Doc
60 Div Bonus
Chapter, A Case of Crabs: 175
This:
“No more.” he grunted through clenched teeth, “HEAR ME! YOU WILL HAVE MY BODY NO MORE!”
Should be"
“No more
,” he grunted through clenched teeth
. “HEAR ME! YOU WILL HAVE MY BODY NO MORE!”
There are some parts that I think could use a comma. I'm not certain, though, I'm just saying I would have a comma there. Give a look and see how it feels.
In the midst of the strange quaking Akane had become completely frozen.
In preparation to clobber the ginger samurai it began its advance.
To even Gorou’s surprise Gunshin had fallen silent.
In the midst of the strange quaking
, Akane had become completely frozen.
In preparation to clobber the ginger samurai
, it began its advance.
To even Gorou’s surprise
, Gunshin had fallen silent.
Hmm, grammar, why you so hard? I guess my main logic for that is if you switch the part after the comma and the part before, it would work as a sentence without needing the comma.
Also, I dunno why, but the word clobber just feels so... comic-like after all of the other colorful descriptions that have been going on this chapter. It sort of broke the moment a bit.
This:
“You are right about one thing, Gunshin,” Gorou took in a deep breath, “because I cannot simply slay it as I have other hollows. But I can kill it,” he paused.
Should be more:
“You are right about one thing, Gunshin,” Gorou took in a deep breath, “because I cannot simply slay it as I have other hollows. But I can kill it
.”
He paused.
He paused does not directly say how the dialogue was said, and you already had one earlier, anyway. Generally, each line of dialogue should only have one part that describes how it is said.
Similar thing here:
“I killed a monster wearing my skin centuries ago, Gunshin. I will take this one to that same cliff and if it does not blink, I will do it again,” the samurai was at last resolute.
This should be:
“I killed a monster wearing my skin centuries ago, Gunshin. I will take this one to that same cliff and if it does not blink, I will do it again
.”
The samurai was at last resolute.
The samurai was at last resolute is its own sentence. It works by itself.
Now, on to more general comments. Hmm, I'm not quite sure which order reading this and the collab would go better. You posted the chapter first, but I read the collab first. The end of the chapter sort of implied hope, but I already knew the other ending.
The chapter itself was great. The madness and primal rage of the hollow really carried through all the way from start to end. Then the struggle between the two of them was done really well. I like how it played out. I probably wouldn't have fully gotten what was going on it if I hadn't read the collab first, though.
Nice job on both of these. It is a great sendoff.
Collab, The Beam of the Hero Will Kill All Villains: 135
So, not a Keiji chapter. I will admit, I've not seen as much of Gorou.
“Here. Safer f-for every...” he noticed the pain in his comrade’s eyes, “everybody. I cannot...I can’t,” he could not bare to utter the words.
This dialogue would end much nicer on a set of ellipses with the next sentence capitalized, as such:
“Here. Safer f-for every...” he noticed the pain in his comrade’s eyes, “everybody. I cannot...I can’t
...”
He could not
bear to utter the words.
Aw snap, cero blade.
This collab was great. All the details about the hollow, how it reacted to things were good. There were a lot of emotions running throughout the fight, and I felt the ending could have gone either way. Ketch gave out a spark of hope, and you extinguished it. From the buildup to the talking during the fighting, it was rife with sadness and desperation. This was sad, but really good. The ending turn from both characters just really hammered the feels in.
I'll just end my comment of this collab with this: Rad Bromance
30 Div Bonus
Collab, Chains: 83
This part:
...Is that not what symbolizes what we are?” He asked again.
Should be:
...Is that not what symbolizes what we are?”
he asked again.
He asked again is part of the same sentence, that's why it is not capitalized.
“Kill it.’ He said through clenched teeth.
Should be:
“Kill it
," he said through clenched teeth.
This is all one sentence, so the dialogue ends in a comma and the following part is not capitalized. Also you had a single quotation mark at the end there.
I won't say I fully get what's going on here, but Captain's get all the interesting stuff, even helping restore a zanpakutou spirit. It was certainly an interesting collab, and I enjoyed how it all played out. I enjoyed getting a look at a shinigami finding his spirit.
60 Div Bonus
Chapter, Interference: 180
Was that first paragraph a "previous on" section? It was useful, and I liked it.
And did you just add a "next time on" section? You dog, you.
Now then, onto the technical stuff.
This:
“So you’re my two contacts huh?
should be: "So you're my two contacts
, huh?"
When word changed the sentence from a statement to a question, it'll generally be preceded by a comma.
Also, there were a few paragraphs you forgot to put a space in between.
I feel like you feel the need to denote all dialogue with some variation of he said.
For instance:
This was a small bright spot as far as Mariko was concerned. She might have a chance to get away. Ideally she’d get back to Cerberus in time to warn Zakki and halt this whole operation. Of course there was one thing she had to know. She said, “I would indeed like to get right to business. I do have a question because Oni was vague about it. When is the first wave of attacks meant to happen? I only ask because of planning considerations.”
This one would be entirely fine without the She said. I know who's speaking, and it's not as if you're going into more detail than just she said.
Another case:
The Chairman raised an eyebrow and said, “So basically this is all designed to seem as though Cerberus was responsible. Well we’d better start dealing with the first wave now. I’m not sure how much we can really do about the Titans but if we know they’re coming, we can handle them.”
This could go without the and said. Just have him raise an eyebrow. Next sentence is him talking.
Also, Jones smiling isn't really directly describing how his voice/tone was. I think it would work better as: Jones smiled. "We will set off one..." I think this came about because you always include some form of he said with your dialogue. It's proper, but readers can fill in the blanks as long as you've carefully hinted at what the characters are doing.
You are missing a few commas before conjunctions. Basically, if the part before a conjunction is a complete sentence and the part after it is a complete sentence, it should have a comma.
I really liked these two chapters. This was a very Earth way of dealing with problems, and all the mystical stuff took a backseat to good old fashioned undercover work. I got a good sense of Ceberus operations and enjoyed how basically, the characters couldn't fireball their way out of a situation. It's cool to see that powers aren't an end-all solution to everything.
I hope Ono wasn't shot too badly, because the ball joint is in the shoulder. It's pretty hard to fix that area. And I think it would have been nice if she continued to help Zakki in this mission. Magical terrorism sounds like a fun thing to stop.
Collab, Old Fashioned: 108
It feels weird for a character to use the word tourney. It feels a lot like typing shorthand to me, but I guess people are starting to use that in colloquial speech, too.
If you really want to go for more human/shinigami interactions, you should probably go for a captain, or something. There were plenty around at the tournament. Nothing against Udo, with all due respect no disrespect.
Man, it kinda felt like you two were thugs jumping a guy for his bling. And I find the image of Ulrich just shuffling off while you two talk funny.
I still think Zakki does too much of this stuff himself. Even he thinks that. But I do like how he forges relationships, all friendly-like.
