Grading Session for Week 308

[Tenchra]

Group 4 -> Group 2 -> Group 3 -> Group 1 -> Group 5 -> Group 4

Group 1 (Hare): 1st/5th/9th Divisions
Group 2 (Raph): 2nd/3rd/6th/11th Divisions
Group 3 (Katie): 7th/10th/12th Divisions
Group 4 (Hiren): 4th/8th/13th Divisions
Group 5 (Moon): AHs/Vizards/Quincies
​

​

Grades due by 11:59 PM EST on Tuesday, December 24th

 

[Time Lady Katie]

I'm still waiting on people hopes and dreams for the Tenth. I guess by 'people', I mean Dys.

Gloam
Merry Christmas. 50 Division bonus. Don't spend it all in one place.

Glimpses of our Past
Ir might've been an artistic thing or a mistake in punctuation, but "No matter the weather." It sounded odd. And given the smattering of other typos I noticed, I'm guessing it's a mistake. Some proofreading might've done a lot of good here. I'm also not sure what's going on with your zanpakutou's characterization here, but you seemed cognizant of the inconsistency, so I'm going to assue you're exploring it deeper. I also, in general, liked the story you told. It was cute and exploring the way death and life color one's afterlife is an interesting theme to develop, and one rarely explored. Maybe it being rarely explored is why it's interesting? But wither way, good topic!
But the biggest problem here is chronology. Hello Kitty was introduced in 1974. Ren lived a dozen or so years after this moment, I presume. If your backstory is airtight, that's 21 years in Rukongai, and honestly at the oldest she'd still be massively young compared to other shinigami. Really, really, really young. Like, Adele has 20-some years on you and is still remarkably young. All this would be reasonable if you didn't then say Ren was 150. It helps to know the time period - Ren lived in the late 1800s, almost a century before Hello Kitty and if she lived to see the first airplane, it was only just barely. Maybe this is strange priorities, but the wild chronology here confused the hell outta me.
100/117

To(o) Useless
So, this assignment is weird, but hey. Also, D-rank Hollows leveling towns seems a bit melodramatic, but considering I demolished ArcelorMittal Orbit, I'm not going to judge. I do like how loss has affected Nevada, making her frightened of conflict. It's been refreshing to see someone really take to heart the death of a comrade. The combat was interesting, in a good way, but for something you guys built up pretty intensely I was a little disappointed at the anticlimactic speed with which things were resolved. When you talk a big game, remember to deliver a tense situation.
107/110

Charades
I'm reminded that Adelaide is the only person in the Tenth who knows what Yuurei actually looks like. That's fun.
Until now anyway. This collab was honestly as amazing as the previous ones, and a delight coming off of two other works that had enough distractions that they didn't really entice me. You guys are amazing together and I love these.
85/85


Dr. Captain Mango
... seriously just become Tenth Capt again. 50 Division. Merry Christmas.

Remembrance
I hate grading you because I feel like I should just auto-give you max points and be done with it.
In a lot of ways this reminds me of the collab we never finished. It's funny, the vulnerable side of Nana is so like Adelaide, but she tries so hard to hide it where Adelaide wallows in it. Also, I loved the moment where Lilith wondered if Nana was actually a man. That got me actually, honestly, laughing out loud. I also never got to see your spirit's characterization before, which was a rare treat. Take the points, you were going to get them anyway. I'm a babbling fangirl.
166/166


Hare
Good decision grading this week. 50 Division for random Christmas love and fervor.

Done Goofed
But I didn't see anything, so I don't think you actually get the Division I gave you.








For my grader:

Ghosts of Christmas Eve​

 

[Apeiron]

Bob
20 Min 50/53

The collab you and Fin did was pretty nice and short display of what happened after Lucas’s run-in with a Q. Not too much to say about the collab as it was a set up for the next collab, and God help Lucas for whatever Picca wants out of this deal. It’ll probably be something like embarrassing photos or what have you.

Anyways. The overall feel I get from Lucas in this collab is pretty defeated and worn. Given that he’d just gotten out of a fight and lost an arm (again) because of it, small wonder. Your writing-flow hit bumps along the way, but only because your typos are really glaring. Please pay attention to your turns just a little bit more as this is a trend I see not just in this collab, but all of your writing.

Doc
Chap 57/57

So. First bit o’ reading I get from you, and it’s full of bleedin’ errors.

Not really. Anyways it was a nice little chapter to display someone’s reaction to Point of the Spear and the conclusion it came to. The only minor detail I really come to is whether or not the clones would still be functioning as they were (surveillance clone aside) but I’m willing to ignore that one for story reasons as it was nice to see the clones panicking and because it doesn’t really add/subtract from anything. Keiji’s friends could have easily held the conversation the clones did.

But yeah. Looking towards whatever comes next. Best of luck to Keiji.

Fin
T:MvK 10/10
Viz collab 28/28
20 Min 53/53

Spectator turn. Easy to read (and fun), easy to grade. No real comments on this other than it was pretty enjoyable to see Picca’s reaction -- and the image of her cursing like a Scotsman is priceless.

Hotate’s resurgence in the viz collab was another nice thing to see. She didn’t particularly do much, but then again no one really did. Still, getting all the breathing vizards into one room is a good step forward and the fact that Hotate’s presence alone helped others speaks for her character alone. Wonder if we’ll see more of Hotate as the V try to pick up some plot.

You’re getting full points for all your writing, might I point out. The reason for that is because, inspite of the very few typos and other errors I caught/would argue, your writing was very solid of all your characters. Something that the collab you and Bob did really helps emphasize. So, with that, enjoy your week of full points.

+25 div points

Mon
Chap 72/72

Wow. In medias res? The set up for this chapter at the beginning was wonderfully done, Mewn, and I appreciate the synopsis of “LAST TIME ON DRAGON BALL ZAKKI”.

But seriously, this chapter was really good. Reading it alone, not knowing anything else, you get the feel of suspense and danger that’s looming around. And while some might not think twice about it, killing a character is some good way to raise the bar for a character -- especially one like Zakki who probably, legitimately, cares for Cerb peeps. I hope they stop those bombs, man. Otherwise Zakki’s going to have to start explaining to someone why Tokyo’s crime rate is suddenly rising.

+25 div points

 

[K3]

GROUP TWO GRADING​

Rob: + 50 Division Bonus

161/166 - Remembrance [6620]

So I got on you about not giving much material for the other writer to work with, and it looks like you took steps to fix that... but only to a certain extent. Lil has the writing experience to build on a collab without needing much material, but you once again fall into the trappings of giving little to no prompts for your collab partners.

Nana brings Lilith to Ukiyo no Riku, and then you just drop off. Ukiyo no Kohon makes an ominous statement, and you just drop off. There's no real openings for someone to build on, you're tying a bow off on the end of every turn and while that works for people who are experienced enough to be able to build on their own... others can't. Even for those with that kind of experience, it can be exhausting.

Moving away from that, the content here was amazing. There's a lot of lore and history and world-building in this collab and I love that shit so there is some bias. I think the fun dialogue between Nana and Lilith did end a bit prematurely in favor of Kerushi's little existential crisis, but the sudden increase in pacing perhaps demanded it. Try to work on making a transition fit the tone of a collab. For something so laid back, Nana's sudden offer and the rapid spiralling into Ukiyo no Riku came off as a little abrupt.​

Thana: + 50 Division Bonus

52/57 - Long, Long Way From Home [2267]

This collab felt a little bloated, to an extent. Shukumei's insistence met Miya's stubbornness and nothing really develops as a result. I'm not sure if the intent was to display Shukumei's growing backbone or Miya's resolve to get back to her family, but you and Val literally had the same exhange like five times in a row with no changes.

When you do a collab with someone, make sure you go into it with solid intent. It's good to see someone's plans get stonewalled to all hell, but not when it's not going to lead into anything else. If you guys had left me or any other reader with the promise of something else to come, I wouldn't have so much of a problem with it.​

Guest Grader: Katie: + 50 Division Bonus

55/55 - The Ghosts of Christmas Eve [1090]

Take the points for a poem with a consistent rhyming scheme. Merry Christmas.​

Raph's Links for Week 308:

Just Another Monster
Welcome to the Masquerade​

 

[Nargles]

PACKING. WINDOWS 8. GRADE. OH GOD HEADACHE.

ANNOUNCEMENT: NELLA IS GRADING NEXT WEEK BECAUSE ILL BE ON VACATION.

Pho:

Trouble Within [117/117] + 25 Div

For a talking sake bottle, Space Ratchet is totally srs. It's kind of amusing due to the fact that Udo was the humorous component throughout this. It kind of read like a fetch quest. Do this. Do this. Now save-a da princess! That aside, good work all together to set the groundwork for your Bankai shenanigans. I'm looking forward to see manifestations of a talking sake bottle in as many situations as possible.

Lambo:

Two (too) Useless [108/110] + 25 Div

Seeing Okita as a kind of awkward leader of the most awkward mission team was a fun read. I did like how he actually showed emotions of nervousness and general unsureness on the situation. The fact that he didn't suffer from swagger of 'oh it's just a mission' was great. You managed to keep Reshin and Nevada in focus and overall it turned out to be a really well done piece all together. There were a few hiccups with flow, where you seemed to repeat what was written in the previous turn but it only happened a few times throughout.

Reshin:

Too Useless [106/110] + 25 Div

I've brought this up to most people at one time or another but it applies here again. Sometimes your zan becomes this chatty kathy that just keeps up constantly with the mental pokes. I think this is a distinctively noob thing as as peoples writing seems to mature with their chars, their zans seem to talk less and less and the focus is shifted back to how the PC reacts. This is something I feel like you should work on because I feel like Reshin seems to get the short end of the stick when he seems to mainly be pushed around by what his zan is saying. It kind of makes it hard to get a feel for him as a character when he's playing call and response with this zan. Try keeping an eye on this and making sure that the focus really stays on the development of your main PC

Phantoms [70/76]

Holy colors Batman. So as a word of advice. Good colors: Dark ones. Bad Colors: Eye bleed greens and pinks. Also try to limit the number of colors you use to like... two at most. For some reason people think that colors are needed to differentiate characters when correctly writing each character should make it obvious. Hell, most of the time I just keep everything at one solid color the entire time. These many colors makes it a technicolor seizure.

So I like how you're trying out a more somber theme. It's getting there but there's some stumbles. The main thing is a lack of scene setting. It's really hard to convey a tone if the environment isn't well described. That also applies to the people involved. Try adding a bit more depth in descriptions and adding more inner monologue when possible. Right now it seemed a bit melodramatic which made things a bit difficult to get immersed into.

Nella

Charades [169/169] + 75 Div for WOW.

Wow. Just wow you guys. This was really really well done and a really great read. I can't nitpick negatives because the interaction between your characters was amazing. There's a dynamic here that's really special and the introspection and revealing of secrets was written perfectly. It was super immersive and it's honestly one of my favorite collabs I've read in a while. GO WRITE FOLLOWUP NOW.

Raph

Masq [44/46]

I talked to you about what I thought about Tougen in this piece. If you want any follow-up or anything just IM me.

Monster [51/51]

Tougen seemed to pop up out of nowhere haha. Anyway, I do like his honorable opponent type of personality he has going on. It's a refreshing read, though a bit melodramatic at times. He did council Manzou well and it'll be interesting to see what happens the next time they meet. He does pull off that whole 'I just want to talk to people' vibe really well so that's always nice to read.

 

[MoonlitRain014]

Val

Long, Long Way from Home [113 /113]

So as usual I am going to be too nice (probably) and give you a perfect grade. Maybe its the Christmas spirit or something or else I am just being Mewn. At any rate, I really enjoyed the way that while this was a chase, it was also a way for Shukumei to think about his past and what he gave up as well as what he was okay with giving up. I enjoyed reading it!


Welcome to the Masquerade [100 /100]

What we have here is a wild Vizard round up! You did a very creditable job of corralling all of those vizard-y varmints. Right, maybe I'd better stop with the horrible Western movie stuff. Seriously though it was a great job and it really does set up a whole cascade of actions. Good job!


Ketch

Just Another Monster [51/51]

Okay you hit me right in the feel button, Ketch. All of those feels man. So many of them. Damn I actually, literally had a lump in my throat over this one. I felt the tears wanting to start and that is not an exaggeration. You have succeeded in touching the Moon. Good work sir. It was nicely written.