Gloam + 75 Div
You Can’t Be Up Here [94/98]
Gonna random tangent even though I don’t grade you Brood. I swear to brown jesus if Lucia finds out that Theo has been having kinky fuckery on the Fourth roof she’s going to pile drive him into Maggot’s Nest.
Anyway, pretty good job on this Ren. I’m a bit confused with what form Ren was taking. I was under the impression that she usually took the form of a man but Theo kept using the word ‘she’ to describe him. I’m not sure if that was some miscommunication or if it was intentionally like that.
Be a bit careful with some of your descriptors for spells or even appearances. You got a bit long winded in some of them so it was less trying to picture the situation and more trying to figure out what the dozens of descriptors meant.
Setting Plans in Motion [55/61]
You’re getting better at balancing two chars in the same thread. It’s a bit tricky and I think collab fell into the problem most of these do. Ren seemed to be more like an auxiliary narrator in this thread than a full contributor. I kind of feel like if you removed her the thread would have gone on as normal. If you’re planning on using multiple chars make sure that you’re not having one pretty much mega-outshine the other one. Otherwise, it makes me question why they were even there in the first place.
Campfire [88/88]
Such flirting. Wow. Shipping hard.
Anyway, good collab. It was nice to see Nevada introduce her decision to actually swap and weighing on it. From her tone it seems like she’s still pretty up in the air about it. That being said, you and Pho did a good job in setting the mood and it actually was a pretty nice and fun collab to read.
Doctor [66/67]
Congrats on your first obligatory healing collab. There’s going to be plenty of these to come. Anyway, solid stuff, pretty similar to how these sort of ‘let’s fix you up’ collabs go. There’s not much input I can give on this since I’ve read stuff like this before. Just a general hint but these collabs are ripe opportunities to amp up the character interaction between people.
The Gift [69/69]
Good training start you two. This was actually fun to read. Having Ren actually struggle a bit due to her lack of formal education was a nice touch and I hope this keeps up! I’m looking forward to part two where things get a bit more intense because of the emergency room. You and Nella have good flow going on so these collabs are a pleasure to read.
Chapters [127/133]
God damn. So much reading. Anyway, random pet peeve from me. I’m not a fan of sudden color changes mid paragraphs. It seemed a bit weird when it changed from purple to green for Nevada mid paragraph. Personally, I don’t color code people mainly because from the writing alone it should be evident who is speaking.
Seems like Ren and Nevada are slowly settling into their respective divisions and roles. I’m kind of interested in reading where Nevada goes from here considering with Kago MIA she’s pretty much in charge of Reshin and Hikaru.
I kind of liked your little summary chapter with the diary entries. It’s a pretty interesting way to act as a summary point for people reading it. Though if you want to read some really good notebook things, check some of Will’s writing with Sayis and his notebooks. Those are great reads and if you’re thinking about keeping this up I’d take a look at those.
Resh + 25 Div
Setting Plans in Motion [52/61]
I don’t think people actually mentally think about how dastardly their plans are. I’ve brought this up before, but the key to successfully writing a brooding, planning person is figuring out what to say and what to leave hidden. I kind of have this thing down considering I wrote the person who got voted the Biggest Douchebag/Psychotic for quite a while.
If you have to tell me that Resh is psychotic then you’re doing it wrong. To do this successfully, you need to have me get to that conclusion myself. Ciro never said ‘MAN IM RATHER INSANE’ (well kind of but shut up Raph). It was conveyed through his actions. For example, instead of simply ousting the old cerberus head, he bashed his head against the wall until the wall was colored a delightful shade of gray matter.
If you want Resh to be taken seriously as someone who’s a brooding, psycho type then you have to work on it being a part of every one of his actions. Make it so it’s my natural conclusion and not something that you have to inform me I should be thinking.
Pho + 25 Div
Campfire [87/88]
As above, great job you two. It was nice and I was really happy to hear Udo’s reasons for swapping because he seemed to invested in the Eighth by this point. Still a bit sad, though I totally saw it coming, that the Eighth is pretty much empty again. Otherwise, the main quip I have is sometimes you had wall of text paragraphs, especially towards the end, that were rather difficult to read through. Add more paragraph breaks so I don’t get blindsided by them again please.
Lost [52/57]
Well this was anticlimactic.... and far too short. I don’t know, I was expecting more from the really solid opening you two had. But like the whole obvious revelation of Toki as a vizard seemed to be not really goad that much of reaction. I kind of was hoping for more of a confrontation or at least questioning since it seemed to gaspedal to the finish after what could have been a really interesting start because they were both ex-Ninth. I don’t know, I guess I was just left waiting for something more interesting to end on.
Nella + 25 Div
The Gift [68/69]
Damn well written training collab. Miyahara seems to be coming into her own as a healer rather well and she definitely pulled the whole instructor thing off really well. It’s kind of funny because this training collab was similar to what Lucia did to teach Miyahara but without the insanity. Just a quick note, a few times you didn’t capitalize the word Miss.
That’s just a minor nitpick so keep up the good work on this and I’m glad that this is stretching into a two parter!
Telltale [20/28]
Well that didn’t seem to go anywhere... I’m still kind of confused what was going on there since it seemed to end in such an awkward place. I feel like it was more time limit’d out than actually concluded. Ehhh, be careful about this since that just made this feel kind of empty to read.
