Grading Session for Week 311

[Time Lady Katie]

Group 3 -> Group 4 -> Group 1 -> Group 5 -> Group 2

Group 1 (Hare): 1st/5th/9th Divisions
Group 2 (Raph): 2nd/3rd/6th/11th Divisions
Group 3 (Katie): 7th/10th/12th Divisions
Group 4 (Hiren): 4th/8th/13th Divisions
Group 5 (Moon): AHs/Vizards/Quincies
​

Grades are due by 11:59 PM EST on Tuesday, 14 January 2014​

 

[Time Lady Katie]

Gloam, since [4th] is your tag this week, I'm assuming that your transfer is complete. Fond farewell.

It literally is between hours and days for the major changes the Tenth is about to see. Last chance for interested parties to give input.

Mango's grades came in a bit late, largely because I underestimated how long they'd take (mostly because I accidentally graded more than this week) and how bad I'd be feeling. I'll pass on the kan this week and will take the 1% penalty at her order, but please include these on the grading doc in the future.


Dys
Last Mystic Standing. 100 Division for making me put in a lot of work despite having so few people to grade.


Lake Lesson
This collab made me sad because of the collab that gets posted this week. Alas, it was a nice book-end to Lilith and the Mystics of the Divine, and your part in it simply couldn't have been played by anyone else. This collab couldn't have gone any other way and still rerain its meaning, and so you certainly wil collect full points.
77/77

Did You Know You're a Psycho
Man, Adele pulled rank harder than Adelaide ever would, which is amusing considering. One note: Far Skies takes two turns to activate. While outside combat I've let people play a little loose with this, she would've needed to start the process sooner in order to pop out after her pithy remarks. Other than that, this was good. I like how Adele is already starting to seem like Vice-Captain material, and is protecting the division fairly intensely.
67/70

Just so You Know
Udo really is Acting Captain at this point, huh? Sappho save us all. But seriously, it was a great idea to do this, I think Adele is handling this entire situation with remarkable professionalism. I do wish this encounter were a bit longer, or that we had the party finished before this so someone could've mentioned the rain of marshmallows, but hey, it was good for what it was.
34/34

Personal Chapters
In Underneath you slipped into present tense, which isn't really the style we use here. Some people might say don't use it at all, but I think if done sparingly and for literary reasons you can get away with having it be impactful. I kind of liked how it was done here, but I wouldn't do it often and wouldn't expect other graders to be as forgiving of it. Also, don't abbreviate zanpakuou in writing. I knew that the roma found gypsy offensive, but that's a more modern reality. If you want to do that, it's great, but there's no penalties for historical accuracy. The second half was pretty solidly cute, though. I approve. I am going to need to hit you over the tensing and 'zan' instead of 'zanpakutou', though.
80/89

Upon a Quiet Winter Night
It's been a while since we did a quality sisterly collab, and I enjoyed this one greatly. There was a wide range of topics covered in this almost 6K but I chalk that up to the mysticism and poetry of meeting a loved one by starlight. It's kind of freeing. And another of your cats decided it liked Adelaide, so that's a bonus for me, right? I'll fetch us a collab bonus.
147/148

Tell Me over Ice Cream
Amusingly, I don't think Adelaide knows yet. Anyway, my only real critique here is that the wait is never that short at Olive Garden, but I suppose some artistic license must be granted. I'm curious about Adele's secret, but have no particular problems to dwell on.
88/88


Mango
The Littlest Mango.

Lake Lesson
I don't think a bad thing could be said about your writing ever by anyone without being jealous or lying. But I will say that this feels kind of tragic in it's low magnitude before the big event.
77/77

Red Carpet Homecoming PM BONUS
Disclaimer: we've changed the policy on if PM bonus applies to less than a thousand words so many times I have no idea. I'm awarding it. Because.
So, you were mysterious and stuff happened and I have only a fifth of an idea what. All in all, normal PM thread. No strong notes on this one way or another because no idea what's going on.
61/61

hellohell PM BONUS
I'm so jealous of these people who won this. Nothing especially interesting to say. Points. I'm looking forward to seeing what comes next.
31/31


Non-Believer PM BONUS
Same story as above about the bonus.
Slightly more of an idea what's going on. Only slightly. Honestly, I spent more time trying to understand where we were with PM bonus than anything else, but I have devoted some effort to figuring out the breadcrumbs you're dropping. On the off-chance I figure anything out, I'll bug you.
90/90


Drag
Have 50 Division! Because someone Twelfth wrote and that's something to celebrate.

Fight Alone
Welcome to your Bankai Arc! The one worthwhile critique I have here is straight-up combat is a bit formulaic. If that's what you want to do, go for it, but try being cleverer about your bankai arc. Your weapon told you to be tactical, so as a writer try thinking outside the box.
80/80


Hiren
And I have to grade this one anyway...

Intention in Action
The fact that Gloam changed division tags during this week made what otherwise feels like a pretty standard training collab into a bittersweet farewell. For your part in this, Lucia remains one of the mose oddball characters in a zany cast that is HD. She's effective at what she does, too, which makes her oddball nature all the more interesting. You're mechanically fine enough that I don't feel a need to really go into things, and I'm happy to award you points. Take them. Enjoy them.
103/103






For my Grader:

Upon a Quiet Winter Night​

 

[MoonlitRain014]

Val

Just Routine [84/86]

Well that was nicely done. With the exception of one awkwardly phrased sentence and the part where you wrote "I guess" at the end of a sentence instead of "he guessed" for Shukumei. I like the fact that you're creating a plot that's deeper for Shuku and that I don't know where its going at all. The way you portrayed his sense of impending concern that ended with him getting jumped and drugged was well planned. I look forward to seeing more of this arc. Oh and all our div bonus belong to you.

Also if I missed anyone, kick me sharply in the ass.

 

[Nargles]

OH GOD I HATE YOU ALL (NO SRS) (TTL SRS) (WHY U WRITE SO MUCH)
.
.
.
(JK <3 YOU ALL)
(OR DO I?)
(I DO... NOT... LOL... OR AM I NOT LOLING)

(P.S. Welcome to the Fourth Gloam)


Ketch: + 50 div
Obligatory lol Quincies note.

To Her [53/54]
I can tell this is somewhat of an old chapter. That may be an indication to your improvement as a writer but overall this was a solidly written chapter. There seemed to be a bit of issue with the pacing as at times it kind of felt a bit too slow and dragged on in the middle. Jumping into your work midway through is a bit harder because I’m kind of lost though through additional grading I should be able to catch up and provide you more constructive info on your plot.

hellohell [41/46]
Hmm... so mysterious PM start is mysterious. I guess my main issue I have with this is honestly the length. It felt... too short almost. It kind of betrays the sense of weight and the whole feeling of an unknown enemy if it shows up at the end for a single turn to piledrive Rudo. The beginning felt a bit too long and seemed to suddenly gas-pedal at the end. In general I think to make a PM setup flow more smoothly, it needs to be handled with a bit of care to make sure that it’s almost this slow building, cinematic build up, especially since these monthlies are starting so early.

Gloam: + 50 div
Ice Cream [87/88]
Yay Fourth things! Anyway, onto the collab. I’m rather surprised that Adele took it so well. It’s actually a pretty motivating piece to read since it was void of all the division switch melodrama that sometimes happens. No people death vows made, just a casual chat over food. Hurray. Careful on some of your tenses. About halfway through you seem to schizo between present and past tense.

Two Peas [112/119]
Totally seems familiar since I graded this last week! Anyway the same comments from last week apply. I liked how it was more character focused between your two chars as opposed to too many mental zan pokes. It was a standard grunt work mission so there’s not much enlightenment I can shed so good job overall.

Intention in Action [??/104]
So this was honestly one of my more... standard training collabs if that makes sense? Ciro did some but those were more ‘beat up this other person... for science!’. Lucia did some with Haresuno but they were about evenly matched in strength. It was fun so I rather enjoyed it. You get whatever Katie gives me.

Contest [100/102]
Like I know fighting hollows is a shinigami’s job but daaaaaaaaamn am I getting bored of hollow hunts haha. I think it’s because of the lack of interaction that can be made with the low-level mindless ones. Espada and Arrancar sure. They have personalities that are pretty interesting, basic ones not so much. Careful on your spacing between words, it was probably an issue from C/P. Wish I could say more but hollow hunt saturation @_@.

Pho + 25 div
Cabbages [54/57]
Annnnd dat name. Bonus points from me. Udo is quite chivalrous, always ladies first and whatnot. Nice to see that trait actually roll from collab to collab. But ughhhhhhh hollow fight number three for today. It’s not anything against your or the writers, there’s just only so much I can grade before they all start melding together. You both wrote a standard fare hollow fight so good job.

Contest [100/102]
Above grades for the most part hit it. Hollow hunts.

Just so You Know [25/35]
Too short. Flat out. Too short. I know there’s no length requirement, but 2K is generally that nice point where you can actually have a halfway decent story built up. There was potential that honestly wasn’t even remotely tapped by this length of a collab. Take your time, write out things and honestly push for more information to expand on the topic. It seemed way too vanilla and there wasn’t really any depth created through this.

Reshin + 15 div
Contest [100/102]
The above notes apply but I also want to add in a note about how I think this collab was a really good way to work out fights. It was a bit rough last week but this is the kind of combat sort of setup that I like. The lack of bold announcements was a help and keep up working on it and you’ll get there.

Psycho [55/70]
I feel like Reshin is trying a bit too hard to brood. When I read this is kind of felt... I dunno, unnatural? I mean like I know you were trying for that whole ‘shock factor’ bit but from what else I’ve read of him, it seemed so out of character. Like, murderous intent is something that I feel needs to be slowly developed and built up. What the previous fight and this follow up showed was more of a ‘ROAR IM ANGRY! KILLDEATH.’ It kind of betrays any sort of drama when it hits melodrama immediately. Try working on slowly developing it or at least writing a few pchaps so we can get a good look at why he’s actually so out of character.

Nella + 10 div
Cabbages [54/57]
Hurk blargh hollow hunt. See Pho’s comments. It was a rather humorous one and the end note actually made me chuckle. Good work overall but I’m honestly burnt out from reading this littany of hollow hunts right now. In this grading post there’s some assorted mix of comments about hunts lol.

Katie :http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?38621-4th-10th-Week-311-Intention-in-Action

 

[K3]

Group Two Grading
Notify me of missed writing.​

Rob:

50/61 - Of Sword and Shield [1225]

Typos ahoy, I can tell you rushed the shit outta this.

Just because you say you messed up mythology in a note doesn't actually make it okay that you messed up mythology, and the leeway you have is measured in perception and agency of character, not flat out misunderstanding the material.

Couple things about Kyra. One, you contradict a couple of her statements by stating she doesn't remember much of her life prior to death... except all these detailed memories that affect her so deeply that it actually tangibly impacts her ability as a shinigami. Two, didn't really seem to get much of a picture of her from this. You do a lot of telling instead of showing, and a lot of exposition instead of conveyance.

It's flashback after flashback without any agency for the character. We haven't witnessed her doing anything, haven't seen her make any decisions for her history to have context. As far as I can tell, all you did was recount her biography in chapter form. I've covered this stuff before with you, Rob. Don't get sloppy just because you need your Consecutive fix.​

Switch:

60/64 - Inferno Act One [1281]

Welcome back Switch, let's get down to business shall we?

Amaya feels a bit shallow as a character in this. I recall her prior to you leaving, and coming back I feel as though she's become entirely one-dimensional in nature. Tragedy begets violence begets tragedy, and there's no seeming rhyme or reason for it. You break Amaya down but don't seem to build her back up in any way.

When a character undergoes tragedy, or trauma of any nature be it physical, mental, psychological, or sexual... these things require weight for the audience to empathize with the characters. To empathize with their plight. With repetition all things meant to evoke emotional response lose weight. You need to space out breaking your characters down to give them time to build back up, to learn from this tragedy, move beyond it, and prepare for the next one. It's how character development is formed.

That aside, the content of the collab is mostly error-free. You messed up the last line of dialogue (bad form when it's the most distinct line we're meant to remember). I hope we get to see more to Amaya than this violent tragedy that she's always been, and I really hope we get to see her actually move beyond it instead of just constantly being stuck in the cycle.​

Guest Grader: Katie:

142/148 - Upon a Quiet Winter Night [5900]

So this was kind of all over the place. Like, all over the place. I couldn't quite tell what the intended purpose of the collab was, it seemed as though you and Dys kept this going trying to find any topic to extend it. You go from hiding from your problems to daddy issues to nightmares to teaching Hikaru a lesson, and it doesn't really flow all that well.

When you find a goal for a collab, make sure that any possible segue to another topic is natural, and makes sense for the train of thought characters are expressing. Moving on, you have smatterings of typos throughout, and the dialogue between Adelaide and Adele feels very stilted. Adele gives very neutral responses to things, and Adelaide goes off on a monologue. This is fine once or twice in a collab, but every round? It feels awkward, and less like the two are having a conversation and more like Adelaide is just lecturing her.

The issue irons out a little later, but only as a result of you now splitting the dialogue between Adelaide and Lashiel.​

 

[Apeiron]

Unless someone else picks up group 1, y'all will be late. I'm working.

 

[Apeiron]

Berz
Chap 69/69

Light, simple, and well done. For my first read of Light - or Mikael - this was a great way to get introduced to him.

I didn’t find any technical errors and the flow of it all was well done. The characters felt fleshed out and real, as well as the situation. Well done. Not much else to really say. Except for he might be oblivious to women.

Lambo
Collab 81/81

Only need one word count man.

Really because you wrote this yourself, with very little help from Lil -- though she was there and her writing was nice.

I’m really hoping that this leads into more collabs between you and Lil, as currently this collab could have just been done as a chapter w/o losing anything.

I didn’t see any real mechanical or grammatical errors that detracted from this overall, which is really good as it was essentially 2k combat writing.

Your combat writing is something I’d like to focus on, as you did very well with it. Good fight-writing is difficult to do, and yours here was well done. It did feel a tad like a chore to read all of it, but that was only here or there.

I’m curious to see what else is in store for Abbey, and looking forward to it.

+25 to Berz and Lambo

Mewn and Brood, your stuff will be up here tomorrow. Sorry for such a long wait on these grades guys.

 

[Apeiron]

Brood and Mewn
Collab 100/113

Hm. Flow, pace, and transition. Those are the only three things in this piece that I felt could use improvement - also minor grammatical stuff, but that’s a constant with any writer. At least I think so.

Two examples of authors I can give to these things are Robert Jordan and Jim Butcher. I’m not using these as a comparison basis, but as a reference what I see as two different ways to write fight writing.

As I’ve seen fight-writing go there are two types of styles to go off of. The first is very descriptive and in-depth. It goes into the inner turmoil of a character as they face something more powerful than them. This style is something you’ll see paragraphs about. It’ll feel like, or should if done right, a titanic clash of powers meeting one another that stretches on when in reality the fight was done and over with in a matter of moments. It’s done with long sentences and flowing description about this or that important detail in a fight with an active voice. Robert Jordan did this by using comparisons of sword-fighting styles, a little bit of author cheating, mixed with character and turmoil. Sit down some time and just read the first three books. You don’t have to read any more than that. I saw hints here and there of this style in the collab, but ultimately for this to work the two of you needed the next style.

The other style is more action-based and fills in for longer-going fights. It reads faster, hits on emotions briefly for no more than three or four sentences, and keeps the pages turning. Its not that its less descriptive as it is more concise. Jim Butcher uses this style to a large degree between his Dresden Files and Codex Alera. It’s done by varying the lengths of your paragraphs and using shorter words with an active voice. So instead of having blocky paragraph after blocky paragraph, you’ll be left with five to seven short paragraphs going through an action sequence.

Jim rushed the centaur, his sword gripped and tilted to the side.

The centaur charged in response, it’s own magic-wrought lance tipped at Jim’s throat. It’s hooves shook the earth under Jim’s armoured feet, nearly sending him sprawling to the ground.

The knight recovered though it cost him his momentum. The centaur barrelled down on him with all the ferocious speed it’s kind were graced with, poison-tipped lance ever-nearer to Jim. His heart hammered against his armor as fear and hesitation gripped him. If he didn’t move, if he didn’t do something, it was over. He was dead and his love forever lost to the depths of the soulless forest that bound her.

But he couldn’t give up.

He wouldn’t.

Not when he was so close.

Not when she was right there.

His armour felt heavy, and without a second thought Jim gave in to its weight. The cold steel dragged him down as the world around him slowed to a painful crawl. Everything moved as if swimming through molasses -- everything except the point of the centaur’s lance. Inch by inch it split the air like an arrow shot by Artemis herself...

Lengthy example, I know, but you get the point. I hope.

Main reason I say this would have been the best style is because the dialogue feels out of place throughout most of the collab during the fighting.

Other than that a lot of the problems I had with this collab was that it didn’t feel... well legitimate. This is likely because I haven’t read much of Zakki and Theo’s work. It was likely intended as a continuation of a series going on between the two of you, but all in all I felt lost. The build up didn’t feel like it was there, the confrontation was immediate and awkward, the climax and cliff-hanger unpolished...

Add to that the lack of scenery description (I thought they were at a church, then a graveyard, then out in the boonies) or anything other than action and what you’ve got is pretty dry.

Decide which of the two styles you want to use. You don’t have to pick one or the other forever, but decide on what you want the fight to mean to the two characters.

Now, to be clear the two of you didn’t do anything bad, but if there are going to be more you’ll need to polish it a bit. If this is a continuing series, throw back some references that naturally add to the collab. Reading this as a first time-go for this, I have no idea what The Point was, or any real idea as to what the goal was other than finding “a hollow”. No real suspense or struggle. Just. Just facts and the skeleton of what can, and eventually will be, a very satisfying end.

+25 for each because I think this will shape up nicely, and it feels like you guys want this to be a meaningful story arc.