Group Two Grading
Rob:
118/122 - Ego Trip [4880]
This collab whip-lashed hardcore. I appreciate the attempt to keep things under control, but the intent of this collab swung twice throughout, and I feel like you didn't really resolve any of the three topics that were brought up. The issue of Tsubaki's instability gets completely thrown out the window, then Tsubaki's lack of assignments, and then the only resolution we're given towards Tsubaki's need for a purpose is a vague promise without any real substance to it.
Tsubaki levels a small building, bitches at Nana without any real aim, and Nana's response is to logically shut down the arguments Tsubaki presents, before making her Lieutenant anyways.
I'm used to Nana making strange decisions for reasons only she's sure of, but this goes beyond that. Nothing in the collab hinted or so much as followed the notion that Tsubaki was doing anything worth promoting. It's shoe-horned literally into the last round, after the entire collab fails to follow through on any of the topics brought up in it.
Nana's a cool character, and I really like her, but this is a communication failure through and through. The dialogue is stilted and far less dynamic than I'm used to seeing from you, and a couple rounds literally boiled down to Tsubaki and Nana going "Nuh uh, you're scared."
I know it's hard sometimes, but try to keep an open line of communication with your collab partners. This felt like both of you were waiting for the other to really start in on something, and then neither of you did.
Beaks:
100/108 - Life Levels All Men [2164]
Creepy chapter, but cool. You have good pacing, but I feel like you didn't pay attention last time I graded you. Put a space after your ellipses, and please stop using allcaps. At the very least, just use italics or bold for emphasis, allcaps just looks terrible and is grammatically incorrect as well.
The content itself is nice, but I can't shake a feeling of foreboding. Like this little segment will end and nothing about Tsubaki will have changed? I'd just like to have stuff like this - this gory imagery, the horrible acts Tsubaki forces herself to commit - will have an actual impact on her. It looks cool, and it reads well, but if it all blows over like so much bad gas then it's all for naught.
102/122 - Ego Trip [4880]
A lot of my comments for Rob stand here, but there's a couple other things.
Tsubaki's whip-lashing really hurt this collab, both in pacing and in overall structure. She randomly segues into different topics while alternating between this stone-cold robotic killer persona and her usual temperamental self. If you wanted to make Tsubaki more subdued while this internal conflict is ongoing, there are better ways to do it than to outright contradict her usual mannerisms.
Having a character act more subdued or withdrawn is perfectly acceptable, but even that doesn't matter when the issue blows over in the duration of the collab. I said this before, I'll keep saying it: you need to figure out the intent of a collab when you're writing it. You can't just write whatever comes to mind for a topic and then segue a million times until your word count fills out. There has to (or at least, should) be a purpose to the collab for the characters to strive towards.
Tsubaki's dialogue is very stilted and off-putting. You like to do these short, impacting statements but then contradict the usage of them with long, verbose rants. It makes what Tsubaki says very inconsistent, and often reflects poorly on her persona. Try to think about how she's actually going to speak, both in tone and vocabulary.
Thana:
48/50 - Alte Beziehungen [1010]
That went a little too smoothly. I find it hard to believe that Izumi would immedately have the book ready, know which number she's looking for, and for the conversation to go that smoothly. Try to bring a sense of realism to it, a mundane quality that makes it feel a little more real.
Also, your dialogue man. I gave the Sprech the one-over on it so I'm giving it to you too:
"If dialogue starts a statement," you use a comma before the narrative, and a period at the end to denote the sentence's end.
"If dialogue is broken up by narrative," and it's all one sentence, "then you only capitalize at the beginning, and use a comma for both dialogue and narrative."
If you start a sentence with narrative and move to dialogue, "Use a comma, but capitalize both the start of the narrative and dialogue."
If you start a sentence with narrative, move to dialogue, and then want more narrative, "Use a comma, and capitalize both."
Then start a new paragraph for the new narrative.
"Finally, if your dialogue spills over into more than one paragraph,
"Don't use closing quotations on the first one, only use them when a character stops speaking."
If you need a reference for this kinda stuff:
Click here.
Sprech: + 75 Division Bonus
93/94 - It Takes Two to Tango [3752]
Thad's pretty legit. He's got a nice mix of naivety and perseverance that brings his inexperience up without making it seem forced. One thing I would question: why is Yaname randomly on the other side of Seireitei at the Third Division? The Third and Twelfth are nowhere near each other.
The fight is well-paced, and you've got a good grip on the basics. Try to work on your 'show, don't tell' for action though. When Thad attacks, show us that he leans into the strike when attacking aggressively, or that he snaps his wrist outwards to try and get a quick swipe in. Little stuff like that.
110/110 - Mirror Mirror in the Past [2206]
I'm gonna start by giving you Division Bonus for listening to the critique. Your pacing in this chapter is dramatically improved, and you have some really nice sequences (especially the ending). I do feel like we need a little more exposition on this 'Triple Threat'. Having a good antagonist group is nice, but you can't just have them be assholes for the sake of being assholes. You have a nice little justification from the second group, but the Triple Threat obviously need something from Thaddeus.
Why do they need those things from him? Money? If so, what do they need the money for? What are they trying to overcome by taking valuables from Thad? Try to give us a few hints towards the end for this means. It helps us sympathize with them, makes the black-and-white of the situation with Thad more grey.
Cur: + 75 Division Bonus
76/76 - The Third King [1521]
So Cur I'm super sorry but your plot created an Avengers Paradox.
Let's get some stuff out of the way first: you're getting Division Bonus for this chapter. Your pacing has improved phenomenally, and this reads super well. Your dialogue is great, and really this chapter is awesome all around. That said, you've blown out the scale too much.
These Kings are literally capable of levelling cities. The Third King emerged from the moon, creating a spectacle that anyone would've seen by looking up. Now, this is cool, but why wouldn't anybody be investigating this matter that's clearly starting to have significant effects on the Human Realm? Like say, Arano, or Zakki, or Masato, or Mouko, or any Advent Humans.
Why wouldn't shinigami be getting involved with beings whose exact nature is unknown? I find it difficult to believe that just Zakeriah and Iblis would have any clue what's going on, or having any vested interest. Try to keep in mind we all share a universe, so something that affects one person is capable of rippling into affecting others. When you make the scope of your plot too huge, it becomes a bit hard to believe that only your characters would be involved.
Just something to keep in mind. Again, props to this chapter because it was very well-written.
Guest Grader: Moony:
93/94 - It Takes Two to Tango [3752]
So I really like where you're taking Yaname. She's still nonsensical and off-beat, but she's not full-blown psychopath anymore. Your fight writing has improved greatly, but I think you need to work a little more on bringing across your character's actions through their perception.
When Yaname attacks you need to give us the feeling of her attacking. How her legs tense as she springs forward to strike, where her eyes are looking when she's reacting to an attack. Give us little sprinkles of things that tell us that Yaname is involved with the fight.
Raph's Links for Week 314:
