Grading Session for Week 306

[Redfin]

Group 4 -> Group 2 -> Group 3 -> Group 1 -> Group 5 -> Group 4

Group 1 (Finny): 1st/5th/9th Divisions
Group 2 (Raph): 2nd/3rd/6th/11th Divisions
Group 3 (Katie): 7th/10th/12th Divisions
Group 4 (Hiren): 4th/8th/13th Divisions
Group 5 (Moon): AHs/Vizards/Quincies
​

Grades due by 11:59 PM EST on Tuesday, December 10th

 

[Redfin]

Undie

40 div bonus

Chapter, Square Tesseracted: 90

Whatever your title was, it only showed up as four squares for me. Oh well.

So, tried the lutfisk?

Well, this was a pretty excellent setup chapter. No real technical mistakes I could find. Hmm, I missed the chapter where his family got kidnapped, but he's handling it now. I felt his struggle between duty to the world and duty to his family. Don't know much about Hayato, but their friendship was on display nicely in this chapter.

One thing I really like about Haresuno is that he has a family and one that appears rather frequently.​

Moon

70 div bonus

Collab, Shoot: 115

Zakkie felt really chipper in the beginning.

Well, well, a vizard training collab. I haven't seen one of these in a long time.

Zakki really felt too strong to do much here, but he performed the duty of goalie pretty well. It felt that you were just there to be super backup based on how often your character sat on the sidelines. Your part was fine, even if it was less involved than the other two. That's probably how the cookie crumbles when you're a non-vizard.

As far as the training collab goes, and this actually has nothing to do with Zakki, I felt it was missing a certain personalization. This should have been character-struggling/defining for Miya, but I didn't feel that powerful. It might be a bit tough to do in a collab, but I really wanted more of Miya's struggle with her hollow. Her fight against Shukuzakki was fine, but standard. In my opinion, it would have been totally fine for Miya to have a chapter directly in the middle of the collab about her and her hollow. Then cut back the fight then and again, kind of like how they do it in the manga.​

Collab, R and R: 72

This collab has some disconcerting changes in font between the turns. Try to eliminate that. It gets weird. If you use google docs for collabs, I can maybe make a suggestion if you want.

Looks like Shuku's bringing back the techs.

I must say, Zakki needs to learn to delegate. He has more important things to do than unlock some computer files. Send the intern.

Other than that, a good collab helping others. It was more interesting wrt the vizards. At least now they can get some techs. None of Panacea's, though.​

Collab, Unexpected: 124

So close, so close to just having some time off for relaxation. Pretty soon, everyone's just going to bypass all Cerberus chains of command and just go to you immediately. And then you got a party going on at your home.

Well, I certainly am looking forward to the hollow hunt. Sounds like a major enemy in twm's recent story. There's a plan and everything. But you know the plan can't work since you discussed everything out already.​

 

[Eidolon]

Firing off a SDB for O this week.

 

[K3]

GROUP TWO GRADING
Notify me of missed writing.​

Rob: + 100 Division Bonus

64/64 - True to Cause [1280]

Kudos on your new position, I suppose.

This chapter did very well in giving us the intrigue necessary for a subterfuge-central plot like this. Keiji's mannerisms are fleshed out and well-portrayed, even for a one off character. You keep the flow of events slow, but transition well into the tense showoff with the assassin, and the finale is very satisfying.

I'm giving props for having a character this fleshed out for a throwaway, and for how well you wrote the assassination. Take some division bonus for impressing me.​

Thana:

120/123 - Shoots and Ladders [7375]

Good stuff, but I'm questioning how bloated this was.

There was a lot of unnecessary padding to the events - for all he did, Zakki felt completely unnecessary to the collab - and it kinda tanks the pacing before and after the actual Pit session. Work on using early parts to give necessary details, then quickly swing into the heart of the collab. Use ending bits to wrap up loose ends only, don't draw things out without introducing a new subject for the collab or you lose interest immediately.

As for the Pit session itself, I'm actually rather impressed. You portrayed Miya's hollow as both feral and intelligent, the volatile mix of a Hollow presence with access to shinigami capabilities. Props to you and Val for having the nice little back-and-forth that managed to display Shukumei's experience in dealing with other Vizards and Pit Training, while still giving room for error when Kurobara came out.​

Guest Grader: Katie:

Nothing.​

Raph's Links for Week 306:

See All You Can See
Semi-Finals: Nenshou Mouko vs Lucia Amaterasu-Frey​

 

[Nargles]

Nella + 50 div
Tokaido [52/52]

Nice scene setting and setting up a mystery arc of sorts. As per usual, your tone setting and background description was really well done. I’m looking forward to where and how you take this arc since Yuurei is always fun to read. Nice tangentially tying it into an arc that really ends up fitting with the Tenth’s spirits shtick.

Minj
Taming Nightmares [79/93]

First off, if someone in your collab is using the similar color as someone as your zan spirit, for the love of dog one of you two change color. Seriously, seeing purple like... EVERYWHERE... made it hard to follow at times. In general I’m expanding it to everyone. MANAGE THOSE COLORS.

So, here’s a problem that comes up a lot and it’s very prevalent in this piece of writing. There’s a fine line between ‘intimidating’ or ‘scary’ and... hilarious. There wasn’t any of the dramatic tension built in this, and this is something that was most likely the fault of the execution. The result was pretty much the definition of Camp as a genre. It was bold, yet really amusing, declarations (“This steel prison cannot hold me fool, I am Queen of Nightmares. I cannot be tamed!”) and things that would fit more with Rocky Horror, Pricscilla: Queen of the Desert or Hairspary than what I think you all were going for in this piece.

This was the underlying problem with this writing and some of your previous writing. It’s too melodramatic. It tries to pull off big, stereotypical anime moments too frequently. Zan possession has been pulled off before, but I’ve never currently read a piece where rampaging spirit has been pulled off to good effect.

So the real question is, how does this become remedied? I’ll be honest, because it’s a thing EVERYONE does at some point. I used to do the whole constantly talking to zan spirit thing for quite a while when I first joined. My main suggestion is to simply read other people’s work. Not just anyone’s work. Find a veteran member of the RP, preferably someone who really likes to focus on scene/tone setting. Somebody like Will, me, Seraph, Rob ect are good places to start. Or find some of the BIG PLOT collabs like Stepping into the Future and read through them. Try to identify how each person sets the tone. Try to see how people craft the scene through subtle changes in their writing as opposed to big declarations and try to see if you can emulate it!

Colin
FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT [146/146]

Something something, you know about this, already talked to you. Conflicted. What not.

See All You Can See [64/64]

Oho. Ohohoho. OHOHOHO. HOHOHO. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

So, not sure what I liked more in this collab. Kiro’s combination of being really awkward about most crap, the reveal of his past, OR finny’s writing of Osei. Like seriously, whatever alignment of the stars caused this to happen, I’m glad it did. Really great collab you two. It seemed a fitting promotion for a spy and in many ways it really played up how I always imagined the 2nd division would work. In many ways I get the feeling Kiro bartered his own personal information and got the seat out of it. Pretty cool idea if I’m not totally off base and super fitting for the Second. Really good back and forth, fantastic grabbing and keeping my attention. Nothing more to say than CONGRATS.

 

[MoonlitRain014]

Bunz, Val and Twm can split div.


Val

The Prophet Returns [75/77]

I would echo a lot of my comments about Bunz in this collab with you. You had Shuku flowing really well with Toki and again you conveyed the conflicts and internal strife he was struggling with quite well. I always am fascinated to see what is going on with my favourite ginger-haired vizard.

Shoots and Ladders [123/123]

I must concur with Raph that really, you and Thana were the main part of this collab, Zakki kind of sat around twiddling his thumbs and didn't contribute a lot. I really enjoyed the way you wrote Shukumei here and how you interacted him with Miya. He was the right mix of confident, worried and scared when she actually showed just what she could do. Good work, sir.

Data Retrieval and Revelation [70/73]

I know I was part of this collab but even I must say that it was kind of short and choppy. I guess that it did achieve its goal but I sort of wonder how we might have done it differently. Maybe there was no way really. I suppose that given what it is, we managed it well. Yeah...what else do I say?


Twm

Watch How I Soar [64/68]

This is most interesting. Most interesting indeed. I'm not entirely sure where this is going but I did like where it started! It has me really wanting to know more about what's going to happen next for Tatsuya and how he fits into the whole scheme of your writing. My only criticism is that it felt a bit hurried and did leave me without some context that would have been nice to have.

Awaiting the Unexpected [62/62]

A) This looks like Christmas and B) This does what it says on the tin so there's not a lot else to say. It works nicely to advance the whole plot and sets us up for a collab. I wish I had more in depth comments but I really don't! It just works well.


Van

The Many, The Few [182/184]

Okay what the hell man? Kite's insane. A legit crazy sonofabitch! I really like his creative insults as well as his sheer insane motherfucking attitude. As you can tell I enjoyed this collab and I can take lessons from the way that you guys write fights, it is impressive. The flow was superb and the way Kite viewed the situation vs. how Masato viewed it was well conveyed. There were a few places where I was a bit unsure about how far you took Kite. I felt like maybe he was too extreme and that you were pushing the characterization.

RE: New Field Operative [83/83]

Is it me or is Kite just the teeniest bit OP? That's really all I can add to this commentary because otherwise you did a very good job of making this sound quite official and military/spy-ish. It worked out well!


Sev

The Many, The Few [184/184]

Well...I have to say that Kite is a scary bastard and I don't blame Masato for his reaction at all by the end. He's a maniac and I like the way our gunslinging friend is rather amazed by what the hell's going on. Overall I'd have to say that his reactions all make sense and parse nicely. Once again I feel silly for giving full marks but I can't help it. This is too good.


Bunz

Safe and Sound [49/53]

The only reason I docked a few points was for some proofing errors and little slip-ups that easily would have been caught if you'd take a little more time to read through. Otherwise I must say this pchap left me feeling more than a little sad. The fact that they're all gone hasn't dawned yet and knowing that it made my heart ache for little Toki and what she's about to find out. The realization that she's only one of a tiny handful of her kind left is close but not there.


The Prophet Returns [77/77]

Firstly it is sure great to be grading you and to have you back, Bunz! Secondly for a first collab back after a long hiatus, you did beautifully. You and Val flowed well together, you conveyed Toki's emotions and you also managed to hint at the urgency that she feels about Warugeki and how long she can keep a hold on things. This is a good setup for the pit training! I couldn't see any major, glaring errors that would have caused me to dock you points so you get 'em all.

Hiren

Semi Final: Mouko v. Lucia [167/167]


Sorry for forgetting this! Im.Press.Ive. Yep I really have to say Lucia acquitted herself beautifully in this fight. It may have been judged a win for Mouko but I feel like Lucia took it. There was something about her ability to resist what Mouko was serving that I found a touch more powerful. But the judgement isn't important anyways. You did well here, really well! I enjoyed seeing the fight unfold.

 

[Time Lady Katie]

Sorry I'm flirting with deadline. Finals week. It should be noted that this is posted before midnight. Timestamps haven't always agreed before (Please don't go raging, I'm being silly. No, no don't hurt me!)

Dys
Sorry if this makes no sense, I'm a bit sleepy. 100 Division and 50 Leadership Kan for being a solid officer.

Taming Nightmares
Good Tenth Seat, tell him how creepy he's being. Skulking around MY division at night is Yuurei's job. There's a problem involving current events in your plots, because now I need to make sure that the Ninth conflict at least lasts overnight to maintain continuity, and it lasting as long as it has has angered pretty much everyone in the danmed world, so my writing into a corner has gone up a notch. Hiren hit a lot of points I want to hit about formatting and premise, and for the most part you yes-anded like a master of improv. I feel a need to mention that a zanpakutou, even a hostile one, wants a kind of symbiosis. They know they need your bitch ass and even if they intend to use you, they're not going to willfully endanger you, like I don't know, picking a fight in the heart of your victim's barracks when the Captain demonstrated once she can flambe you without thinking first? That particular problem isn't on you, but there's gotta be consequences for this collab, yo. What I can say to you is that Zan spirits don't possess their wielders as a matter of course. The best of them don't have to. I hope not to see a lot of that in the future.
90/94


Gloam
This collab, though...

Taming Nightmares
I swear, Lashiel should manifest and knock all your damn heads together. She should run a 'maleveloent zanpakutou spirits' class to teach yours how to behave. Are you laughing? 'Cause I'm half-serious. I'll start with the fact that you showed up to a fight that surprisingly didn't wake the entire damn barracks and involve two Captains - and given when Dys set the story, probably a sizable contingent of other forces from Seireitei - late. You explain it well enough, I give you that, but I'm not sure I liked it in a narrative sense. You tried to make up for it by dropping a chapturn and absolutely shattered the flow... plus there's the thing with the confusing hailstorm of colors that I eventually just gave up on using to help me determine who was writing what.
88/94

Mourning
Ole's dead?!!? Wait, this shocked me last week. Movin' on.
Writing someone else's NPCs is never easy. You had the benefit here that these ones were not particularly strongly developed, and you're doing a real quality solid to them, even as minor and epicly unimportant characters to grant closure to their plotline. All in all, nice thing to do. In general, the first time experiencing the grim realities of war can either be glossed over by a writer or explored, and given my comments in the past it's probably obvious I prefer the latter - you're milking this for plot, but you're also handing the death in a human way. Remembering that shinigami are basically human, with the same emotional capacity and hardships humans carry, is a great way to connect reader and character. You haven't always executed it perfectly, but you did well here and I should commend you for going for it at all.
52/52


Finny
Holy shit, you wrote?

See All You Can See
I like seeing the temporary Captains in action and seeing how they flesh out as characters, and not the malevolent monolithic Onmitsu we were introduced to in Stepping. Also, you always have lovely writing, especially that last line - it really was a flourish but it was a lovely flourish. Harkening back to Chasing Shadows, too, is always something I appreciate. You really hit all my 'olds are writing' buttons and you did it in a very well-developed collab, albeit a little rushed-feeling at times.
65/65