Grading Session for Week 316

[Time Lady Katie]

Group 4 -> Group 2 -> Group 5 -> Group 1 -> Group 3 -> Group 4

Group 1 (Hare): 1st/5th/9th Divisions
Group 2 (Raph): 2nd/3rd/6th/11th Divisions
Group 3 (Katie): 7th/10th/12th Divisions
Group 4 (Hiren): 4th/8th/13th Divisions
Group 5 (Moon): AHs/Vizards/Quincies​

Grades are due by 11:59 PM EST on Tuesday, 18 February 2014​

 

[Dysney]

Wotcher Group 3. Dys grades again.
PM me if anything has been missed or if there are any miscalculations.

Katie
Hi! First time grading you, it’s interesting I have to say. Never thought I’d grade my grader. Enough on that, 25 div bonus because I like you and I liked this chapter.

Commentary:
Graces
To start, I must say I love your writing style. The conversational tone you use when narrating. Sentences are clear and easy to follow and you use enough descriptions to make things interesting, but not enough to be distracting. It’s also interesting to see Adelaide taking on a more positive perspective on life. Before, she had a lot of self disliking stuff going on but in this chapter she’s appreciating the good things in life and refusing to let her past ruin the moment. Kudos on some good character development.

I found one typo in your 1250 words, which might have been an intentional use of the word “herself” in this sentence.

typo maybe?

She wrapped an arm around the sleeping Evie, and herself began to drift.

It would read just a tad smoother if you had omitted the word “herself”, for example

example

She wrapped an arm around the sleeping Evie, and began to drift.

That’s just me nitpicking though.

So, for the enjoyable read take a 62/63

Keeping the Peace
This piece was an interesting contrast to ‘Luxuriant Graces’ in that Adelaide’s attitude is more poignant rather than bittersweet, which makes sense since I don’t think she really enjoyed talking about the whole 9th vs 10th issue. Overall, you kept Adelaide’s moods pretty stable and did very well with emotional transitions. Another thing you did well in this collab was balancing how much you and Ketch talked and narrated in your turns. This had the potential to become rather one sided since Manzou was interviewing Addie, but this was neatly avoided and Adelaide was pretty concise (for Adelaide) in describing events.

More specifically, it was interesting to see your character’s disposition. Adelaide had a calm and professional demeanor, but it didn’t detract from her expressing her dislike of Feng or the Onmitsukidou. I didn’t find any typos on your part, so well done on your proofreading.

119/119

Dil
Take 30 div bonus for the brief remarks.

Commentary:
White as a Whale
This was a relatively dry chapter, which in this case is a good thing. Your writing style supports Mikhael's character. It's a refreshing contrast compared to all the flashy emotional, or cold stoic characters to see a guy who's more objective. He seems like a no nonsense type of man who's focused on his goals, likewise your narration focuses on what's important to the plot and details that highlight the crime scene Mikhael was investigating rather than waxing poetic on everything. In short, the writing technique you used was good. Your mechanics were also pretty solid; I didn't notice any typos, grammar mistakes, spelling errors, or abused apostrophes while reading this.

113/113

Gloam & Hiren

Hi, you two can take 47 div bonus each. First time grading and such.

Commentary:
Welcome to the Fourth
This was a pretty smooth read, Lucia and Ren’s interactions were entertaining and remained the focus of the collab. The dialogue between you guys’ characters was consistent and balanced out the narration well. This chapter displayed both character’s personalities pretty equally and is a good piece for beginning a relationship between two characters.

The overall tone of this piece was pretty positive, although a hint of darkness did leak in when Lucia and Ren were discussing why Ren wanted to transfer. The transition from happy to the bit of resentment Ren felt was pretty quick, but it was there so be sure to pay attention when changing moods Gloam. You guys wrote that part out well, not too dramatic but not anticlimactic either. I was a tad surprised Lucia backed down after Ren’s initial explanation and didn’t dig a little further, but that could have just been because Lucia and Ren have just started to get to know each other and it’s a bit too soon to have serious of that weight discussions in detail. The transition back to a light hearted mood was kind of awkward, but in this case that worked to your benefits. Awkward moments are supposed to be awkward.

Aaaanyway, enough blathering! 79/81


For my grader: http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?38736-Week-315-Pirates-and-Swordsmen-and-Stars-Oh-My
(I know this is from 315. Hasn't been graded yet. If that happened between the last time I checked and now, kick me)

http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?38767-Week-316-Breathe-an-Exercise-in-Bankai-Training

http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?38728-4th-8th-10th-Bounty-Week-Vladimir-the-Impaler

 

[Nargles]

Resh/Gloam take full kan. Ketch and Gloam take 50 div, Resh and Nella take 25

Pho

Tea [54/60]
Y'all need to proofread. There were a bunch of weird sentences that I had to re-read a few times to get the gist of it. There was a bit of a spree of run-ons which would have been an easy catch to make. That being said, I guess my main issue was that Udo seemed kind of... lifeless? For a person whose zan spirit is a talking sake bottle, he seemed to be devoid of any sort of distinctive personality in this collab. He never really pushed any interesting questions or even had inner monologue that moved past commenting on flattering Feng. Considering the entire purpose of the collab was Udo moving to the Ninth I would have liked it to actually showcase Udo more.

Resh

Vladimir [63/68]
Well, this was... anticlimactic? Then again, it was a hollow hunt so I tend to have a lower expectation going in because I’m still waiting for that wow hunt. That being said, I do have on large nitpick. There’s really no situation that I think that you need to put more than 1 exclamation point. It doesn’t really do much to suggest a more important situation so I’d avoid it. Outside of that, ravenous, bloodthirsty hollow is bloodthirsty.

Gloam

Vladimir [76/80]
Random thing but considering was dead, was it really necessary to cauterize Adele’s wound when there wasn’t anything stopping you from doing the far less painful mend?

Generally though you should work on your pacing more. This collab felt a bit too rushed for my liking and it seemed like there was no challenge which made it hard to focus on it throughout.

Welcome to the Fourth [??/??]
You get what I get!

Change [104/104]
Talk about an abusive relationship. That being said, while I really liked reading Ren’s interaction with her zan, at times it kind of felt a bit expositiony which kind of put a damper on it. The Bankai arc isn’t just a power gaining one shot thing, it’s an opportunity to get some really strong personal growth done. You get a lot of freedom on this arc so I’d suggest going a bit wacky and doing something truly unique, especially since you have this strong grounding the dynamic.

Nella

Break Away [78/80]
Foreshadowing to a swap perhaps? That being said, I guess what put me off slightly was that Yuurei seemed a bit out of character. I mean, I get that’s she’s snarky and aloof most of the time, but she seemed to randomly dip into valley girl every now and then. Solid opening chapter, and I do like you’re bringing up Yuurei’s feelings of being distanced in the tenth. It’ll be interesting to see how this arc plays out. Does get a bit confusing though when it bounces between Miyahara and Yuurei’s arcs haha.

Ketch

Chapters [198/209]
Anyway, good work on both you really conveyed Ran’s mindset as a child was nice. I did still kind of funny that Manzou successfully got tracked by a small child. That’s some great military training right there.

That being said I’m really digging this long-scale setup that you’re creating, it’s super refreshing to read. It seems like rushed one-off chapters and instead a slow build in a wider arc which is a really good read. Manzou and his merry men is a weird idea, but it’s pretty much what it’s turning into.

Keeping the Peace [114/119]
This was a weird collab to read on both parts. Considering the importance of the situation, I kind of feel like Manzou didn’t push as much as he probably should. There were plenty of buttons that I don’t think he took full advantage of throughout. Considering he was essentially was attempting to act like a police officer and figure out what the hell was going on, he seemed pretty content to just let Adelaide control the conversation. Seems a bit weird to me to do that when trying to investigate. Outside of that, careful on punctuation, there were some weird backslashes mixed mid sentence which was a keystroke gone wrong.

White Whale [113/113]
Also known as -not- yo mamma. Or my mamma... Maybe... colin’s mamma?

That being said, I feel like this was how Manzou should have acted in the previous collab. He seemed much more interested in the situation and was focusing on completing the task in front of him. It was because of this he kind of seemed to do his job better, something that actually fit a member of the peace corps.

Colin

Moonlight [50/53]
Tougen’s a fucking goddamn hippie. GTFO. What’s he gonna do? Put a flower on the Menos?

That aside, a much tamer chapter than last week which I’m personally fond of. You did a good job, though the writing style mainly, to push Tougen’s whole aloofness and loneliness. It was very subdued and playing that up was a good call. That being said, I think you tipped a bit into the melodramatic when you started fighting to a guitar solo.

That being said, outside of that slightly interesting middle bit, your opening and ending scenes were really potent so kudos on that.

My Link: http://www.mangaden.net/forum/showthread.php?38755-4th-4th-Week-316-Welcome-to-the-Fourth

 

[K3]

Group Two Grading​

Rob: + 50 Division Bonus

51/51 - First Things First [1025]

Kaede's always fun to read, I think. She's very distinct and makes full use of your narrative style, while letting you interact meaningfully with other characters. This chapter's obviously a follow-up to Olive Branch, and you did a good job making some throw backs to what happened in it.

There's not much I can comment on here, there was a lot worth commending. I enjoy you taking the opportunity to mix the actual progress of the chapter with Kaede's oddball humor, and your dialogue is always great. Division Bonus for impressing me.​

Thana:

49/52 - Paranoid [1048]

Not a bad piece, but not great either. From the grammatical/narrative side of things, you have some pacing issues getting to the real purpose of the chapter. Overall there's not much of a focus on any particular subject, which gives the chapter the feeling of just padding out word count.

On the IG side of things, you're literally breaking laws and that is monitored. If you released your shikai, it'd be immediately noticeable. Same with masking. Consider the fact that the base level of any given shinigami is anywhere between 100 and 1000 Reiatsu. Anything as much as double that is immediately noticeable, not to account for the boost given by either masking or shikai. Going forward, keep in mind that if you want to practice that sort of thing, there are places to do it without authorization.​

Fan:

97/102 - Prophecy Unstuck in Time [2034]

Prophecy, buddy. Propechy isn't a word.

So, this chapter leaves me kinda conflicted. I appreciate this sort of drifter vibe showing up in Vizards, but Shunsen feels far too forthcoming towards Arashi. Recalling what he's been through, where he is in his life right now, and how many people he has left to trust, I don't feel like Shunsen would be spilling so much, let alone be able to recall such things off the cuff.

Work on making your dialogue less stilted. Characters saying explicitly what they need to say makes them feel like set pieces, exposition dumps without any realism to them. Real people tend to flub some of their sentences, or have troubles recalling specifics of particular things. If your characters say the exact things they need to every time, it comes off as unrealistic.

One other thing I'd like you to work on is your pacing. When you transition from one scene to the next, try to ease through it properly. Give us a proper set-up for each scenario, and follow-through on where your character is going. Otherwise, smash cut with a line break to avoid the jerkiness of the transition. The way this chapter progresses has a lot of whiplash, going from a sort of introductory with Arashi to a combat sequence to a dialogue sequence to introspection before ending.​

Guest Grader: Moony:

56/61 - I'll Make You A Something Something Refuse [1219]

Pacing, Moony. Pacing is the name of the game today. When you open a chapter, try to hook us from the first line. You need to give us an opening sentence that gets us interested. You get our interest, then you need to get us invested. The pacing of the interrogation ramps up and down without any real consistency. Things pick up when Zakki brings out the heavy set of his Awakening but then immediately slow down without any real payoff.

Things don't seem to lead up to a particular conclusion with this chapter, and we're left with another cliffhanger from a largely transitive piece. It's cool that you're trying new things Moony, but you gotta get us interested.​

Raph's Links for Week 316:

In The Pale Moonlight​

 

[MoonlitRain014]

Val

Test Results [74/76]

As a whole I really enjoyed this chapter. Things are moving in a fascinating direction and I want to see where everything goes. In fact, I'd also like to be part of it if we can collab..but that's not a subject for grading. Anyhow, you wrote this nicely and only had a few mistakes that you should've caught (hence the minus two points). Anyhow you characterize Shuku well and you've set him some challenges that I can't wait to see. Good work on keeping this arc going as well, you've made it flow nicely.

 

[Apeiron]

Shady
Collab 58/60

T’was a good collab. Straight and to the point to getting Udo back into the 9th. Was a little surprised to see Feng being so casual with someone new - from his humor to him allowing Udo to drop the honorific title.

I almost wish this collab was a bit longer. It would have been nice to see more of the characters. The interaction between these two characters somehow seemed unique and interesting, though it might just be how similar they are in manner yet completely different in the ideals that we were able to read.

I have to say I was more than a little surprised that I wasn’t more fixated on description with this collab. Typically I’m hung up on the details of the world surrounding the characters and all it’s fantastical bits. Instead you and Pho did a damn good job of keeping my interest on what’s really important: the characters. As much as Feng’s office might be interesting with all it’s little nick-knacks, Feng himself and Udo’s interplay was far more worthwhile to read.

Well done.

I hardly noticed the awkward sentences that Hiren mentioned, though they were noticed.

Dys
315 chap 55/56
316 chap 55/57
316 collab 79/79

So I’m sort of impressed with how nice of a chapter this is. It’s short but gives a nice enough snapshot of Tabitha that it’s a good introduction for her. Your descriptions for the forms were also short, but that worked more in your favor when you tossed in Tabitha’s imagination.

Personally I’ve had problems with your introduction with this chap. It just sat wrong with me and didn’t really feel like it was setting me up for something worthwhile. Even though it might be a piece of a larger story, it’s important that you keep the reader’s attention beyond the first sentence.

Additionally you should work on smoothing over transitions. From the classroom to zanjutsu practice it felt like a break in the overall flow of the chap, something that just didn’t fit. As good as it is to know that Tabitha was well intentioned, and meant to show up early when she almost showed up late, you can easily accomplish the same by inserting a page break symbol to denote a change of time. If instead you had cut straight to her teacher yelling at her, that probably would have been better overall.

Oh! Speaking of her teacher. Details about her would have been appreciated at introduction of the character. I went through that chap thinking Shinou was a guy until the very end.

Quick reference!
Ichi, Ni, San, Shi (or Yo), Go, Roku, Nana, Hachi, Kyuu, Juu, Juuichi, Juuni, Juusan (alternatively juuzou I think), Juuyon, Juugo

I noticed you were including a couple of common phrases from Japanese into your writing. I’m not a fan of it, as cool as it is to include Japanese into your writing, it’s better to stick to one language as much as possible. Especially seeing as how we’re all writing as though all of the characters in HD speak Japanese, not English. My recommendation for Japanese phrases, such that aren’t names of people, places, or techniques, is to use it when emphasizing different languages and to italicize them.

An example I can give you off hand is haori. I typically use the word to emphasize the importance of the jacket Hare wears as it’s a symbol of authority, and when I’m not I’ll refer to it as a jacket or coat.

All in all this was a nice little chapter.

Your second chapter was another nice and short piece, as well as a good setup for future bankai chapters. Something I’m a big fan of as its the most significant personal arc every shini gets, and they’re usually filled with a lot of good lessons that the characters are supposed to learn as they come into their full power.

Throughout this piece I enjoyed the repetition of the breathing. It was a nice cadence to the chapter. A suggestion with things like that is to separate them further from everything else -- give them their own paragraph. By doing that you can better draw on the action of simply breathing to give more emphasis on what else is happening.

The main issue I took with this chapter was that throughout there seemed to be missing commas. A lot of your imagery read as if certain parts should have been rearranged so that they should come before other parts, or could have used additional wording to clarify the scenes.

The smudges of dust or dirt that would get on his face from running around were clear in her memory, she fought the urge to try and clean his face.

The above sentence could have, for example, benefitted from a slight rearranging or rewording.

Her memory was clear. She fought the urge to clean his face, smudged with dust and dirt from running around.

Play around a bit with different ways to write some scenes, and see if you can’t get a firmer image of the scenes you have in mind.

Last for this is a warning about “-ly” adverbs and the constant use of them. When sparsely used, adverbs in writing like this can lend a great amount of implications to writing piece. But when you start using them too often you end up creating adverbs you don’t need. One I found from this, in particular, was “frustratedly”. In the sentence it was used I found that “frustrated” itself would have worked just as well, if not better.

Still, I enjoyed it.

Lastly we get to your bounty collab, which I think is one of the better bounties I’ve read. Neither you nor Gloam played down the hollow just because it was around your power levels, and in point of fact the two of you took some pretty nasty hits.

There’s still much to be desired from this bounty, however. The pacing for one is indeed something that needs some work. Don’t treat them like a one-and-done thing where you just jump and in media res. There should be some amount of build up to the titanic finish as Adele and Ren overcome what had been a fairly difficult obstacle. Not all of this is something you can control, but it helps to talk to your co-writers in these things -- especially when it comes to the climax. Because from there it’s all downhill and resolution. Or at least it should be.

All in all, though, while it isn’t amazing or “wow” - as Hiren is looking for - there was at least signs of attempting to write something worthy of a bounty. And you guys did it without diminishing the hollow’s existance to a random event with random people with no significance whatsoever.

You get 230 kan. -20 for damages and the bad pacing, but take full grade points.