would like the events of this operation kept shut.
It should be:
Someone in my organization
, if you will, would like the events of this operation kept shut.
Imagine that the commas sandwiching something that could be taken out. If you removed the if you will then the sentence will still make perfect sense.
You guys didn't actually start this in July, did you?
Anyway, the collab is pretty interesting. But, man, giving out information to humans of your own volition is asking for all kinds of trouble. It's pretty illegal, so if anyone found out about it, Theo would be brought to trial.
It was a cool interaction between Zakki and Theo, how they were trying to get the first information. This collab does do some interesting setups.
Chapters, Admin: 86
Everyone has some kind of code name here. It feels like some kind of spy games.
If you don't already, I do recommend doing a quick read of your chapters. There are some minor mistakes, such as the wrong word being used (similar to the collab). For instance, you used use when it should be us.
I believe the proper term is cover all your bases. The plural of basis is bases, so yeah.
Theo is giving off some really bad evil genius vibes, someone wanting to show the world just what he can do. You do build up a mysterious even quite well, from previous chapters and a collab, it's really got me intrigued.
Second part
It should be harder to be. Harder, because you're comparing it to what Theo originally thought.
Actually, kidou scrolls do exist, though they only go up to level 30 spells.
Tie up loose ends, eh? Evil mastermind.
Hmm, while using these items solely in your own chapter is fine, you might have to consider the greater world around you. If people found out about kidou scrolls that go higher than thirty, they will start investigating, human and shinigami alike.
Will
25 div bonus
Fight, 1/2 Finals: 108
Is this tournament not over yet? Great balls of vases filled with peeps.
Tsubaki is a crazy *looks around shiftily* biiiitch when fighting.
If anything, Tsubaki really seems to take the show in fights, whether winning or losing. Her attitude just sweeps everything up into her pace.
Yeah, I got nothing for Kyu other than Kyu is doing Kyu things as beast as Kyu does in that Baki situation.
Doc
25 div bonus
Chapter, Overwhelming: 102
“Oh, of course,” Drake had to rub his head again, “not TNT. Plutonium. Excuse me,” he looked Keiji directly in his eerily electronic eyes, “your first choice was to make a nuclear bomb and detonate it, and force it to continue detonating just to fill up a battery,” his voice was somewhat shaken.
This is at least two sentences.
“Oh, of course,” Drake had to rub his head again, “not TNT. Plutonium. Excuse me,” he looked Keiji directly in his eerily electronic eyes, “your first choice was to make a nuclear bomb and detonate it, and force it to continue detonating just to fill up a battery
.”
His voice was somewhat shaken.
His voice was somewhat shaken can stand on its own as a sentence. That's why it is considered its own sentence. If you wrote, he said in a shaky voice, then it would be considered one sentence.
“A power source created by an ever-burning explosion,” Drake felt the core of the experiment bore restatement.
Also two sentences.
“A power source created by an ever-burning explosion
.” Drake felt the core of the experiment bore restatement. Same thing, the second part stands along as a complete sentence. It is describing how he feels while the sentence is being said but not directly how the sentence is being said.
Now this one:
“Oh, no, don’t worry about the materials. I’ll have those taken care of separately,” Keiji wore his signature grin, “what’s more important is we complete the containment system first. As a matter of fact, the catalyst will be the easiest part to complete!”
This should be:
“Oh, no, don’t worry about the materials. I’ll have those taken care of separately
.” Keiji wore his signature grin
. “
What’s more important is we complete the containment system first. As a matter of fact, the catalyst will be the easiest part to complete!”
Because the spoken lines are indeed two separate sentences. You can interject a smile in between them, but it would be another separate sentence.
Haha, I really liked those text messages.
So, you want make explosions making explosions and then put them to work? Trying to alter the entire course of human history, eh? Also, consider one big danger of self-sustaining energy: How do you turn it off?
I really liked the chapter, though. Your three scientists just work so well together, even when they're fighting.
Shade
50 div bonus for poking the bear
Chapter, Consequences: 50
There are a lot of points where you combine the sentences with spoken part of dialogue when they really shouldn't be.
For instance
“I believe I made my intentions clear when I received the haori,” despite not being physically imposing, the juxtaposition between the bandages and Feng’s haori still painted an authoritative silhouette even while seated. “If Pierce does not agree with my methods, she doesn’t have to use them.” A impish grin painted over the man’s lips, “I don’t believe that she had quite this much in mind.”
This should be
“I believe I made my intentions clear when I received the haori
.”
Despite not being physically imposing, the juxtaposition between the bandages and Feng’s haori still painted an authoritative silhouette even while seated. “If Pierce does not agree with my methods, she doesn’t have to use them.”
An impish grin painted over the man’s lips, “I don’t believe that she had quite this much in mind.”
Because the second sentence is a complete sentence and does not describe the spoken sentence.
A look of indignation passed over the woman’s face, “Obviously not,” she spat, “if you had considered it for even a moment you would have realized just how poor of an idea it is to make an enemy of one of the captains over a personal grudge,”
This should be
A look of indignation passed over the woman’s face
. “Obviously not,” she spat
. “
If you had considered it for even a moment you would have realized just how poor of an idea it is to make an enemy of one of the captains over a personal grudge,”
The first sentence a complete sentence by itself. It is not directly referring to how something was spoken. For the dialogue part, the second sentence is the start of a new sentence (or could be considered one). That's why it starts off with a new sentence.
There was a long pause, the captain simply smiled, “I thought it was a little longer.” The biologist quipped.
There was a long pause, the captain simply smiled
. “I thought it was a little longer
,”
the biologist quipped.
The biologist quipping is describing how the dialogue was said, so it is considered the same sentence. Him smiling does not.
Man, everyone is doing stuff that goes against the spirit of cooperation. Whatever Adelaide did, it certainly pissed off Feng. Nice to see his intense, serious side.
And, well, if the two captains happen to kill each other, who am I to stop them?
Moon
25 div bonus
Collab, What: 72
Theo is hard to deal with, isn't he?
Hmm, I wonder who came out on top in that meeting?
I wonder why there are so many questions in your review?
Anyway, it feels so different the way Zakki interacts with Theo compared to, well, Picca. But I liked it. He feels a lot more secretive and agent-like here.Though I certainly enjoy his friendly side more. Is 47 Ronin the official term for them? If so, I guess it's okay to leave that as the numbers 47.
